SAHM - I'm struggling. How can I get more time to myself?

[SantaLucia]

I had a very well paid job from graduation right until maternity. I was well respected and found it easy to get work.

However, I always hated my job and was the kind of person who is always planning to do something else, filling in career questionnaires etc. I changed jobs every two years and I changed career twice in 7 years. I always dreamed of being able to give it all up and, when I got pregnant, it seemed the perfect opportunity. My husband and I moved to a smaller flat and gave up on the luxuries of a two income family. I resigned at the end of my maternity leave and I am delighted to have done so. I really wouldn't want to go back to any of the jobs I have done.

The BIG problem is that I'm not a "natural" mother. I have never been interested in children and I'm still not. Babies bore me senseless and I approached the whole thing as something I had to get through in order to have a nice young child and a different lifestyle (and new job).

My daughter is now 2.5, she starts nursery from 3 years as we get funding from the council for this. This will mean that she is away for 3 hours Mon-Fri (term time only)

I'll be honest. I am so fed up of not having a life. I hate all the milestones of having a kid - potty training, weaning, learning to walk etc. I feel really guilty about this. Surely I should be enjoying this while it lasts?

I have no childcare help at all. My mum and sister live too far away and I can't afford a nanny/nursery.

Please give me a verbal/written slap around the jaws in whatever way you see fit. What should I do? I don't want to become a bored and frustrated housewife.

is there anything you would like to do? career wise? could you retrain?

I think I know a bit about how you feel. I too had a responsible professional job, and have now been a SAHM for almost 5 years to my two DC, 4 and 1.

I love them to bits, but alternate between wishing this time away because it can be so dull and relentless, and then thinking I should cherish every moment because when they are bigger I will look back on this time so fondly.

I haven't resolved things at all. I am thinking about training to be a breastfeeing counsellor just to do something, but don't really know how I will manage to get it done because my 1 year old is always with me.

It is so hard when you don't have family nearby too, that really makes a difference.

I worry that I will look back on this time and think I should have enjoyed it more, but don't really know what to do either.

I'm not being much help am I but I don't think you should beat yourself up, it is really hard being a SAHM and you have done a great thing in giving up your work to look after her so far. Maybe you could think of some training or a course you could do like I am thinking of doing with the breastfeeding, just to make you feel like you have a life outside of being a mother.

I felt the same as you before I had children/went on mat leave.. I don't think I could be a full time SAHM, and I personally benefit from 2 days at work. Is there any way you can work part time?

I really feel for you. Before I had my DTs, I was running a department in a challenging school, was busy, well-respected and, whilst elements of my job were hard and some weren't fun, I generally enjoyed myself. I had good friends at work, and we often went for coffee after school and so on.

Then I gave it all up to be a SAHM. It was entirely my decision, and DH and I made the necessary sacrifices in order to be able to do so. And I grew to hate it. I am a naturally outgoing and sociable person, and found being at home with two babies incredibly difficult. My only way through it was to spend a lot of time going out - for walks, to other people's houses, and so on, and even then I got fed up with the baby-talk and so on. Don't get me wrong - I love my girls to bits, and I wouldn't change my decision if I was able to go back and re-make it, but I think the thing about being a SAHM that lots of poeple experience, but no one really wants to admit, is that it changes your own perception of yourself, and that of other people - you stop being the professional, organised, well-respected person you once were, and become someone who is rushing to get a baby/akward toddler out of the house and don't realise that you have sick/banana down your back and that there is lego stuck in your hair. I know it's a cliche, but I really felt it, and I found it hard to deal with.

Once the girls got to 2 years old, we were out almost every day - music group, swimming, twins group, going to local parks and soft play, and a lot of that was just as much for me as for them - if I was able to meet up with another Mum (or two) I felt sane, and poor DH didn't end up coming home from work to verbal diarrhoea from a wife who'd not spoken to another adult all day.

When they were two and a half, I started them at a local playgroup - only £5 for 3 hours, and I could leave them there and get a couple of hours to myself - bliss. Could you do that, OP? Even a couple of mornings a week? Most playgroups aren't anywhere near as expensive as nurseries. Some days, I dropped them off and just sat in a cafe with a coffee and a magazine, which felt like such a treat!

You need to remember that you are important too. If you can't stretch to childcare during the day, try to get out in the evenings sometimes. I joined a gym, which gave me "me time". Would your DH be happy for you to have time to yourself at weekend? Even pottering around town and window shopping is good for having a break and getting a sense of yourself back.

I do think a lot of this is about being positive - don't let yourself be seen as "just" a mum. Remember that you are still the same person as you were when you were working.

