Patience

[S999]

Hi there
I have absolutely NO patience when it comes to teaching my child, whether it be practising piano, writing, simple arithmetic.
I fly off the handle when she makes basic mistakes.
This is certainly affecting her and her enthusiasm for these tasks. Should I just stop doing anything for a month or so? And get some help? Does anyone else have this problem?
I feel so bad sending her off to school knowing how I have cursed her. She is a sweet, bright girl and I don't want to spoil her potential. Am I expecting too much from her?
She is quite a quiet, shy girl at school, very different at home and haven't noticed any change in behaviour. Yet.
thank you so much for your help.

I'm exactly the same and know how you feel. I WANT to be kind and tolerant and patient and give loads of positive encouragement and yet again, I'll find myself cross and negative that DCs can't get it right FIRST time or haven't understood soemthing right away.

I think I'd be USELESS as a teacher and I really appreciate their patience.

How old is your daughter? I've got twin sons aged 8 and from the start, I've been a lousy 'teacher' of skills. DS2 has learned to get on with his music practice and homework on his own, therefore and much prefers it this way - although we were BOTH struggling with his Maths last night. I also found that by playing a game with him, pretending to be the examiner (different accent etc)when he prepared for a recent music exam, that this helped us both.

DS1 resists all work and music practice anyway and has a couldn't care less attitude and this brings out the worst in me. Sometimes, he'll deliberately pretend not to be able to do something, just to wind me up.

I really just have to walk away at this point.

So I echo your feelings and wonder how anyone else copes with this and whether it's possible to learn to be different?

I'm so pleased to receive your message. Am literally in tears as I type, I feel so very guilty.
I know what you mean, massive respect to all teachers. But then so much of what we put in is emotional because as mothers, we want our kids to be brilliant and succeed, this is just the worst way to make this happen tho.
My DD is nearly 4 and my DS is just over 2. My poor son just sits there saying that she's a good girl.
I think the last two days I have shocked myself. I was never this bad but now I am a disgrace. I called her stupid despite my constantly telling them not to use certain words. I squeezed her arm and broke a toothbrush.
I don't know what to do other than leave her alone for a bit and let her do what she likes reading, writing-wise. In the meantime, I am going to talk to my GP.
Has any of this affected your sons, do you think?
Thanks again

I like the games idea

It very much depends. I CAN be patient, but DS1 is very slap dash (he is 9). Shouting sometimes ensues ....

BUT, your DD is very very small small. No need to worry (I find that when I'm worried, about progress I'm less patient). If you are losing your temper, then it's time to back off completely, even if that means not doing the homework at all. She's learning at school. She doesn't NEED to do this at home as well. It's affecting your relationship already, and may affect her willingness to try difficult things.

It does sound like you need to talk this through with someone. This temper loss is a sign of something else going on (I know, I once got to the point where I deliberately broke something DS made).

I think there are lots of messages out there telling us to worry excessively about our children's learning,. Try and with-stand it and let school get on with it.

Solo2 - I find that it works best if we have a homework night - completely non-negotiable. That said, if he's struggling, we'll leave some of it for the next morning. He's much better in the mornings, but we'd never get it all done in the morning IYSWIM.

I too walk away if I'm losing my temper.

DS1 prefers me to sit with him rather than leaving him to it.

DS2 is a girly swot who loves doing homework (like I was).

I am patient with difficulties and mistakes, but not with a slap-dash attitude or refusal (which is sometimes just a mask for lack of self-confidence)

Well, I was thinking about this thread just a couple of hrs ago when helping DS1 with his Maths. I alternated between gentle support and total frustration but managed to keep the impatience mostly under wraps. So I'd say that pre-empting the impatience and thinking about it at the same time as doing the homework thing, really helps stem the anger.

Ironically, it's the patient, gentle support that helps DS1 do better and have the right attitude too. My impatience helps no one.

I find sometimes it's a barometer of my own state of mind how I am and wonder if that's the case with you too? Like if the kitchen is a tip and I've loads of unfinished work to do and the laundry has piled up and I just haven't got TIME to help DCs but of course I feel a 'good Mummy' should always help....then I'm liable to be NOT the best Mummy helping with homework and should just leave him to it.

Another thing is that if they're doing something that seems easy and obvious to me, I find it hard to understand why they can't do it easily too. It's like I expect them to have an adult attitude and ability whereas I've got 38 yrs of life and learning on them!

DCs get homework every night and every w/e too. So we can't miss a night but some nights there's less than others, which helps.

I think how my impatience has affected my sons is that one has become v independent and the other has lost confidence and so I'm working hard at restoring this but I DO think that this is more about myself than my sons and that there's an underlying need for me to get more control over my life and feel less stressed and exhausted. Everything falls into place when I'm in a better space myself and I echo Jamie...'s post and suggest you talk to your GP and explore how you can relax and chill out a lot more.

Hi there, thankyou all for your advice and comments, lot of helpful things.

It's absolutely true that most of this is about me and only a tiny bit is DD playing up for attention, which she does quite often as her brother is starting to become quite chatty now too.

I will talk to my GP but on the positive side, the last two days, I have been very guarded, not overpraising but at the same time, giving lots of reassurance and trying to build up her confidence again. Now it's Easter holidays, i think i will try to enjoy days out with her and do fun things and as you say, Jamie, let the school get on with the tough stuff. Hopefully by the time the homework days arrive, I will have sorted out my issues. I am seeing my GP next week.

DD got into a very academic private school adn part of that is worrying me. She has becoming much quieter and more shy in the last 2 months but teachers haven't noticed any major change and they tell me it's all part of her growing up. Best not to dwell on it too much at this stage.

In short, am trying to detach myself a bit. I am so different with DS and he is a very loud and confident boy.