DD4 and Ballet class - but needs/wants me with her

[DownyEmerald]

At end of Jan DD (was 4 2 wks ago) started a new ballet class in the next village.

Since the first week she has insisted that I sit/stand next to her and go through the motions with her. Some of the other mums did at first but have gradually dropped out, and I'm the only one left standing! I don't mind that so much, but I do wish that dd could do it by herself - some of the others are only 2!

She is shy of the teacher although says she likes her. She is a nice teacher, but quite young and I feel limited experience with littlies. This week is the last one of the term - and wondering if I should give up trying - but she so wanted to do this and is quite good.

Thinking on trying bribery (chocolate) at the moment, but not sure if that is a good idea.

Any ideas?

I wouldn't do bribery personally. I'm not a big fan of bribery in general as it sets a precedent.

I would be firm with her - she goes and does her class without you or she doesn't go. She's 4, not a baby. My dds all go to ballet and started at 3 but the teacher is v strict about mothers in the class - they're not allowed! (unless it's the first time).

Same as above just tell her that she either goes alone or not at all. I was say it to her this week or you may ending up paying for another term!

I gave my dd a simple choice. Go alone or I take back the ballet slippers. Funnily enough she went on her own.

I am a hopeless soft touch so I wouldn't say that even to my older dc, but I would say I wasn't allowed to join in any more because the teacher had said it was really for children to enjoy, but I was allowed to stay in the room and watch.

Is he at school, or nursery. Does she make a fuss when you leave her ? Or did she ?

If so, she knows the score. If you don't want to have a full-on confrontation, how about telling her that you have to leave to get some shopping but will be back later ? Or that the teacher has told you you must wait outside.

she not he

Hi hully !

Yo Jamie!

Sometimes it takes kids ages to find independence/confidence, stick with it as long as necessary. If she still wants you there at 17, you know it's a worry..

Downy - Is she your first DC ? I spent a LOT of time worrying that DS1 was not like other children .........

Oh yes, she's the first - is it so obvious!

She is at playgroup, where I leave her no problem, we did a few intro sessions where I stayed half the time and then left. But the staff there are superb! But the ballet thing is a pain, cos all the other mums are there - sitting around the edge, intervening when necessary, nobody actually leaves.

I think the Hullygully thing might be worth a try with a bit of saying I'll have to give the ballet costume to a little girl who needs it and see how it goes. I'm happy to call it day but I do think she would enjoy it, once we got over the being attached to me hurdle.

I had thought of inviting the ballet teacher round for tea but to be honest I'm not sure that would work - she either has a connection with dd or not, there has been enough weeks.

I have to say that even I, soft touch though I am, have never gone so far as to invite the teacher for tea. I doff my hat and you get the softie prize!

I'm afraid I'd be hardcore about it - either she does it without you or you stop going.

However, I do realise this might be harder if it's the sort of class where the mums sit round the edge, i.e. because she can still see you. My DD started ballet at 2.11 but straight away it was a case of the class going into a separate room with the teacher and mums were only called if one of them needed the loo.

Downy - I used to work in a playgroup, and the leader went round to one little boy's house for a visit when he persisted in not being able to settle after months. It did help. Thing is - if you are there in the room, of course she'll be more attached to you. At the playgroup my boys attended, parents had to come in to do a turn helping out every month. DS2 (who was v settled at playgroup) would be a nightmare on these occasions - clingy, tantrummy, etc.

Ds1 never used to bat an eye and carried on regardless.

About the PFB thing - it's just that phrase "some of the others are only 2 !" that I recognised

What does she actually do when you attempt to not join in ?

Also, I'm not actually averse to a bit of bribery. Never would have coped with baby and toddler if I had not used it. Or as I like to call it - inducement/reward.

When my DTs started a new swimming class, DT2 didn't want me to leave her. I had to stay in the pool with her (despite the class supposedly being for children who are confident in the pool without a parent) I did that for a couple of weeks, then moved beyond the barrier they put across the pool. Eventually, we agreed that I would be in the pool at the same time, but I would swim lengths rather than stay with her - she could still see me if she wanted to, but I wouldn't be right next to her. Now she's fine - sometimes I still swim when they're having lessons, sometimes I sit in the sauna and sometimes I just stay in the cafe. It irriated (and, TBH, embarrased) me slightly at the beginning, especially as DT1 was perfectly happy without me, but I decided that I would let her deal with it at her own pace. It took about half a term. She's 3.5. I think you need to pull yourself away gradually - maybe say that you'd love to watch her dance, rather than joining in, and then if she's comfortable with that, tell her you need to do something you know she wouldn't enjoy doing with you (go to the bank? buy something dull from a nearby shop) and that you'll do that when she's at her lesson. I'm sure once she's confident, she'll be fine without you.