Incidentally, my girls are 3 and a half now, and I have gone back to work part time. I didn't really intend to go back until they started school (this Sept) but an opportunity came up, and it felt right - it was definitely the right time for me to say that MY needs were going to come first - the twins are happy at nursery and my hours allow us to still do the swimming and ballet classes we were doing before. And I feel like more that "just" a mum again, so everyone's a winner.

I do really understand how you feel. I also had a professional career. Similarly although I had worked v hard and achieved much I never really had any love for my job and so looked forward to time away from it when I got pregnant. I took 6 months off work and HATED it. I went skipping happily back into the office and.... HATED it. You just can't win. After DD2 I took a full year's maternity leave, then went back to work on a consultancy basis which was more flexible but still so hard to manage with 2 small children. I resigned completely when pg with DS and am now a full time SAHM, the DCs are now aged 1, 3 and 5. Interestingly I think I have now adjusted to it and am very happy (unlike when I was first on maternity leave). I'm not sure exactly how I have made it work better for myself, but maybe it's organisation. I book up my diary a good week or two in advance, making arrangements so that I have something going on pretty much every day (e.g. meeting a friend for coffee or play dates for the children), the key to it seems to be in surrounding myself with people (whether adults to give me company or extra children over on playdates to keep my little ones occupied). I hope thinks get better for you.

Hello
Well first and foremost I don't think you need a slap round the jaws - if you're not very happy or fullfilled, then you're not very happy or fullfilled - and a slap won't change that. And just because the last 2.5 years haven't worked out exactly as you imagined really isn't something to feel bad about - I'm not aware of having ever met anyone who found life as a parent turned out like they imagined it would.
I think it comes as a massive shock going from feeling Relevant (when you have a good job, that you do well, that lots of people respect you for) to feeling a bit insignificant really. You sort of spend a lot of time wondering if you're really worth it. Because nobody particularly respects you even for doing a very good job of bringing up your child until AEONS later.

I think I'm a bit in the same boat: had a good and very challenging job which I chose - and was glad - to give up when I had a child. Though I was lucky enough to have enjoyed the whole having a child thing rather more than you sound as though you're doing.
I can't tell whether you're trying to work out what kind of work to go back to and get your brain a bit challenged again, or how to cope with the tedium of being at home?
If it's the latter - I know you said you can't afford a nursery/nanny etc, but does this even mean you couldn't afford one session per week until your daughter's 3? From about the age of 18 months I thought I was going to go insane being DS's sole companion (and often feeling he was mine. It wasn't actually the case, but it often FELT like it), so registered him for two 3-hour sessions per week at a nursery (I similarly don't have family locally who could help with childcare). I think it cost about £15 for each session, and it was a complete lifesaver. Meant that for a whole 3 hours I had total private head-space and could just do.... well anything. I ended up having piano lessons but at the beginning just used to go for walks, read the paper, go swimming etc. Which made me altogether less tense and grumpy, and better able to cope with all the rest of the parenting time.
Some other parents looked at me a bit but most of them had partners who'd work short enough (ie normal!) hours to do a reasonable proportion of the parenting on a day-to-day basis, which I don't. So I ended up broadly thinking 'sod them'.
If it's the former - well I can't speak from experience, but this is what I'm thinking of doing from September when DS goes to nursery one full day plus three half-day sessions (no idea if it will work out): some voluntary work to ensure I see and talk to adults - I was planning to do this at a CAB though they haven't bothered to reply to my enquiry or follow-up enquiry yet; plus some retraining so I can do some freelance work from home to earn some money. And hopefully fit this in around the other sessions that he does. I was thinking of doing copy editing, although it is said to be very hard to get actual work.
I came up with the copy editing thing because I really can't work out how I can sensibly do any kind of job that does not involve a commute and therefore a very long day, AND be free during school holidays, and sick days etc.
So - not sure if this helps at all, seems to be a big long thing all about me, rather than about you.
But if nothing else, I hope it's helpful to know you're really not the only person feeling like this.....

Thanks for all these responses. It is a huge relief just to know that other people feel the same way. The guilt is such a useless feeling! All my friends work (part or full time) so have little sympathy!

I certainly will look into voluntary work when DD starts nursery in October and maybe I'll find a reasonably priced childcare option for a few hours. I don't want my dissatisfaction to pass on to my family. Its been worse recently as my husband has been away for a week and has lots of weekend work commitments.

Thanks again for your support. I am very grateful.

