2nd/3rd time around - must do better!

[monkey]

dunno if any of you pregnant or hoping-to-be mums have given this much thought, but when we decided to try again, I was full of idealistic hopes about how this baby will be different (or rather, my parenting of this baby).

Not so much the case with number 1, but with number 2 I sort of regret how I handled his babyhood, and hope to be a 'good' mum this time. (during babyhood anyway! I can't say I find babies easy - much prefer them once they've turned 2, so I'm going to try extra hard.

eg, I would get stressed if he didn't nap when I wanted him to during the day. I will try to be more laid back. I will not look at a GF book this time!

I spent most of his babyhood wishing it away (it'll be so much better when he can sit/crawl/walk/talk etc etc. I hope to value each day with my new one.

I would get very frustrated with night wakings. Again, I'll try to chill out.

I'd get very stressed and stroppy with dh, especially when he moaned about being tired, after I'd got up 5 times in the night. This time I'll try to be even nastier! - Gotta let the stress out somewhere I suppose!

Has anyone else thought about this?

I often have regrets about the way I have brought up my 3 children. I don't think I'm a particularly good mum, I can be short of patience and I don't think I pay them enough attention. One thing that I particularly regret is stopping breast feeding my 3rd after only 6 months. She never really took to a bottle and we then found out she had an immune deficiency and I felt that I had really let her down.

I have often thought of having a 4th, just to try and put right the things I got wrong with the other 3. But I don't think thats a good enough reason to have another baby. If I can't cope with 3, how would I cope with 4.

I think that as long as you do your best and you love your baby, then everything will be fine. Good luck.

I know what you mean Monkey. I only have one at the moment, expecting no 2 in October, and I have such plans about how THIS time I really am going to get it all together. Ds was a shock to me and nothing went the way I had expected it to - in the end it passed in an exhausted and somewhat depressed blur. This time I hope to be a lot more laid back and a lot less rigid. I think I was so busy trying to do everything right, that I never took the time to just chill out and enjoy ds - this time I plan to spend long periods doing not very much (hard for me, actually) and just appreciating things.

I know what you mean about babies too - I FAR prefer ds now that I can hold a reasonable conversation and he is not quite so reliant on me for every little thing.

Hi Monkey

Like you DS1 was a depressed blur, couldn't wait to get back to work at 5 and a half months.

Has it been different this time ? DS2 now 24 days old.
The birth was good, unlike last time. Breastfeeding has been difficult again but I am perservering with my own version of mixed feeding.

In many ways it is just as hard and I have been reduced to tears on more than one occasion. But, I have felt love right from the start ( which is very different, last time i would say 3 months passed until I had any real feelings ), you know it is going to pass, DP and I are communicating better.

Mostly though we are not being so hard on ourselves and each other.

PS: Having another one to look after keeps you occupied.

oh dear, we are all so hard on ourselves aren't we? Have to say that although I do have some 'new baby resolutions' about what I'll do differently, mostly my fantasies are that no 2 will somehow miraculously be one of those easy placid babies that sleeps well and is happy just sitting looking at the world....which is a bit silly really as ds was by no means a very difficult baby -probably averagely challenging I would say- and has been really very easy and happy since he hit the six month mark. I don't think I'd swap a dream baby for a nightmare toddler!
But I'm fully expecting that no2 will be such a different person that all the things I learnt the hard way with ds will prove utterly useless. Plus the whole dynamic of dealing with a baby and a toddler will probably make it all totally beyond my control.....

I know where you're coming from Monkey - I'm not expecting no 2 yet but at times I feel like a complete failure to ds, aged 3.3, especially the other day when he came out with "I'm not happy", followed by "I'm a very naughty boy" - I could have cried buckets. I don't think I've ever told him that he was naughty, I just refer to what he has being doing as naughty - I don't know ... I don't think I'm that patient with him, especially at certain times of the month.
Then on the other hand, I tell myself that the above scenario is just 0.1% of ds's life and the other 99.9% is full of love and praise for ds and good times - try not to let the negative thoughts get a hold, you ARE a good mother and just because you are thinking of doing things differently with no. 2 doesn't mean you've done a bad job with no.1, you are just experienced enough to be able to look at things from both sides, whereas before no.1 arrived you maybe had a rosy view of life with a baby, but in reality things are very different (when I say You, I am also meaning Me!). Sorry for the waffle, Monkey, but you will do just fine!

Kaz33 - your post could have been written by me although my ds2 is just a few days older (6weeks today). I like you Monkey wished it away - and frankly the first four weeks especially are so hard I don't think you'll ever enjoy them. I'm also not so very keen on little ones - I much prefer being a mum once they reach 2 ish. But I guess this time round you realise that every stage is just that - a stage and so you don't get quite so uptight about it (although I do have my moments!). - my first smiley face ever, I'm sadly ever so chuffed with it.

Well I have to say that I was on cloud nine for most of the first six weeks - it was hard, but I had kind of expected that. Dh was home for a lot of it, there was Christmas to distract me, and I was so euphoric to have my baby - and fortunately no bf problems apart from the normal constant/frequent feeds. it was the few months after that I found tough - exhaustion kicks in with a vengeance, dh back at work, and baby increasingly sleep resistant but still pretty helpless/boring....not sure what my ideas for doing it better this time are, I guess I'm hoping ds will distract and amuse me, and baby will just have to fit in!

OOh Monkey- felt like this for each of them & failed dismally with all 4. Have often thought I'd like another just to "get it right this time"... but of course, you never do! Real life gets in the way, each child is different (what worked with no 1 doesn't even apply to no 2), & the circumstances of your family/life/routine change with each child.

Yes, honest, I'm not flogging myself or feeling negative - more as elliott put it, miles better than me, feeling positive with 'new baby resolutions'. I had to dig out baby stuff last week, and I felt so excited at the thought of it - if I wasn't pg I would've felt unbearable broody!

That's the thing as well elliott, they ARE all so different - number 2 was so different from numer 1. I found even as early as in hospital, people think you know it all when you're doing it 2nd time round, but it's not true. Ds2 did so many different (& wierd things) I'd never had to deal with before.

Another resolution - I will not buy another new pushchair.

I havent found night wakings so bad 2nd and third times - sed to waking up I suppose. You also have more of an idea that every stage is so transient.

I haven't been aaround for ages, so covering all bases at once. just an update here.
I'm 10 weeks into '3rd time round' and it's been brilliant. we're all very happy, and I seem to have fulfilled my hopes & aspirations for this baby.
Not getting frustrated wioth night waking. Very much laid-back & going with the flow re-naps etc. Enjoying time w. abay & watching the 3 boys together. definitely not wishing time away.

Still, if dh moans about being tired.........

I had forgotten about this thread and what I wrote here. "This time I hope to be a lot more laid back and a lot less rigid. I think I was so busy trying to do everything right, that I never took the time to just chill out and enjoy ds - this time I plan to spend long periods doing not very much (hard for me, actually) and just appreciating things. " Ah well, daughter is only 14 weeks - still time to stop obssessing and chill out.