struggling

[smokinaces]

I posted this in chat, and was pointed over here so I apologise for the copy and paste job.

Brief history: DH left me and 2 boys (currently 3 and 2) last summer after we lost our house and were rehomed by council. I have struggled with everything since in varying amounts - good days and bad days.

I have tried counselling, had 6 great sessions which helped me emotionally but not much with the kids.

My neighbour came round this evening, saying that she had to say something as the shouting (me) and fighting/screaming (kids) was disturbing her and her daughters. Its mostly 6.30am-7pm, but some nights (about once or twice a month) its between 2 and 6am and I cant cope.

I used to smack, but havent done for a long time (but admit when I lose my temper at 4am I threaten it) I use the naughty chair to a mostly success (gives me and children time to chill out and calm down) I try and do nice things with them, but end up worn down by the incessant fighting/breaking of toys/screaming/ignoring me. I have had behaviour problems with DS2 with severe biting (though today was the first time at nursery in 6 weeks thankfully) and he has health problems too.

They are wonderful DSs, but very hyper and very full on. I work 2 days a week and have some help on 2 other days (and their dad most sundays) but still feel like I'm swimming uphill in treacle.

I adore my kids, but I need help. I dont like the person or the parent I am anymore, I dont like my life, I am really unhappy.

I have tried asking my HV for help, but they are so understaffed I'm still waiting for a call 2 months later. I cant go to Surestart for varying reasons. I looked into Gingerbread but the helpline seems mainly aimed at benefits/entitlement help.

Where can I get some help? Im wondering whether I am now at the point of needing anti-depressants as I wonder whether my reactions to the boys is because I'm not right.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, it sounds like you have z huge amount on your plate though to deal with so it is no wonder you are stressed and loosing you tether.

I can't offer much practical help but would recommend you get hold of a book called How to Talk so Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk, it could offer some practical tips and acvice for dealing with the boys so you don't resort to shouting matches.

I hope things get easier for you.

Your boys are very little still, and they can pick up on you being stressed so this will effect their behaviour.

They are probably feeling very unstable and unsettled in their lives now, which is why they are acting up and giving you a hard time.

Things will get better, or at least they will change, as your boys get older.

I don't have any advice at all, smokin, but I wanted to say well done for not smacking. It sounds like you've had a really hard time, and making that adjustment is pretty huge.

I hope you get the help you need. But please be proud of yourself for that as well.

parentline is really good and may be worth a try.

I would keep ringing the HV if you are still waiting and be as frank with them as you are here - say I'm not coping very well etc. Some areas offer parenting courses which you might find useful, give you some coping strategies.

This age is really hard, mine are 1 and almost 3 and some days I spend all day looking forward to bedtime, even from breakfast. But if you feel that way every day you are not very happy overall and some support sounds like a good idea.

On the plus side, you are asking for help, and you recognise you are not being the mum you want to be at the moment - all really good. Be kind to yourself.

Please call your local branch of Home-start. They will provide practical help for 2-3 hours a week. As well as someone to talk to if you so wish.

To qualify you have to have at least one child under the age of 5 - which you have.

It will be a start.

Wishing you well, it must be extremely hard.

Thanks everyone

I have bookmarked parentline - that is exactly what I was looking for last night, and the 24/7 will be wonderful at 2am, even if I dont use it just to know there is someone there.

I dont know about Homestart - how would that work? What do they do? I admit Wednesdays are my worst day as I have no support at all (family working, friends busy) and just to have someone to help out with the kids for 1-2 hours that day would really ease it. But could they do that?

I saw my GP today too. They were very understanding and have prescribed me escitalopram for depression and anxiety and will see me every fortnight. My manager has also been great and said I can be more flexible in coming in/leaving work to get 1/2 hour to myself when the boys are in nursery.

I took my neighbour some chocolates to apologise, but also some flowers as a thankyou - if it werent for her coming to see me yesterday I wouldnt have admitted I needed help.

Today has been a better day. I managed the 2 hour getting ready for work/nursery without shouting once, and we've been home for nearly 2 hours and I haven't shouted once either. Its hard and I still feel awful, but the not shouting is helping the stress I think.

Thanks for all your responses.