someone help me get over this guilt and jealous feelings!

[NobbyD]

Hi all,

I'm going through another phase of feeling really guilty and overwhelming jealous of being a full time working mummy.

My ds who is 20 months goes to nursery 4 days a week and with his nan on Fridays. I can go through the week as normal with just looking forward to quality time at the weekends. But every so often I go through these terrible phases where all I want to do is pick up ds, run off and cuddle him forever.

I think its come from having the parents talk yesterday with his key worker. She showed me his scrap book and all the notes they take and I just realised how much I am missing out on. I immediately went home and cried and cried this morning on the way into work.

I hate that he spends more time with strangers than his own mother. I hate that he learns so much from them and not me. I am jealous that when he cries or is upset and needs reassurance during the day it is them he goes to.

I have just moved jobs as my last place was so far away, I was always so late home I didn't get to see him. I now get home an hour earlier, which I thought would make all the difference but it hasn't.

It also doesn't help that he has gone all clingy to his daddy recently as well. I hardley get a look in anymore and I am always shocked at how much it hurts!

Please, full time working mummies, tell me your stories and how you coped spending so little time with your little ones?

I felt same when working full time, it's really hard. In the end I went part time after my ds2 was born. Is changing/reducing hours an option for you?

Thanks cupofcofee. Its not really an option as I have just changed jobs and we need the money as have also just moved to bigger house.

I am going to ask for more working from home, but that doesn't solve the problem of not being with ds as he will still have to go to nursery but at least I will be there when he gets home.

I know he is very happy at nursery and I should be thankful that all the staff there love and care for him in the way they do.

When having a child I never thought that jealousy would be one of the emotions that would come along with it!

I had this too.

I used to have an hour and half commute, and was seperated from DD's daddy (before i found out I was PG - but that's another whole long story) I used to have to wake DD at 6am and put her straight in the car to take her to her dad's who in turn took her to nursery, while I got on the 7.20 train to work. Would get home from work at 6pm drive over to her dad's (if it was "my night") who had in the mean time collected her from nursery at 5pm, get home at 7pm than she would be in bed by 8pm, I saw her for an hour, and even then only on "my days, due to shared parenting. It was awful and I hated it, so much so, that I did exactly as you have done and changed my job, which helped slightly as I got an hour more with her in the mornings and an hour more in the evenings. I still, like you, felt sooooo guilty and jealous of the girls at nursery and got myself into a big tizz. But at the same time, I had no alternative, I needed the money and DD loved her time at nursery.

She is now 5 and at school (albeit still going to after school club until 5.30pm every night!!)
She loves me sooo much and knows how much she is loved. She really looks forward to weekends, as I make a concious effort to make these very child orientated and she gets my full attention (most of the time)
It has made no difference to her at all.

I still wish I had been able to spend more time with her when she was little, but in the same way that I wish I had more patience or time or money, so that i could be a STAHM.

Some things just can't be changed, just make the best of them, your DC will still love you whatever.

i have changed my hours at work to do 2h in a day when little one is @ nursery and 3 in the evening when my hubby comes home from work after i saw my childminder on a school run with my little one
it broke my heart seeing him without me,
no mentuioning that the time i used to have off i would be stressed and tired and not paying that much attention ...
so i spoke to my boss and he has agreed to slit my 5h working day into 2: 2h @ lunchtime and 3 h in the evening

now we have whole morning together go swimming, park etc, i take him to nursery for 12 run to work run back to get him@3, get home he has free play or gets in the way helps me when i cook we eat what we just made and @5:30 daddy gets home and i go to work again
ok i miss out on bedtime in the week but i do it @ the weekend and i am so much happier!

especially that this way i can actually keep my wage instead handing it over to the childminder

Nobby, I could have written your post, all I'd need to do is change DS for DD. I work full time and in the last few weeks have started missing DD like mad. I've been back at work full time for about 6 months, I think until Xmas I was just enjoying being back, January was just coping with the snow, but February and March and I've really, really missed her.

I don't have much advice, I've had a few good cries with DH, I work at home one day a week, and as we have a nanny I do get to see her at home. But even then it's a bit miserable locking myself away with the laptop so I can work and so coming and going doesn't upset DD.

I'm talking to DH about what to do, I'm thinking about looking for a job nearer home (currently commute about 1 1/2 hrs each way), saving up so I can take a year's sabbatical or if I can persuade DH, start trying to DC no 2!!

I did have a jealous moment this evening when I got home and DD kept going to her nanny and not me to play.