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Parenting

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Original poster

I don't feel the same way about my 2 sons :(

18 replies

libbybeth · 19/03/2010 12:42

I have 2 boys 8 and 7, I love them both dearly but struggle with guilt over not feeling the same about the younger one as I do the elder. I try to compensate for this by constantly telling him how wonderful he is and how much I love him, when I give them treat(ice-cream) and I notice maybe ones a little bigger i'll tell myself give that to him, it's as if i'm constantly trying to make myself love him more. I'm pretty sure he doesn't realise but I just feel more attached/closer to the elder. He's less needy, more laid back, and yet with other people it's my younger son who's the hit, he's social and very much a people pleaser. I don't know what's wrong, or if these feelings will change but I feel tremendous guilt for feeling this way

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lukewarmcupoftea · 19/03/2010 14:25

libbybeth - that's so sad, but not that uncommon I don't think. I don't have anything helpful to say, as mine are still so little so I don't really compare how I feel about them yet, I just wanted to say two things:

I think its tremendously brave of you to post about this, and shows what a good mother you must be to both of them, to be worrying about this.
I'm sure I've read quite a few similar posts, so worth using the search facility to try to find them? They will hopefully be of some use.

Hope you get some more helpful advice soon.

benandoli · 19/03/2010 14:31

Guilt is the biggest shock about parenting to me, about all sorts of things. Try not to stress. Children are different we are told not to compare but that is impossible. Its ok to feel like you do and I would say totally normal.

abride · 19/03/2010 14:36

You know, this may change as they grow up. You might find that as they near adolescence you feel closer to number two. I have phases of feeling more empathy for one or other of my children. Then it shifts.

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lukewarmcupoftea · 19/03/2010 14:37

Actually, I've just had a chance to think about that. I do compare how I feel about them, even now (they are only 9 months and 2.5). Basically if one is being a little horror or not sleeping, then I have definitely thought how much I love the one that isn't acting up. Maybe having favourites is just normal? And yes, maybe it does change over time depending on how your relationship with them evolves. Perhaps the trick is, as you are, just to never let them know it?

1Littleboy1Bigboy · 19/03/2010 16:15

libbybeth - i do empathize because i struggle with my feelings for my two boys aged 6 and 2. After ds1 was born i had NO feelings for him at all - even said for them to take him way but i then got very very OTT with him and was with him constantly and felt very panicked if we were apart. he would also refuse to go to anyone else.

ds2 - is very different, i instantly had that rush of love, he is so so cheeky and independent and so funny when he tries to "play" my husband and i off against each other. Such a huge fun personality.

I however feel i have bonded more with ds1 and struggle so much to be natural with ds2. Why??

Original poster

libbybeth · 05/04/2010 12:19

Thanks for your responses, it's great to have a site such as this for reassurance. I do hope it changes for me and my feelings change as my boys grow.

Not sure if it's connected, but I do feel my Mum favoured my brother as we were growing, although i'm much closer to her (and do all her errands and jobs!) she seems to hold a torch for him. Maybe it's those feelings that make me so guilty about my second son and not wanting him to feel how I have felt over the years

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FabIsGettingThere · 05/04/2010 12:27

I would try and stop worrying and thinking about this. I am sure you are doing a great job and the boys know they are loved. Do they?

I know someone who has step son and 2 birth sons. It is so obvious to me she favours her own 2 as well as barely hiding her negative feelings for him and it makes me so and . She has been in his life since he was 1. How can she not like or love him?

I have 3 children and they are all my favourites for a different reason but nothing compares to your first child and there will always be a different bond with them. Mine also increased by the fact he was going to be my own.

bobbiewickham · 05/04/2010 12:38

The mother/child relationship is still a relationship, and personalities are going to come into it.

The very fact that you are trying to compensate your second child shows how much you love him.

My two boys are so different, and ds2 I find much easier to get on with day to day. We are quite similar and he is much less awkward than his brother.

However, ds1, for all his awkwardness, shows flashes of sweetness and vulnerability that make me just melt.

The day to day relationship I have with them is different, but it's all underpinned with a bedrock of love that is the same for both of them, if you see what I mean.

Try to relax.

MrsTriangle · 05/04/2010 21:32

I am like that with my first one and feel exactly as you do and behave exactly as you do. The times the feeling drops is when I've put some good solid one to one time in with the eldest, doing something that I know I will enjoy too, (so she gets to see genuine feelings from me about the activity). We then both genuinely enjoy doing something together and I feel at one with her and things are very natural. I'm trying to do more of it. It is helping both of us.

Scorps · 05/04/2010 21:37

You're not alone; I feel differently about my eldest to my other 3, and not because he has a different dad either, I think it's a personality thing. I do have to remind myself to be affectionate with him when I just do it with the others.

I do feel sad about it but I'm sure he doesn't know, I do treat them the same on the outside. Just keep going how you are, I did a one to one session helps me rediscover his delightfulness iyswim.

WinkyWinkola · 05/04/2010 21:56

I'm like this with my ds (nearly 5) and dd (3). I always try to give my ds more of everything so that he doesn't suspect how much closer I feel to dd.

It's a horrible feeling and I dread the thought that he'll guess and get messed up. I don't want to mess up my kids.

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 05/04/2010 21:58

I have 8 year old twin boys and adore them both but DTS2 has always been a screamer, had major tantrums, very attention seeking and quite spiteful to DTS1 so I have always feel slightly detached from him especially when he was younger as he was so difficult to deal with! I felt embarrassed by his behaviour.

DTS1 has always been cuter, cuddlier and generally easy to deal with (he also is prone to illness and has asthma and excema whereas DTS2 is as strong as an ox). I have always gone out of my way to treat them the same and am very affectionate with both but feel that it does not come as naturally with DTS2. The tables are turning now though as DTS2 is the one who does what he's told and is eager to please all the time whereas DTS1 ignores me constantly!! The guilt is awful and breaks my heart sometimes. So you are not the only one!

Karoleann · 05/04/2010 22:17

I don't love DS2 as much as DS1. They're both little (nearly 4) and 20 months, DS2 is actually much easier than DS1! So I don't know why. I'm hoping it'll get better as he gets older - I'm not a very baby person, I'm great with slightly older children. But...I do feel bad about it too.
Maybe you can find something that you really enjoy doing with the littler one?

There · 14/04/2010 04:13

I have that problem too - I think it's not uncommon. The book "Siblings without Rivalry" touches on the subject, if you can get hold of it.

peanandhamsoup · 14/04/2010 14:20

to OP, if you ds2 was a girl do you think you would feel differently? maybe its gender dissapointment?

Fliight · 14/04/2010 14:25

Same here...

it does shift about from time to time, but usually, it's the same one I feel less close to, resent slightly, perhaps - don't understand how his little mind works.

I try SO hard to compensate and tell myself how lovely he is but it doesn't work.

I fake it when I have to

But maybe it is something as simple as chemistry. I wish I knew the answer.

Fliight · 14/04/2010 14:28

What worries me most is that I knew I was not liked, I knew it right from the start - so I think ds knows, too.

It's heartbreaking but just impossible to get past, for some reason.

I feel as though he will always bring this burden of guilt, however old he gets, however much I try

always just an awkward relationship. I know I love him, I adore him but he is so, so difficult and so not the same as me.

The other one I feel is part of me, actually part of me. It isn't fair is it?

Greenshadow · 14/04/2010 14:30

Over the years, my favourites have constantly changed.
Hopefully it is never apparent although I sometimes get accused of 'DS1 always gets what he wants' or 'Ds3 got to do that yesterday!' or what ever. Which may just illustrate what OP says about over compensating...

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