Really worried about my friend (new mum) but is there anything I can do?

[lisbey]

The baby is now 4 month old, but apparently cries all day and all night (she's never made a sound when I've been there, but mine used to do that too). My friend has always been someone who feels stressed easily and she had her first baby at 40 having previously been a fairly selfish person in terms of how she spent her time (as most single people are)

-Friend is getting no help at night because "her DH has to work next day"
-She won't go out because she can't put the baby down long enough to get ready
-They're constantly at the doctors because there must be a reason for the crying. She's researched the Internet and has a long list of ailments the baby has, but doctors don't agree. She's upset that docs keep asking her if it's her first, as if she's fussing over nothing, but you can see their point, especially as baby is thriving and gaining weight well.
-She's determined that baby will have breast milk, but can't/won't breast feed, so is expressing for every feed.

She's convinced the problem is with baby, I think it's with her and it's her who needs some help, either medical or practical, but how can I get her to see this/or get her to accept help? I have offered to take baby so she can get ready and we can all go out etc, but she says it;'s too much trouble.

Oh dear that sounds really tricky,you know your friends so I assume you have good reasons for thinking this is her rather than the baby .Do you think she has PND? Could you have a word with her DH or would that cause a rift between you ? The expressing for every feed sounds a bit bonkers unless her baby was very prem,has she not had any help with bf? How was she with her first baby?

Do you think she has PND? Babies can often detect moods from their mothers so maybe it's picking up the fact that she's unhappy. Could you have a chat with her about this and encourage her to see her GP about her rather then the baby?

Steer her towards a breastfeeding clinic and maybe see if you can calm the baby down for an hour so she can have a shower and get dressed and feel a bit more with it? If baby still wont settle, it may be poorly?

My son was like this, and I was like this a bit too.

My dh never gets up in night and my son used to cry all day for first 4 months. Then he was diagnosed with reflux and teh medication helped loads. I had to fight to get referred to paed though. It is so frustrating when the doctors tell you "all babies cry" I had a list of ailments too, as you just want there to be a reason.

I barely went out as I couldn't put him down, and he would just cry through all the baby groups anyway, so I couldn't talk to anyone.

Offer to look after him so she can get a shower etc?

Yes, I'm sure she has PND, at least to some extent, but how to make her see she needs help?

As far as she's concerned all her problems would be solved if only the doctors would find what's wrong with baby.

Obviously I'm no expert, but baby seems fairly settled when I see her and doctors and HV think she's doing well.

Reflux is one of the things on her list, but doc doesn't agree (they've seen 2 different paeds).

Personally, I think she needs to accept that she needs help, then make her DH and doctor give it to her.

I've offered to take the baby out, so she can have a shower etc, but she says it's not worth the effort

She does want me to go out and get drunk with her though, but it has to be a day when her DH is on nights and her mum can have the baby, as her DH doesn't want her to go out when he's home. It's proving difficult to find a date, as her mum is a busy lady...I also remember just how bad a hangover is with a small baby in the house!

I had this problem with one of my now 6 month old twins, she cried alot, screamed at every feed, guarenteed though when I had people over and we were discussing her "problem" she would be a little angel Took a lot of persuading to get my complaints taken seriously, got told by my doctor "but she is gaining weight" . Five doctors later though she is on meds for reflux and being treated for lactose intolerance and she is like a new baby, happy and contented. However, even through the worst of the screaming/crying I still wanted to get out and about, in fact it was the only thing that kept me sane (and that was with two) sounds like maybe she suffering from PND, would deffo try and persuade her to see doctor for herself

Sorry but it sounds like the nightmare I went through and it took 5 months and 5 doctors before reflux was finally diagnosed.

Ask your friend

Constant crying especially during feeds and when lying flat?

Arching and pulling from the breast even though he wants,needs fed?

Sometimes a coughing or gargling sound in the throat like the feed comes up but not totally....OR is he a bit sick at times?

Choking and loosing breath when feeding?

Poor or rapid weight gain?

Light sleeper, least thing wakes him in the day?

Any of the above or all indicates reflux. They are hard babies and even harder to get a diagnosis.

I now have a DD and she has it too but unlike my DS, is thriving and on the 75th centile. Her reflux is worse than my DS's in terms of pain, screaming and feeding problems even though my DS was underwieight with it. Weight is not a foregone conclusion either way but seems to throw the doctors off.

They bothe had Omeprazole and Domperidone which the Paed describes as the Gold Standard for reflux medication.

Please ask her is the above applys at all and to go straight to the hospital and demand they listen and see him feed.

I think you insist on going round there whether she thinks it's worth it or not, take a cooked meal, some nice shower gel and some chocolates, take the baby and shoo her up to the shower, and wash her kitchen floor while she's up there? And if you have time make her a cuppa?

If someone had done that for me when I was where she was, I would have loved them forever! (And you can mention the doctor's while you're there)

my baby was like that, he had a dairy and egg intolerance. once i cut it out he was fine

if i were her i would be taking a look at her diet, goin back to the GP's and telling them that a baby that is distressed all day is NOT normal and insist on a referral to a paed/

i would also be seeing a BFC to try and get baby back on boob to cut out all the faff of expressing which is a bloody nightmare on top of a miserable baby

i don't think the problem is necessarily with her, i think it's a whole combination of things