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Parenting

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Original poster

Is it too late to have another one?

16 replies

earthworm · 18/03/2010 10:09

I am so pleased to have found this site, and hope that someone can help me to reach a decision or slap some sense into me.

I am 38 and DH is 39, we already have two DCs aged 8 and 11.

In recent months I have become overwhelmed with wanting another baby. DH was understandably surprised as we had previously decided to stop at two - he feels that we are too old, and that there would be too large an age gap between the children (not trying to offend anyone, I don't agree but that is how he feels). He says that he was just starting to look forward to a new phase in his life and things are much easier now that DC are more independent.

I feel as if this could be our last chance, and of course no guarantees that it would happen at all, and don't want to make a mistake that we will regret. I don't feel like him about the future - I feel sad that there will never be a baby in the house again.

The thing is that I think that he could be persuaded. He has agreed to me coming off the pill for example. Part of me thinks that it is just the same nerves that he felt before we ttc our other two, and that it will all work out in the end, and a (larger) part thinks that he has got a point and I need to stop being selfish, concentrate on the children we do have and move on.

Would love somebody's unbiased opinion, even if it's not what I want to hear, as can't discuss this with anyone in RL.

OP posts:

BigMomma3 · 18/03/2010 10:33

I was in a similar position to you except DH is 41 (I am 38) and our 3 DCs are aged 13, 8 and 8!! I felt exactly the same as you - getting older, wanted one last chance to go through pregnancy, birth etc and most of all wanted to experience having a new baby in the house again . DH felt similar to yours - 3 DCs were enough, did not want to go through the sleepless nights and start all over again!!

I knew that it was just a broody phase and it may have passed so we agreed that we would try for 3 months and if nothing happened then I would move on! Anyway, it happened within the first month and I am now 22 weeks pregnant. DCs are delighted and can't wait for 'our' baby to come. DH is also delighted (was a bit worried at first!) and very chuffed. We have the same financial worries as everyone else but will manage the same as everyone else!

I have had a few wobblies about the DCs maybe not getting enough attention when the baby is born and my career now being totally down the plughole but I know the DCs will be occupied with school, activities etc so don't think they will be too affected and I was not happy with my career path anyway. I do know the DCs will adore the baby and it will bring a lot of love and laughter to the house so that will more than make up for it.

My advice is to maybe agree a time limit to ttc and see what happens. Your feelings may pass or you may get lucky. Either way you tried and won't have the regrets that you may have if you don't. I think I would have regretted not having another one more than I will regret HAVING this one.

GooseyLoosey · 18/03/2010 10:35

You are cetainly not too old. Only you know how it would affect your family and whether your dh could cope.

AnAngelWithin · 18/03/2010 10:38

i would rather have no regrets....and you might regret later on in life when it IS too late, not having that baby. You will never regret HAVING another, but might regret NOT. If that makes sense?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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mosschops30 · 18/03/2010 10:41

absolutely not too old, and I had an 8 year gap between dd and ds and its worked out great (FWIW they still fight like proper brother and sister )

Agree with others who have said give it a go, you may not get pg and then you'll know its happened for a reason, then again you might catch the first month off the pill. You wont regret having another, but you may regret not having one IYKWIM

Rindercella · 18/03/2010 10:41

You're definitely not too old - I'm a few weeks short of 40 and DD2 is due in the next few days. However, as Goosey said, only you and your DH can decide if having another baby is right for you and your family.

wickeddevil · 18/03/2010 10:52

Hi Earthworm. We had a second daughter last year when our Son was 14 and our daughter 11 and it is absolutely fantastic.

We were both 40 at the time, an age when other people buy sports cars. Ultimately DD2 will cost us more - but bring so much more in return!

We ummed and ahhed for years about whether to or not, particularly as my downs risk had been raised in my previous 2 pregnancies, so we were concerned that a third child at such an advanced age (LOL) would increase the risk.

Happily all turned out well and DS2 is healthy and delightful, and I am really proud of the relationship our older children have with her.

Should add though, that some others were more challenged by the situation. If you do go ahead be prepared for "ohh, was it planned?" and "Is it the same father?" type questions.