As well as voluntary work, you could also start a new hobby - there must be something you've always wanted to do...? I'm learning to sing at the moment and having lessons which I love. What about a sport, craft, learn a new language etc...? You don't have to sit around the house all day without another adult to talk to but it does take effort. And your dd will be at full time school in a couple of years so that will give you more time to do something for you, whatever that is.

def try the playgroups - there are lots in this area that I've only just found out about! I've been spending a fortune on mornings at nursery and I could have been using the playgroup right near the school for half the amount.

good luck

I second NK5cwhasit... - get a hobby. But make it something impressive: what strikes me about your OP is that you miss the respect and validation that having a career brought you. you don't miss having a job it seems, but rather the sense of accomplishment that came with landing one. so take up a hobby that brings you a similar sense of triumph and the respect of your peers. some suggestions:

• learn a language
• a musical instrument
• juggling
• magic

the last 3 would probably be quite popular with your DD and impress the other nursery mums!!

Hi just to let you know i am feeling exactly the same right now. We are also having problems with the sleeping and weaning and my DD s very clingy and wingey (normally a lovely child but...).

Am knackered, feel weepy and DH not being much help. He pays lip-service to my needs but action is rarely helpful. Not his fault really as he works long hours and 6 days a week so doesn't see that much of DD
. when he does all my hard work gets undone!

So all in all I'm not really enjoying parenting though I feel very guilty. Hopefully this is just a phase...

Pollydianasmummy - you sound like you are having a tough time. It is a very lonely job having responsiblity for a child. As much as DH's try to understand this - they really have no idea. They get to leave the house every day and not have to think about your DD. You have to think about her every minute. If its any help it does get easier as they get older - particularly if they are clingy and whiney. This passes. Sometimes you think "This is it - I have a horrible whingey child who I will be stuck with forever - what have I done?" But it will pass and your DD will be lovely again. I bet you are doing a really good job with her.

Don't feel guilty. I spent much of the first year of my daughter's life thinking I'd made a huge mistake and that i just wasn't cut out for motherhood. I always liked my DD (love goes without saying) but I did wonder whether I would have been happier without her....(now there's a really bad though for you!) Once she got over a year old it became more rewarding for me. I hope the same goes for you.

Re: the hobbies. Good idea. I'm certainly not the type of person to sit in the house all day - I'd go insane! I have a full diary every week - I just need some of those appointments to be non-child related.

I guess I can hold on until Nursery and spend the next 6 months setting up and planning for my new hobbies/voluntary work/time alone! Hmmm. I feel a bit better now thats in perspective.

Thanks again!

SantaLucia - Thanks so so so much for starting this thread. I am having such a bad morning and regretting deciding to be a stay at home mum again!!! I've been doing this quite a lot recently. I crave alone time and I've been struggling recently. I typed into the search engine that I'm struggling being a mum and this came up. The comments are so supportive and helpful and I'm relieved there are others in the world that feel the same as me. After reading all these comments I'm going to look at local play groups and schedule stuff into my diary as I need some sort of structure as I'm in a bit of a rut at the moment where I have got myself down. My best wishes are with you all and I thank you for giving me the strength and motivation to turn my life around with your positive advice.

I only got my head back above water when I started working again. And no, I don't mean full time - I work one evening a week as a waitress in a restaurant! My family think I'm nuts, I've had all the usual 'can't you find something in an office' comments, but I love it. I've no childcare either so I only work Friday evenings and DH looks after DS. My colleagues are mostly students and don't have children so we only talk about other things. The money is minimum wage but it gets me out the house without costing me, which is the downside of a hobby or the gym, especially if money is tight. I also feel like a proper person again because I go to work.

Do you have a children's centre nearby? I have recently got involved with the volunteering/planning activities side of things there and its fab. Dd can be with me but playing whilst we talk about grown up stuff and she's going to start inductions into their creche soon.
I'm getting to do all sorts of different training, it's so varied and I'm making a difference in my local community.

Oh god, yeah, you're not alone - by the end of my maternity leave, I was getting so house-bound and frustrated!!

I work part-time, and feel like a much happier parents because of it. I'm a better mother when I've had a break, and I've had a chance to miss my daughter.

Two good ideas above re: working in the evenings and volunteering at a children's centre. Both are free.

Also, remember that the kids will be at school one day soon, so this is just a phase in your life - it isn't forever.

I totally understand. I thought I would love maternity leave but I found it a very lonely experience and realised that I am a very sociable person - I love being around people even if it's general chitchat while working. I went back to work earlier than I intended and that was a turning point and gave me focus. It also made me work on ddd's routine in time for my return to work. I appreciate the milestones and quality time I spend with dd now. And she fully understands the weekly routine

Just because things haven't panned out as you thought doesn't mean you are not a natural or good mother. Don't feel embarrassed to say that you want to work and don't feel you need to justify your feelings. You have an opportunity to retrain or move into a different area of work and if you start working towards that you will start to feel a lot better xx