Oops. Embarrassed. Always have probs spelling that one.

DS got on better with ballet when I was not in teh room. if I'm there he keeps popping over to cuddle/chat/talk, if I'm not there he does what teacher is asking and plays up no more or less than any of the other 3-5 yr olds in the class.

Your DD is 4, I think it might be ultimatum time, you do this with your peers or don't do it next term.
Does she do anything other than ballet with one or more of the other kids?

Oh, lots of lovely replies. Yes, I know I'm a softie. I don't do bribery (or threats) very often, so need to be sure I'm doing the right thing (or a rightish thing!).

She knows one of the other girls well, but they aren't really friendly IYSWIM, and one of the others is at playgroup with her, and her mum has just invited us for a playdate which is nice. Another girl is at the childminders with her. But I'm just so much more attractive!

What Jamieandhismagictorch said about playgroup is exactly right - she's fine and happy unless I'm on duty when she sticks to me and has been known to tantrum if I pay another child attention. I do find it frustrating and embarrasing tho' everyone is very sweet about it. If I try to detach she physically clings and then if I forcefully detach I look mean and cruel, so I try and negotiate and say, just dance around me.

I might give the tea thing a try! Don't think I've much in common with teacher except the years of dance (in a very casual way) I did.

I'll update you with what I tried and how it worked.

And think I might have learnt how to spell embarrassing!

We were not allowed in the room for ballet, but dd did suddenly announce that she wanted to give it up at age 4, because best friend was leaving. I saw a future of constantly jumping between activities in the wake of best friend, and though I didn't say anything directly, I did sneakily read dd Ballet Shoes as a bedtime story to get her hooked. Worked far too well: dd is now 13 and is talking of doing drama at college and then trying for RADA. Should have kept my mouth well shut

I otoh opted out of ballet lessons at age 4, because I couldn't stop clinging to my mother's skirts. But I can't say I've ever missed them, so probably no great damage done.

Downy - I really think the problem here is the lesson. I'm sure if all the mums left, you would leave too, and after a bit of fuss she'd get on with it. But the way it is, as she sees it, you are there but not there for her. Some DCs can't cope with this sort of ambivalence.

yes, Jamieandhismagictorch, I think this is what I was driving at too (but in a less succinct way!)

Sometimes I think it's easier when the boundary is clearer.

cory - that's brilliant!

I am a dance teacher and there is NO WAY I would have parents in the class (except for watching day) It is disruptive and the children do not concentrate (as much as they need to concentrate at ebing princes and princcesses!!)
I use lots of techniques (could call it bribary) to engage the children such as dancing with pretty ribbons and using crowns and stickers to help with damce moves...the children don't even think of their parents the whole time and all run to hug me at the begining of every lesson.

Sorry but I don't think i would even contemplate going to a childs house for tea....not sure how that would help if you have a shy teacher.

Maybe choose a new dance class?

Thanks bluemonkey but I can't do much about the layout of the village hall

I did choose this dance class specifically because it is small and local and the teacher wants it to be without exams as they get older, which is what I want. I didn't do exams in ballet (did in tap tho' and found it stressful and whatever the opposite of confidence-boosting is, I wasn't born to tap).

The teacher does ribbons, feathers, flowers, I think it's all great and she enjoys it, and is looking forward to it today (been watching the signs carefully!).

I've tried Hullys "the teacher rang and asked me if I could let you enjoy dancing by yourself" I've also done "grandma asked me if I could take photos of you as her birthday treat" and we've negotiated that I will do the warm up bits with her and then sit down to do photos etc.

See how it goes later!

I don't know if it was what I said, or whether she'd decided herself a little bit that she ought to do it, but we agreed a few times through the day what we were going to do, and that is what happened!

I sat by her for the first warm up bits, and then when it was the skipping round bits, I sat down! She actually went to another girl and gave her her hand to pair up which was a first as well.

I do think as well though that we arrived on time, even slightly early and had a tiny chat with ballet teacher and another mum about my building site of a house, and then cos we on time I wasn't stressed about getting her undressed and in, and with hindsight I think that was actually quite important. Then I said "do you want to go and sit near teacher" and she was pleased, tho still shy of her. I was feeling massively positive and happy, and I think that all helped as well.

I've never been so happy to sit down on a hard chair in my life!

Thanks all for taking the time, even the hardcore ones!

So lots of being pleased with herself - "I'm going to do that next time" - we'll see!

Bit incoherent sorry, lights keep dipping, sitting here with my torch!

Brilliant !

What you say about feeling happy and confident is so true. They smell Fear (or ambivalence/uncertainty)