when one wants another child and the other doesnt.

[BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou]

we have two dcs. OH sways between 'no more' and 'in a few years, maybe 7 or 8, we can think about having another'. i think he is fobbing me off and i have told him this.

i have been feeling this more and more since ds2 was born last may. i just dont feel as though i am 'finished'. if that makes sense. OH has known i feel like this and had always said maybe after 7 or 8 years. but more recently as my feelings have become stronger, it seems so have his and he has now said he doesn't want any more. he wants a vasectomy. i have to confess i got quite upset and emotional about it for a few days and after OH confirmed that he didnt want anymore i refused to discuss it because i ended up crying everytime we did.

i have really tried very hard to accept it and really put it out of my mind but i just cant. it hurts, it really hurts. i know i am being really selfish and i have two wonderful children, i am very lucky but i feel as if something has been taken away from me.

OH knows how upset i am but i have told him just to give me time to accept it. he tries to make me feel better by saying we can think about it again in a few years but i know this wont happen. i know he doesnt mean it.

i know i am being silly but i really cant stop feeling like i do and i worry that i will always feel like this and it will always hang over us.

Oh im sorry I feel bad for you I sorta can understand because i was thinkin all along that my husband and i would probably have another baby our yougest is 2 1/2 and we have 11 and 7 are baby is ours together and are other 2 from my first marriage. Well he finally kept making comments about wanting a visectomy and i was pretty mad needles to say. Well about three months went by and i found out before christmas this year i was pregnant he didn't speak to me and pretty much treated me like dirt becasue he was in shock we were taking bc still so it was a surprise, but about a month went by and he calmed down and started becoming happy about it well I just lost are baby last mon at 16 weeks and i have never felt a worse pain in my heart than when i saw my baby perfectly still on that ultrasound. I know that it eats at my husband that he was so mean at first about it especially now, but down the road i think my biggest fear also will be that will he want another one or will he still want the visectomy and even though Im broken up in side and can't go a min without cryin i still can't help but feel i want to try again and i just havent' been at a point were i can talk to him about it. I really hope that he changes his mind or your come to a place where your ok with it otherwise you may look at him everyday with anger over it and thats not a way to live you will be mad at him on the inside and I just hope that maybe he will come around sounds like you are ready now if he said so i hope he comes around for ya i really do.

thank you for that post. it has actually put things into perspective for me. i am being selfish wanting something but there are lots of families that have lost their babies and nothing could ever replace that.

i am so sorry that you have lost your little one. i cannot imagine what you have been through.

i hope i will be able to deal with this because at the minute i am resenting him unfairly. thank you for replying it has halped more than you can know.

Your DH may indeed be 'fobbing you off', but you never know what might happen in the future. One of my closest friends has wanted a second DC since her first was born 6 years ago. Her husband has always been adamant - no more DC. She had finally resigned herself to his decision when suddenly last year he said, You know what, let's do it, let's go for another one. She is pg now. Never thought in a million years he would change his mind. Not saying your DH will do the same, but you honestly never know - maybe he will think about it in a few years, and maybe he will feel differently. Or, maybe you will!

I know it is hard to have perspective on this right now. But try not to give up hope that the both of you will never get over this.

I'm sorry, I don't have much advice for you but I just wanted to say that I don't think you're being selfish at all. Just because there are others out there with a worse situation than yours doesn't mean that your sadness is any less real or unjustified. I have a 9 month-old daughter and desperately want another child. Every Tuesday I'm glued to the telly watching One Born Every Minute and without fail I cry my eyes out every time a new baby is delivered. My DH is a little amused and he refuses to discuss having another baby until our DD is at least 3. I really feel for you and hope that your husband changes his mind!

cinnamonbun i watch that too and cry everytime. i dont think it is helping me though and i think if i am to get over this i will have to avoid this programme and others like it for a while. it is hard though, every time i see a baby or someone who is pregnant i feel a real pang in my chest. hopefully time will help.

