Bribing DD1 not to smoke

[Sazisi]

DH started smoking when he was about 11 , I started when I was about 13. Neither of us smoke now and it's really the only thing we regret doing. I hate the idea of the kids smoking..

We've told DD1 if she hasn't smoked by the time she's 21 she gets a grand.

It's an idea stolen and slightly adapted from a friend, who has promised the same to her son only including no drinking (DH would like to go the whole hog, I'm not sure avoiding alcohol until 21 is realistic?)

DD1 thinks it's a good idea, being a money-mad 10 year-old.
I know it's a bit something , but I know how strong peer pressure can be, and a financial incentive seems like possibly the only thing that might trump it..(I know seeing pictures of charred lungs etc ought to, but didn't seem to discourage me much)

I'd love to know your thoughts?

Also what about alcohol? I'd like to have a realistic (but slightly optimistic ) household policy on alcohol but a bit confused..

If you can afford it, I don't see why not.

There was some bloke on Desert Island Disks this morning who was making his kids trust funds provisional on their not smoking (might have been drinking too, not sure).

Ridiculous idea imo. A grand for not smoking Where will it stop. And how on earth will you know if she has smoked? You are treading a very fine line imo. And I speak as someone who doesn't smoke or drink, without the promise of a grand to stop me.

I think its a ridiculous idea as well ,sorry bit too controlling imo

We've got over 10 years to save up Grimma

justallovertheplace how are we treading a fine line? I trying to see where the risk is here but need it explaining please
We pretty much know every trick in the book, so she would have to be pretty cunning to conceal smoking evidence from us

You are treading a fine line in that you are expecting her to make choices to please you and not to make those decisions for herself. I had similar parents (lack of money, but similar expecations of perfection) and it has led to a very mixed up life for me, not living it for myself but to please everyone else. Sorry to get heavy, but you did ask. You are better just to give her the information, let her make up her own mind, knowing that you will love her anyway (becasue you will. Smoking isn't the end of the world, it is a horrible habit, but by making it a big no no all you are doing is increasing the appeal)

I hadn't considered the encouraging lying angle Pixie

"pay your children to behave for you" - you have articulated my funny feeling about it there.

I do appreciate your view justallovertheplace. I do slightly have expectations of perfection

There is trust between us PixieOnaLeaf, I just really don't want her to smoke.

Well, I don't see anything particularly wrong with it, though you could show her what can happen to people who smoke, but I think the problem is that when people are young they feel invincible so that might not work. When I was at school children were often given money for good GCSE / A Level results - I don't see that this is any different, and not smoking is not really about 'behaving' or otherwise, it's simply an (ill advised) lifestyle choice. You are right - peer pressure is very hard to resist and I remember all my friends smoked when I was 16 and some of them hated it and told me so.

i'm not sure that abstaining from all alcohol until 21 is even desirable - it could easily lead to serious partying once she turns 21... given that alcohol is legal and not entirely bad for you in reasonable quantities i think that learning to drink responsibly is far more desirable.

not sure about the smoking thing.. i can't see how you would know if she tried a puff or two.. or are you not bothered about that, it's just that you don't want her to be a habitual smoker? i guess you'd have to be clear what the actual rules are.

