What is a good thing to say to 3 yr old dd when all the others don't want to play with her?

[MaMight]

We have a big group of friends, all with children roughly the age of our children.

When we all get together, dd is the youngest of the big girls. As soon as there is an uneven number, dd is the odd one out and often comes back to tell me that they won't let her play.

They really are close in age, a couple of the 4 yr olds are only a few months older than dd, but they have had the all important birthday and often seem to play games that are "only for 4 and 5 yr olds, no 3 yr olds allowed" - dd isn't 4 until May.

Dd is not whingy or clingy. She really wants to join in, and plays with great gusto when they let her. As far as she is concerned these are her "best friends". The other little girls all like dd too I think. Dd can be a bit boistrous - could this be why do you think? It all stems from a weekend we spent with another family whose 6 yr old invented the "lets leave dd out" game, I think.

My question is, what do I say to dd when one minute they are all playing a lovely game and the next minute she is coming to find me, all confused because suddenly they have decided she isn't allowed to play?

I have advised her to go back and ask them to let her play.

I have advised her to play with some of the other children instead.

We've talked about how it is mean to not let someone play, and she agrees that she wouldn't do it.

I was horribly teased and bullied all through school. I can't bear the thought of dd setting off down that path. How do I help?

3 years old is young to be negotiating large groups of kids. Perhaps you could just see one other child at a time, then she won't be left out and will gain confidence. When the group meets she might be accepted better. Alternatively find her some younger/same age children to play with so she can feel competent and not left out.

Kids always want to play with older children, and the older ones rarely want the younger ones tagging along (I realise she's not much younger etc but from 4yo point of view she is). If I were your dd I wouldn't enjoy these encounters and I wonder if you might opt out for a bit.

Good luck with it anyway.

Poor little thing! I recall being the youngest of a gang of cousins and got on great with them when it was 1:1 but I was always the one left out when there were 3 of more..I agree with Curiouscat, one way round it is to avoid the situations where it happens. Maybe in the next few years there will be more additions to the gang and your DD won't be the littlest.

I don't understand why the other parents aren't stepping in and saying something to their kids about it not being on to leave someone out? Could you talk to them (parents) about it somehow? Having said that though, I know that approach can be tricky from personal experience. I just find it so heart breaking if my DD is left out so I really feel for yours. I certainly don't think older kids should be allowed to get away with 'let's leave so and so out' games though - that's border line bullying in my opinion.

I agree with kittycat. I always try to supervise play with young children and make sure nobody is left out, but it is difficult if you're the only parent doing it.

I sympathise.

My DS gets left out a lot in group situations (he has special needs, so slightly different scenario) but it is heartbreaking.

I'm sure that what JaynieB says is right, though. She won't always be the little one, and will come into her own eventually.

Thanks for replies.

Opting out or avoiding them is not ideal because these people are all our friends. We do see people one on one too, and dd loves playing with the other children one on one. She also really loves playing in a group - when they let her.

I am not sure about more supervision either - I like the fact that as long as they are safe, the children are allowed a bit of independance to play their own games and go exploring. Ar 3, 4 and 5 I'm not sure it would be a good thing to helicopter them. We parents are always around, a shout away.

Can anyone suggest some good things I can say to dd when she comes to tell me that she's not allowed to play?

And perhaps some good things she can say to the other children?

This is not really a bullying situation, or a sustained campaign, it's just little girls playing and being a bit mean. I want to help dd to deal with it and hopefully even solve it, but am not sure how best to do so.

What is a good, healthy strategy to adopt so that dd isn't a doormat or a victim, but has my support and gets to play with her friends?

Other children: "You can't play this game BabyMight because it's only for 4 year olds"
DD: "...?..."

DD: "Mummy, they're not letting me play again"
Me: "...?..."

If I say something to the other mothers, what should I say? How do I word it?

I chatted about it to a friend this morning (not a mother of the 4 yr old girls) and she had not ever noticed it. It is likely that the other mums haven't noticed either.

You know what actually?

These women are my friends. They like me and they like dd. I am going to mention it in a non-confrontational way. Just casually and calmly, and I know they will talk to their daughters and be on the look-out for it happening.

If one of them said my dd was doing it I would be pleased they had told me, and I would speak to dd about it.

Good move.

I know "helicopter parenting" gets a bad rap but sometimes the alternative is a little too Lord of the Flies for me.

They're only little, of course they need parents to intervene when they're being mean.

Could you say to DD ... and perhaps even better if in the presence of the other parents .. something like :

'Babymight, why don't you ask insert parent's name to ask their DC if they could let you play?'

That way, if the parents are turning a blind eye, they have no choice but get roped into action.