I understand DH was happy at 2 but I pushed for 3 then 4 !!!It is not what he wanted but because he loves me so much he let me have another and another so I am very lucky.

However I am totally exhausted trying to look after everyone 10, 8, 41/2,5 months.

I wouldn,t change a thing but I can't help thinking that 3 would of been easier

I wish you well.I was totally obsesed until I had 4, I am now totally done !

did you know once you had your fourth that you wouldnt have any more fidelma?

i have that feeling of just not being finished yet. i dont know if 3 will satisfy this need but i would feel alot better if i knew it was even a possibility.

to be totally honest, i am really gutted. it feels like OH has just taken away something so precious. if he sticks with his decision i will never have any more children and to me that is just incomprehensible at the minute.

we have a 3 year old and a 2 year old and tho we had both said no more, the last few months ive been feeling more and more broody, but i can tell he doesnt want anymore. im so happy with the family we have and i'm not sure how i could cope with anymore, especially at young ages. plus we've moved house and now the nearest hospital with maternity ward (which id need as 1st was a c-section and 2nd born naturally but with breathing difficulties) is about an hours drive away down windy roads. i dont want to want anymore, but the 'need' feels so strong-if that makes sense. my husband is older than me and i dont want our kids to have a 'grandad' for a dad, either. so hard, i feel for all of you

I think its natural to feel "gutted" that your childbearing days are over after one child or 4.

I have two boys, I started later in life and really cant see us ever having another as two mad boys are going to be a handful in years to come anyway. I'm 40 next year so personally I think thats the line.

I do see where you are coming from as I thought I'd always have 3 perhaps a girl at last but I see I am lucky to have remarried and be productive and in producing 2 healthy big boys. But how would we cope? I generally bring the boys up myself as hubby works 7 days a week as self employed. And I am lucky that I am able to put them in private nursery part time, If I need anything I can have it within reason.

I do struggle to cope some days and feel trapped. I am tired now and always multi tasking, rushing, planning and hence we dont get out much.

I think though you do have to discuss the reasons and if he feels fulfilled, managing financially, starting to enjoy life again and having more free time then thats a good enough reason in my eyes. Some men (like my hubby) dont enjoy the newborn stage and shudder at the thought of it again!

Two children has its advantages doesnt it? Can you list them down? Would another child really fulfil you? Would feel the same after that one or is there a gap that needs replacing with more other self satisfying needs?

I think if there was a poll many women would have had more children but sometimes its not feasiable.

Yes I do feel ripped off also had two c-sections which also has left me gutted and emotionally annoyed . I loved being pregnant too and sad that that part of my life has gone. But now I am concentrating on the business, making a brill life for us and a strong sound base for the future.

ps I didnt watch one born every minute for the reason of my two ripped off births and that would of broke me again so in future I would watch anything that messes with yr mind.

bacon, that is a really helpful post. you talk sense.

you are right, two has it's advantages. i have run through in my head why i want another child. OH has asked me to explain it but i just cant. perhaps it is just a case of wanting something because i cant have it. i dont know. i have settled myself over the weekend and decided that i will put this out of my head and concentrate on the family i have and make the most of them. if in a few years i feel the same we will have to discuss it again. but i do feel as though i have accepted it a bit more now. thank you all for your support. it really does help.

I know exactly where you are coming from too, and am really starting to long for a 3rd child even though i know how difficult it would be to cope running around after 3.

I find it hard to accept that one of the biggest decisions in my life is not up to me and i have little control over it.

DH has always said he wanted 3 children and now after 2 sometimes still says this and says he would like an age gap of about 2 years again and then other times says he is unsure if he ever wants anymore.
Of course he is allowed to change his mind, and its not like i want an answer now but i wish he knew how much it causes me to ache inside when he plays around with my emotions even though unintentional.

Its a strange aching/longing pain that i just think men don't feel and therefore don't understand.