Is anybody else not as consistent about using their mother tongue with the dc's as they could/should be, and feeling guilty about it?

[emkana]

Trouble is that a/ dh's German is virtually non-existent so family language is English anyway, and often at the weekend I just seem to stay in English even if it's just me talking to the dc's, and b/I have been in the UK for so long now and feel so comfortable in the language and obviously use it all day every day and watch TV in it etc that it just comes naturally.

The children's German skills are varied - dd1 is very good, dd2 so-so (but her German really really picks up when we go over to see my Mum, which we do virtually every school holiday), ds is speech-delayed so it's difficult to say.

They do watch German TV and seem to understand virtually everything and I read to them in German (ds daily, dd's alternate days - the other day they read with dh).

Hi there,

Like Acaya, I'm new to Mumsnet - joined today (yay : ) ! I should be working, but this issue is really bugging me), and really would love some pearls of wisdom about this.

I am French and my hubby is English. He can speak French, but we both tend to always speak English at home by default as I have always spoken both growing up anyway. I've been really inconsistent with talking to my little girl in French, and have just recently decided to buckle down and make more of an effort with it. She is now 15 months old, and has a brilliant English vocab. I worry that I am not re-enforcing her learning words, if she says "book" and I then say "livre", and then daddy says "book"... Am I confusing her?

Also, she is really a major daddy's girl, and I sometimes feel quite sad at her preference for him over me (I do want her to adore him, obviously), and this morning my hubby was saying that he thinks I am not helping my bond with her by now talking in French, which he thinks will just confuse her. He thinks I've left it too late now, but surely she is still quite young?

She does not watch TV at all yet, however we have games and books in French, so I agree with SexKitten about making it fun and in context. I need a good argument as feel a bit that my hubby is not really supportive of the idea - he believes that he and his siblings were never spoken to in French as children, but all speak the language now, so why confuse our daughter and endanger my bond with her.

Sorry, this was a bit long, but just needed to get it off my chest, and hopefully get some advice?

Thanks a lot!

I think your dh is over-interpreting here. Of course you can speak to her in French without damaging the bond. And you're not confusing her by answering in French when she speaks to you in English: this is how most bilingual parents do it, at least in the Western world.

Mamaandmore

My experience is that your husband is wrong. I feel I have a stronger bond with my daughter than I would have had if I had addressed her in English, BECAUSE French-speaking is part of "our" identity (whereas English is for her and her mummy (and everyone else)) and because I sometimes probably make more of an effort to talk to her than I might have if I could "leave it to mum."

As for confusing her - yes, you probably will, a tiny bit, at first. She'll get over it in no time. Don't worry about it. When you think of all the other truly baffling things she is in the process of learning (gravity, pain, emotions, turn-taking, imagination) the fact that there are two words for book is WAY down the list ...

She's 15 months, she will adjust, mamaandmore. Development is never even in both langauges and if you are consistent from now on you won't be confusing her - she'll grow to associate French with you and it be part of her identity. Don't worry about not reinforcing her words in English - your DH will do that and the community. Cementing the French early on is going to be important if you live in the UK, otherwise it'll be easy to drop...

I rarely speak French with my French DH either. It takes a concious effort (and I feel shy!) although I can talk to other French speakers and understand just fine. English just comes more naturally.

I'm so glad I've found this thread and hope I can revive it!

I'm German by birth but spent most of my life in English-speaking countries and feel entirely English now. Growing up, my parents were very strict about us speaking German at home. It was frankly a chore and a bore - they'd correct us lots (still do) and in a way my English identity became a way of asserting my independence from my parents.

Now I have a nearly 1 year-old DD (live in UK, DH is English). I try to speak German to her when we're at home but keep lapsing into English because it's more natural. I'm just more me in English. I do try to go to German playgroups and see my parents for visits a lot, but I fear it may not be enough.

I'll try not to ramble on. I just wanted to say that I totally get the guilt thing and that my experience is that there are personal, emotional issues to bilingualism that can get overlooked. It's not just a brilliant opportunity but relates to your own and your children's very identity. I'm coming to the conclusion that I will keep trying to give DD as much exposure to German as possible, but not to the cost of a genuine relationship with her.

Can anyone relate to all this?

I guess 'what feels natural' is what you're used to. I have always spoken German to DD and DS and English to DH (we too live in UK), so it feels weird speaking English to them (as it does trying to speak/teach German with DH).

I've lived in the UK for almost 20 years and speak English quite well, but I still feel that my mother tongue is German and find it easier to express myself in German. I can and do speak English to the kids (e.g. when we're together with English speakers) but find it more 'natural' to speak to them in German. Perhaps it has become a habit?