My parents did this for me. My mum let slip one day that her dad (a GP who smoked back in the 50s until the health problems became obvious) had offered her and her sisters money not to smoke. So of course, my siblings and I all demanded the same treatment. We were offered £500 for not smoking by the age of 21. And an extra £100 if all 3 of us didn't (I guess to try and encourage us to persuade each other not to).
In terms of encouraging lying... my mum always said that she would require us to look her in the eye and tell her that we hadn't smoked ever, and she said she was confident we wouldn't lie. I guess she could have been incredibly naive, but actually I would have felt terrible to get that money knowing I was lying to her (perhaps the benefit of it being at 21 rather than much younger?).
I totally agree with you that I should have made up my own mind about something like smoking. And of course I did. But there was a time when the offer of the money was very motivating and useful. Probably between ages 12-15 when all my friends were having a few trial puffs and some of them were really getting hooked, it was a good motivation not to join them- and gave me a valid excuse to not even try something I actually didn't want to do, when there was alot of peer pressure to join in (I wasn't very cool and desperately wanted to fit in but also was very 'good' and didn't want to do something wrong iykwim).
I doubt very much that I would have seriously smoked if they hadn't offered the money to be honest (far too sensible), although I am sure my younger brother would have, and he says it persuaded him not to start.
They weren't the kind of parents to offer cash rewards for anything else- definately not for exam results- we were just expected to work hard for these. I haven't actually spoken to my mum about whether she is pleased she offered us the money since I became a parent, and I haven't thought about whether I will do the same for my DDs (they are only 2 and 3 months though!).
I really don't think it would work for alcohol in the same way. The whole thing about smoking is that it is so easily addictive, and you want to stop your teenager getting the habit, whereas alcohol can be taken in moderation and be enjoyable and not harmful so to ban it outright seems extreme. Much more important to teach them sensible limits to drinking I think.

Why not just tell your DD that by smoking at all she is greatly increasing her chance of having a heart attack, various cancers and lung disease.

Show her this

Thinking about it, it wasn't about demanding perfection. My parents weren't saying we won't love you if you choose to smoke. They were simply expressing how they really felt that this was a behaviour they would prefer we didn't start. £500 felt like a lot but at the same time, wasn't so much that we couldn't have said 'stuff this, I don't want your money, I want to smoke'. I feel it is a lot more suspect to pay children for good school results- I had friends who were paid on a sliding scale for their results- and of course their siblings were paid on the same scale- which seemed a bit unfair on the one who tried really hard but was never going to get more than a C compared to their sister who did no work and got an A through being naturally clever.

If she wants to smoke she will. Simples.

Best antismoking ads I have ever ever seen were in Arizona in the states in the 90s... the tagline was "tumour causing, teeth staining, smelly puking habit" and they had some unbelievably gross (but funny) ads...

• teens sitting in park talking, one teen is smoking, dog sitting nearby .. dog walks over and wees on ciggy, putting it out, then walks off...

• girl at disco smoking, waving ciggy all over, burning people, blowing smoke all over, dropping ash on others... they all pick her up and toss her in huge waste bin

• teenagers on date at movie, he has drink cup, has tobacco and is spitting it into cup.. she is watching movie, eating popcorn, reaches over and nabs cup and takes a sip......

plus a number of others, but those come immediately to mind..

I would love to see these types of things here. They found that smoking/tobacco use by teens apparently dropped, and the teens noticed the ads and remembered them. I think they made a good impression because they weren't preachy. Anyhow - maybe you can find a few on you-tube.

I didn't have an issue with DD smoking, as she has asthma. Had she tried to start smoking, I'd have known pretty quickly, about the time the ambulance showed up!

seems a bit weird TBH, I can just about understand financial incentive to do something good (exam results etc) but to bribe them not to do something is a different matter, and there's no way of knowing if she's had a fag at a party or something, and will still get the money.

My dad has never tried smoking and my mum only got through half a pack once. They just brought me up to know that smoking. is. stupid.

I think it's a good idea, OP. She will remember at the right time, she will have a street-creditworthy reason to fend off the peer pressure.

I seriously think to pay DC for GCSE and A-level results, too; because honestly, I know it works having spoken to loads of teens with suitably inclined and generous grandparents.

Only tricky bit is how much she has to infringe the rule to not get the money... does one puff at a party violate the agreement or does it have to become a regularly daily habit to not get the grand.

My parents did this with me and my siblings and it was completely ineffective. All four of us had smoked by the age of 21.

You might find this article in yesterday's Guardian interesting.

So on this thread we've had the child who got offered money- and it worked. And the child who got offered money- and it didn't work. And let me add myself as the third option: didn't get offered money but still didn't smoke because I thought it was silly.

Seems the jury is still out on this one

I really think that our children will be the first generation to not take up smoking in huge numbers.

1. They don't see people smoking all around them all the time because of the smoking ban in public places