Whatever you decide good luck

Original poster

earthworm · 18/03/2010 10:57

Thank you so much for your comments. I'm sitting here having a little cry at your kind words - I really thought that loads of people would just tell me to pull myself together! So lovely to hear that other people have done it and it has all worked out.

OP posts:

GaribaldiGirl · 18/03/2010 18:55

earthworm - i have 5 children because i keep feeling exactly like you do. had number 4 at 39 and number 5 at 43. number 5 is now 7 months and eldest 4 are at school and it's utterly marvelous - just baby and me at home so i get to really enjoy her. my eldest is 10 and she adores her baby sister and has learned so much about how to look after babies and be responsible. it's meant we have less exotic holidays, less nice 'things' but who wants all of that when you can have lovely gorgeous cuddly babies with chubby thighs and a house full of noise and chaos.

jardins · 18/03/2010 20:39

Dear Earthworm, our third dc arrived seven weeks ago, two months after my 41st birthday, and she is PERFECT! It's the best thing in the world for us and my dc (14 and 6) are smitten. Might I be allowed a spontaneous and wholehearted 'GO FOR IT!!!!!'

AuntyC · 18/03/2010 22:16

I have exactly that age gap, DS3 born when other two were 11 and 8 and I was forty. I've got varicose veins and my tummy muscles haven't recovered but DS3 is a total joy. DS1 and DS2 dote on him. I felt just like you - really broody and if I hadn't had a third I am sure I would have always regretted it - so my advice is go for it!

Original poster

earthworm · 19/03/2010 14:59

Jardins, of course you are allowed a wholehearted 'go for it' that is exactly what I was secretly hoping for! Thank you for your reassurance too GaribaldiGirl and Aunty C. In fact, I showed OH this thread last night and he certainly seemed a lot more positive once he had finished reading - said I had put up a good argument (with your help of course!) and that he would give it some serious consideration. I think he would quite like a 'happy accident' that would take the decision making out of his hands really, as it is actively trying that he seems to object to.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 19/03/2010 15:05

agewise, no - not too old. I was 40 when DS was born and we're still trying for #2.

Gapwise - don't know, no experience but others here say it's fine - only you can know how you will be able to cope energy-wise. But I also agree with the poster who said go for it because you might regret it later when it is too late.

Good luck!

FabIsWantingToFallApart · 19/03/2010 15:09

I think it should be the other way around. TTC for a certain amount of time and then agreeing to give up is a dangerous game if you conceive and your oh was hoping you wouldn't. What about you talk to each other one night and each say why you feel the way you do and then agree to not talk about it for a certain amount of time and then talk again. One or both of you might feel differently.

Dh and I are 38 and we won't have anymore but it isn't because of our age.

Good luck.

CuppaTeaJanice · 19/03/2010 15:12

Keep in mind that multiple births are more common in more mature mothers. I know two women who thought 'just one more' - one had twins, the other triplets!

You need to make your decision based on whether you want another 'child', not just a 'baby' otherwise you'll probably find yourself wanting DC4 in a couple of years.

And if you decide against the idea, don't worry that you'll have no more babies in your life - there's a good chance you'll have cuddly little grandchildren one day in the future!

Skegness · 19/03/2010 15:25

38 and 39 is not really that old in the scheme of things, I'd say. I have plenty of mates who left it quite a bit later and were lucky enough to conceive without too much hassle at all.

Re age gaps: I have a 10 year gap between my twins and their 7 month old sister and we are all loving it. The boys are just astonishingly sweet with her. It has really brought out their gentle, nurturing side and they honestly seem to think she's ace, much to my surprise. They even kept making rather bemused friends come back after school to see her at first! It was a slight shock to the system to go back to all the baby stuff after such a long time and in the very early days I felt rather torn between the needs of the boys and their tiny newborn sister but a few months on everything feels very settled and happy.

Bigmomma2's advice sounds good.

addictedtolatte · 19/03/2010 15:32

your not too old at all. i had mine when i was 38 and love being an older mum. good luck

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