Arguing in front of children

[TheHouseofMirth]

What's the received wisdom on this? DH & I are quite argumentative generally and I've always thought it's important for children to know that arguing can be OK but recently DS1, who is nearly 5, has come in when we've been having a disagreement and shouted (we were not btw) "stop arguing". We always in unison tell him that it's OK and we're just having a discussion but I'm just wondering if we're doing it all wrong?

What bothers me a bit more is that occasionally DH can be a bit unpleasant. Like today I went upstairs to ask him something (he is currently working from home) and because he had a headache he told me to F off, and that he wouldn't f-ing miss me, or the DSs interrupting his work when he starts his new office-based job next month. I was holding DS2 (12 months) at the time. About 5 minutes later DH came downstairs and apologised but when I said to him that I thought we shouldn't have conversations like that in front of the children (I was brought up to believe that kind of swearing in front of children is really not nice) he said that we can't be a perfect family... for the sake of balance I should add that although he can be occasionally grumpy that, especially given the awful father role model he had, he is generally quiet, very nice and a lot more patient than me.

I tend to think that a few heated discussions are just a normal part of family life, and do no harm to the children. Especially if you are able to resolve the argument and move on - that is setting a good example to them and teaching them how to deal with problems in a positive way. If I feel my DH is being unpleasant I stick up for myself big time, and I hope my DDs pick up on this, so they will learn to stick up for themselves in a similar situation.
However, I don't like the idea of DH saying fuck off to anyone in front of children, that's totally unacceptable.

I don't think arguing per se is bad - If 'Nurtureshock' is to be believed - the more imporatnt thing is what your children see after the argument - how you make it up and resolve the conflict is the more important issue. Taking it upstairs or letting it fester until little ears are not about has been proven to actually make the situation worse ..

Resolution has to be sincere and not manipulated for the benefit of the children and actually makes children able to better resolve their own conflicts in their lives than if the parents avoid or delay the argument.

Agree with Itsjustafleshwound, as long as they see you resolve it it's fine.

I don't know about fine.. yes, seeing resolution is the most important but my parents argued and I was one of those kids who constantly worried about them splitting up, what would happen us all etc.

Could you not just agree to leave it for later?

My parents argued (or bickered) a lot when I was a child and I remember crying myself to sleep often, convinced they would split.

They would save the worst arguments for "later" when we were asleep, although of course often we weren't.

Of course we (children) never saw the resolution, because as far as they knew we hadn't heard the argument.

Not sure what the answer is, because it's not realistic not to argue, but I don't think hiding it from the children is realistic either.

My parents are still together after 40 odd years BTW and still bickering. When I saw them last week it was which of them is most infirm after Mum had a fall!

But Mamsnet did you never see them being happy together or showing affection for each other? Surely that balances out the arguments, which are, for most people part and parcel of a normal relationship?

My parents argued a lot and I was similarly insecure as you but the difference is that my parents were genuinely unhappy together. I can still remember my feelings of shock and confusion when, aged about 10 or 11 I walked into a friend's kitchen to find her parents having a cuddle.

I didn't actually see them being affectionate, no. In fact, like you, I remember being mortified when my auntie and uncle kissed..
My parents were happy in other ways, I suppose, and their characters have softened over the years and now I think they're very contented together.
Again, I suppose it depends on what you class as arguments. YOu just can't underestimate the vibes kids pick up on or the stories they fabricate from the whiff of a problem!

But I guess if they never hear the full course of an argument and see it resolved to everyone's satisfaction then that's not really healthy, is it?

I agree - it's never acceptable to tell your partner to f off, with kids present or not.

otherwise, yes, arguing is a normal part of life isn't it? I wouldn't want my DD to grow up thinking she had to be forever compliant to others' wishes...

like lisbey i remember crying myself to sleep after hearing my parents row (they did it quite a lot) and actually think it did add a lot of stress to my childhood. i was always terrified that they'd split up (they did - but not till i was 18, think that's what they were waiting for). i think it depends whether your children know that you love each other and will stay together despite the occasional row. in my parents case they rarely seemed happy together. on the other hand dh's parents never argued but are like a couple of cold fishes who barely communicate or have any fun together - and i think that is just as bad.

Interesting Garibaldi.. just goes to show "You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't", eh?

I agree you should talk to your DH and get some agreement about the language that is used in front of your DS. I completely understand cos me and DH can argue and use bad language so we haven't solved the problem yet, but we're working on it. I also agree with people who point out that seeing the resolution is important. Arguments are bound to happen. Although useful to see if they can be minimised like sometimes me and DH just wind each other up when we could just have stepped away! But when they do happen, keeping it clean and then letting DS see the resolution seems to be the way to go.

DH and I also argue quite a bit, especially at the moment, and I am terrified that it will affect DD, although most times we have she has seen the resolution to it, but would still prefer not to at all. I keep thinking it would be better to split up than put her through this.

Sorry TheHouseofMirth, I hope you don't think I am hijacking your thread - just wanted to say that I am going through similar.

And by the way - the language thing is really not on, I automatically spell bad words out these days if I really feel the urge to use on in earshot of DD - and now even do it to adults!