Is it possible to have too much 'me-time'?

[Ceebee74]

I sometimes feel a bit guilty about the amount of time I spend away from DC.

On an average week, I work for 4 full days (which I know cannot be avoided) but also go to the gym 4 or 5 times for 90 minutes at a time (usually Sat and Sun morning, often Mon morning and also Thursday and Friday evenings - the timings mean I can do bathtime but miss bedtime on Thursdays and vice versa on Fridays). Dh also takes the DC's to MIL for 4-5 hours one afternoon over the weekend.

I do sometimes wonder if I should cut back on the gym time but it is my 'hobby' iyswim and I really enjoy it and need it for my sanity. I use the time at weekends when DC's are at MIL's to MN do stuff round the house, have a catch up on my sleep etc

I realise how lucky I am to be able to do all this and am very thankful for how supportive my DH is in allowing me to do this but will this be impacting on my DC?

I have no idea, but I am very jealous of you!

tot up how many hours you are actually spending with your children and not doing anything else at the same time, and judge for yourself if it's adequate.

I think it's too much

instead of adding up what you do, add up how many AWAKE hours your children have good attention from you for (terrible sentence construction but you get the gist)

Sobering thought (I'm full of these today) You won't get this time back

Cyb I keep thinking that about not getting the time back and that is why I am wondering.

But, on the flipside, whilst the DC may not be getting 1-2-1 attention from me when I am at the gym, they are getting it from my DH so they are getting parental time - but it is important that they get plenty of time with us together?

On the other weekend day when DH doesn't go to MIL's, we always make sure we spend the afternoon together and go to the park, to the seaside etc. I try not to go to MIL's with them because DS1 doesn't interact with MIL very well when I am there which I don't think is very fair on her.

I think it's fine except the losing them for 4-5 hours over the weekend which for me would be too much on top of working 4 days a week.

How old are your DC? When they're older they'll want to go and do things at the weekend that don't involve you so I wouldn't want to regret missing out on the early days.

Ceebee74 I think it sounds absolutely fine. I have a dh who facilitates a fair amount of "me" time for me too. He takes the dcs for a few hours at the weekened whilst i get my hair down/mooch about etc. I go to the gym 2 evenings a week and yoga once.

I'm on mat leave at the mo but usually work 4 days too. I spend 1 day with dcs on my own totally devoted to what they want to do. At the moment I spend all week with ds (6 months) and mon and tue with ds and dd (3.5) just me. DH is quite happy to facilitate time out for me.

The fact of the matter is he is able to spend a lot longer with the dcs than me without getting bored/irritated. I love them to bits but he knows if i don't have regular time out I'll lose it, seriously.

When i'm with them we do stuff together as a family or their activities. I'm pretty focussed when I'm with them. If they're happy then carry on.

Another here.

But if mil is seeing them every weekend for 4-5 hours then I don't think you should not be going if that's what you want to do. Ds would get used to you being there eventually and settle down.

Unless he's dropping hints saying that he would rather be spending that time with you?

Minx you sound very similar to me - I couldn't go to the gym for a couple of weeks after having a minor op in October and I hated it - I just needed a break.

Riven they are 3.8 and 16 months - still too young to think anything of it and certainly the older one accepts it because me and DH have been going to the gym since he was born so it is all he knows iyswim.

why doesn't dh take just one child with him each week to MIL's so you get some 1-1 time with the other if you are worrying about it. Why does MIL need to see them each week? Why not have some family time at home?

I think only you can know what feels right for you and your DCs and the fact that you're asking this questions might mean you're wanting to spend more time with them? I too am jealous!

I'm a single mum of twins aged almost 9, with no family/ inlaws/ ex and when I'm not working (which I only do whilst the children are at school ), I'm with my twins. I haven't been out (for pleasure) since they were born and the only times they've been away overnight - x3 ever in their lives to friends - it was so I could catch up on work and because of certain issues with those friends, it may not happen again.

