Does this make me a bad mother?

[Carlita2010]

Firstly I'm new hello

I don't really know where to start I just wanted some advice.

I have a 13 year old son ( only child if that makes a diff)

We have moved a lot through his childhood he has been to 5 primary schools as I write that I wince a little but let me explain.

He started school 1, and me and his dad split up. I lived 100's of miles from all my family and I had to move back to be near them.

So he went to school 2 an Inner city school which he hated was falling in with a bad crowd blah blah.

So me and my parents moved to a very quiet place in the country and he started school 3.

I started my own business which was successful and grew quite rapidly. I then sold part of my business and took on a partner who decided the business needed to be relocated to thrive as the area never had the work force we needed. So after long and hard consideration we moved to another nice area and he went to school 4.

now I feel the need to add here I never made any of these moves without thinking I was doing the best for us all finacially and whatnot.

to cut a long story short ~ the buisness failed ( as many have) and we were all unemployed. I was offered a job in England which seemed like a dream come true good money accomodation good area that was school 5.

When we moved to the new area the job wasn't all it was supposed to be I needed to work long hours and I hardly seen my son the accomodation was damp and my son was really really unhappy. so we waited till he finished school and came back to Scotland for him starting high school.

now my Son is a well behaved well balanced young man we have never had any trouble from him. He does well in his studies and we get nothing but compliments from the schools he has attended about his manners and behaviour and how hard he tries.

I think although not normal we have had a good life we always get involved in the schools he goes too.

I just worry other people look down there noses at me about it and think Im a bad person and it annoys me as its normally people who have problem children or think there was has to be better.

This year is the first time myself and my now partner haven't worked we have always paid taxes and earn not too badly.

So now a year into high school job offers have started to come in but of course they are not in this area ..........

Should I hold out here and hope something comes up because I fear what other people will say he has 3 years left at school.

Or is it better to take one of the offers in a nice area and well ........

I don't know ........

wow, what does your son think about moving again?

i don't think it makes you a bad mother at all, you always did what you thought best

You have done your very best for him, he sounds like a lovely, well rounded boy so you should be very proud. Our best is all any of us can do, anyone that tells you otherwise is a tosspot!! Face the future as a family and see what your son says about another move, they are more resiliant then we give them credit for. Don't feel guilty, I know it's easier said then done because my son has moved schools more then he should have. Like you, I do my best, sometimes things don't work out but it takes courage to try.

My children have moved around a lot, and now that they are a bit older, I am trying to stay in one place.

It doesn't make you a bad mother it is just the things life throws at us.

Have you and hubbie considered living apart until your son finishes high school and goes off to uni or work?

My hubbie is home at week-ends and whilst it's tough on my own Mon to Fri we are doing it for a) stability for litteun and b) money which is littleun's future.

wow I just realised how long that post was sorry

to be honest I've not really mentioned it to him, he's not very happy at the school he is having a problem with a particular group of boys.

We have considered living apart but my son hated this idea and just wants us all to be together. Also our job is running hotels so it normally takes both of us.

Thank you so much for all your replys so far.

Just talk to your son and see what he says, then take things from there.

I don't think it makes you a bad parent at all. You're doing the best you can for your family.

If your son is having problems at his school then perhaps a move would be a good thing for you all?

I think BelleDeChocolate is right though - see what your son says and make a decision from there.

It doesn't make you a bad parent,

your son should have a choice in the matter though,

I have had to restrain myself here, as i had a similar background moving around like your son has.

buy the time i was 15 i had moved house 18 times! and it hasn't done me any good, infact i nearly had a breakdown when we moved last time.

im not telling you this to make you feel bad, but i wish someone would of told my mum to think seriously about how it would/could affect me, im sure she did on some level, but it wasn't the most important thing to her and it should of been well before the 18th move.

@OTTMummA ~ Thank you for sharing ~ I wonder if the reason for moving makes a difference

Our moves have always been positive as in we were moving to improve our life/ have a better life.

I have always on each occassion we have moved given it so much thought that it has made me ill and looking at it from his point of view.

I feel the need to say if I think it is in his best interests to stay here and try and get just any job then that is what we will do. He is the most important thing in my life.

I just wish I had a crystal ball!

Carlita I agree you should talk to your son. For all the negative points of moving so much there will be positives too. He will have learnt to adapt to new situations and make new friends. Those social skills will stand him in good stead for later life.

As an example: DH and I are very different. He went to 3 primary schools (I think it was 3) and 2 secondary schools (and in the sixth form they let girls and all sorts in so almost like a totally different school again!). He lived in several different places, had divorced parents, step siblings and shared his home with various different boyfriends of his mother's before she moved away and left him living with his brother.

I lived in the same house and went to primary school, then secondary (then I went a bit wild and went to college) and my parents are still together.

DH is the better person and has not suffered in the slightest. I am slightly jealous of his interesting childhood. I had a very boring, suburban existance by comparison.

Your DS will be happy if his family is happy and he feels involved and secure. He is old enough to articulate his feelings so let him do so.

I should add nothing is set in stone atm, it's just 2 (very near offers) in different area's have come in. Neither of which I think we would accept as they are not best for the family

However it has started my mind going down the oh god what if an offer that is really good comes in hence my post and the cogs in my head turning.

I don't want to at the moment even mention it to him until there is something semi firm on the table ( I hope that makes sense)

I think that you did what you had to do. I went to 6 schools myself and it wasn't ideal, but I understood why it was necessary.
I think that at 13yrs you could sit him down with DP and ask him how he feels. Put the facts in front of him. Explain that you would like to hear his views and if possible you will take them into account, but that the economics of jobs etc might have to over ride it.

I moved schools a lot - three primary schools and 4 secondaries. The only move that really caused me problems was the one between 4th and 5th year - right in the middle of my O levels. So if you are going to move again, probably better to do it sooner rather than later. Also, the Scottish and English systems diverge quite a bit in secondary school, so it will be more difficult to switch between the two.

For his sake, once he starts working towards public exams you really need to stay put.

I agree with the public exam part. My father had to live away from home (300 miles away) for a year when I did A'levels and my brother was doing O'levels.We coundn't move once we had started the course.

I think the answer lies in how your son is now.

You have always done your best and you sound like the kind of person who gets on with life and does the best you can.

A lot of people would wilt at the first post ie. a split up or a business failing could depress the best of us and if you had stayed put and felt sorry for yourself your son would have been worse off.

I bet you have taught him how to be a stronger person and I bet he will be a hard working lad - can't have too many of them!!

My parents moved alot. My dad was an arse and flited from job to job just because he was bored and really didn't want to work. He always had fandangle idea's but never ever put any hard work in to make it happen ie - start his own business but really hoping he'd employ folk and they'd do the work for him etc.
Anyway I had 4 different schools and with each move I became more and more shy and withdrawn and lost so much confidence. I blamed the moving schools and towns and starting as the 'new girl' and subsequently the shyness resulted in mild bullying.

Now that im older I realise my lack of confidence came from my parents fighting all the time and my dad being very verbally abusive and even violent at times. It's the home life that matters the most.

If id been more confident and well adjusted id have coped much better with the moves IYSWIM.

Speak to your son and see how he feels. Everyone else's opinons don't matter, good luck.

Thank you all so much for your opinions

I have disgust past moves and stuff with him and he was fairly positive about it all

we will take things slowly slowly and see what he feels