However, despite my own envy and realisation that I probably need SOME me time, as I get none at all, I think that quality of presence with your children is paramount. If you spent more time with them but were in a resentful space, feeling irritable and tetchy, then they'd be better off with others who care about them too, whilst you recuperate.

Another big factor is that they're with their father or grandparents. I think children thrive from lots of loving relationships in their lives - another thing I envy that others have and my children don't - they've just got me. So your children may be benefiting hugely from contact with other family members.

The only hesitation I have - which is purely subjective and personal - is that your youngest is probably still at the stage when loads of close physical contact with you would help. I b/fed till my twins were 28 months and we co-slept till they were 5 - all part of the attachment pareting/ Continuum Concept philosophy. I'm not sure I'd do it exactly the same if i had my time again, as I can now see I went too far in the direction of suppressing all my own needs in favour of theirs.

However, I can see how they've benefited from that close physical contact with me and wonder if your youngets especially might be needing more from you?

But again, I can't and don't judge you because you have to decide what works best for you. If I had family or even close friends who really loved my sons and enjoyed being with them, I'd be much more likely to take some time out for me whilst they were with them.

Listen to your own feleings about this and ask yourself why you've questioned this and then do what feels right for you, would be my advice.

Meanwhile, I'm still working on getting any time at all for me and we're heading into a decade of none!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess it's all about getting the balance right between your own needs and those of your DCs and I haven't got that balance right for me yet.

Nothing wrong with it at all, it's not as if they're being abandoned or anything. How come you feel it's too much now? Do you want to cut back? If so, cut a gym visit out. Am at your discipline

I think family-time is incredibly important. It sounds like you and your DH work shifts when it comes to the children and I think its important for children to spend time with both mum and dad at the same time.

Agree with FairyMum.

YANBU

I cherish and value my me-time too, and know I am a better mum for it.

And sometimes 'family time' can be counterproductive if there is some sort of 'pressure' to do it, like 'Quality Time' that is scheduled into a diary. I don't want my time with DS to be enforced artificially, I want it to be spontanious.

It sounds like there is not a single day in the week in which you're with them the whole day - presumably if you can go to the gym on Mondays then that is your one day in the week off?

I think you should maybe see if you can spend your one day when you don't work completely with your children.

I think it's fine, however, in theory, you could be a bit creative with your "me time" without having to lose it. For example, I work out at 6.30am in the gym, shower there and head for work several times a week so it doesn't impact on my time in the evenings with DH-plus, I also have more energy at that time, as opposed to 6.30pm after a full day at work!

Depending on what time you have to leave for work, perhaps this might work for you, if H is around? Then you would be around in the evenings and still be able to go to the gym at the weekends when the DC are out at the inlaws. I would factor in the gym earlier at weekends, so you still have plenty of time and the day isn't "disjointed".

Many moons ago, when my twins were young, I used to put them in a creche and go to an exercise class or mooch around town. That couple of hours respite did me the power of good-and them too,I imagine.

...imho if you are asking the question then you clearly have your own doubts, dig deep and be honest and you will know the answer...last thing you would want is future regrets to mull over...is it more important for you to prevent bingo wings (which will likely appear one day anyway)...?

Would your DH agonise over it like this? They are getting time with their dad as well as you. Which is more than children with dads who work long hours and commute.

i wouldn't cut out the gym stuff anyway, because its a really good habit that u have and probably a good example for ur dcs future health?
the going to mils thing if its everyy week may be a bit much, but sometimes that cant even be cut out without offending and upsetting ILs, so if it cant be cut out at all then you could go with them if you want to spend more time together? or if you can make it to once per 2 weeks not every single week, and then on the other weeks u can spend more time with ur kids i think that solution is okay.
but as you said, they are with their dad its not as if you just dumped them with anyone and went off for your me time

I think it is important for dcs to feel that their parents enjoy time with them and also with each other.
'Me time' is also important for you and indeed so that dcs see that you have a life away from them.
However, you don't want to look back at the preschool time and regret not having spent time with them.
It does sound like a lot of time at the gym on your own imo. If keeping fit is important to you is there anything you could do as a family e.g cycling and maybe lose one of the gym sessions?