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Parenting

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Original poster

Parenting without any help from your parents

47 replies

needmoreenergy · 08/03/2010 14:02

I am interested to know what percentage of new parents have no help from their own parents or no help from any family member not just in terms of practical help but also in terms of any understanding / someone they can talk to.
I starting thinking about this in terms of my mum but am thinking more in terms of family members generally just having no clue whatsoever what you are going through and this being reflected not just in behaviour but in a kind of blank wall when/ if you talk about things you are experiencing. Is this a more familiar thing as the generations live in (often) far apart locations and there are more working mums where in the previous generation there were more stay at home mums? Or do most people experience some kind of family support when they start having children?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BabyGiraffes · 09/03/2010 22:06

No family near - either long dead or elderly and abroad... Very strong bond with dd1 via phone and letters and twice yearly visits. But hard on me and dh because we do not have babysitters etc. on tap. On the other hand, feel very very sad for those on this thread who said that although they have family close by, they are about as much use as a chocolate teapot! Also have some friends whose family are over them like a rash with unwanted advice etc. and they complain about that, too.
At least I knew what to let myself in for with no family near or alive, so have no expectations.

cloudedyellow · 09/03/2010 22:23

Thanks mathanxiety...I like your style!
Very impressed at you organising dinner from your hospital bed. What was your mum thinking (or not)! I see what you mean now. Not trying hard enough!! Although, I confess, cooking is not my strong suit either. But your mum obviously loves your dcs.
Your ex mil on the other hand is no loss at all by the sound of it...

So sad at the lack of gp support for so many posters. Thank goodness for mumsnet.

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/03/2010 22:27

we didnt have any help from anywhere - no parents on either side and no help from anywhere else either - god only knows how DH and I are still together!! we are totally self sufficient which has its own benefits i guess. its just us and always has been. at least i have no one to answer to!

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BicycleBelle · 09/03/2010 22:27

Clouded - will you be my mum please? You sound lovely! I haven't spoken to my own mother for 18 months now because she has only 2 modes - criticise or ignore. How I would love a bit of friendly support!

gaelicsheep · 09/03/2010 22:37

No relatives within 300 miles. Not that many friends either as we haven't lived here for long. It's pretty isolating and claustrophobic. We haven't been out together in an evening without DS for 3.5 years (rural area with no babysitters that we know of). But thank God my mum is at the other end of the phone and they do come and visit regularly, even if they don't do anything practical.

DiddleAndGruff · 09/03/2010 22:37

I have practical support from in-laws but absolutely no moral or emotional support as they just don't do that. My mum is dead and my dad is emotionally vacant, suspect he should have some diagnosis of something. I really really miss my mum and the emotional shoulder she could have provided as well as her positive reinforcements. I struggle without it but what can I do, you just have to get on. Personally as grateful as I am for the practical support I would give it up in a heartbeat to have the chance for the other.

herbaceous · 09/03/2010 22:46

I'm going to be a lone voice here, I know, but I'm not sure why everyone expects help from their parents, near or far. It's the parents' own choice to have children, not the grandparents' choice to have grandchildren, and if they don't want to act as unpaid skivvies/babysitters/whatever, there's no reason why they should.

My sis is always moaning about how my very elderly parents don't constantly drop everything and drive 100 miles to see her children, but she's the one who moved way, and they've created their own life where they are, and good on them.

I have never expected any help from any parents or inlaws, as I don't see it as their duty. I'm leaving DS with the MIL one night in May, when he'll be 11 months old, and that's the one and only favour I'll be asking.

BicycleBelle · 09/03/2010 23:01

Herbaceous - easy to say when you have had less than a year of parenting. Wait till you've had 10 plus years and never had a break. Wait till your car brakes down on the way to collect the kids from school. Wait till you are held up at work or have to go in unexpectedly and there is no one to help. Wait till you would really like to take our DH out for an even for his birthday and you just cannot find a baby sitter (despite the fact that I seem to babysit for my friends quite frequently - aaarrrrgh!). Everyone needs a little help sometime!

kickassangel · 09/03/2010 23:17

no family near by, so no help for us, except when I go home to the UK

i wouldn't expect my parents to be regular childminders, but i don't see why they wouldn't volunteer to babysit sometimes, or help out in a crisis if needed (they would, if we were near). i mean, if you have a loving family, they want to help, don't they? my mum would be upset if i needed help & couldn't get it, but equally she would not wish to be in charge too often. when we are on visits, she does offer to babysit for an eve while I/we go out.

dh's parents, however, even if we're staying with them, won't so much as let us go out for an eve (even though dd goes to bed & stays there).

cloudedyellow · 09/03/2010 23:29

Aaah, BicycleBelle

hmc · 09/03/2010 23:33

Are you only interested in the experiences of new parents? - since it doesn't necessarily all slot into place once they are over 5; support would still be nice (if a pipe dream)

We have only one set of surviving grandparents who are too old (upper 70's and 80) and live too far away (270 miles)to provide support.

The only nearby relative is a SIL and her husband - she is childless and chocolate teapot like (God love her) when it comes to kids.

We have a 7 year old and a 5 year old. I mostly parent solo(dh works long hours)

Poohbearsmom · 09/03/2010 23:34

Mumsnet is my only source of support... I have no friends either... And my poor dh did have to miss the birth of our beautiful ds2

sweetkitty · 10/03/2010 11:30

herbaceous - that's fair enough but I think what the majority of parents on here are saying is they don't want on tap childcare every week but just knowing that there is someone they could call on in an emergency like another DCs birth, or a car breaking down/doctors appt etc also someone on the end of the phone or who pops in for a cup of tea that you could have a chat to and lean on from time to time.

Yes Grandparents have done their parenting but where's this sense of extended family? Taking an interest in your grandchildren, wanting to spend time with them etc? I for one hope that my DC go on to have GC and hopefully stay close enough for me to have a good relationship with them, I do not want to be one of these "photo on the wall" grandparents, I want to help out, I want to make my DCs lives easier to benefit them and their children.

My own mother is too lazy to visit as it involves her actually getting off the sofa and on a train (she doesn't work and it a healthy 50yo) what a waste, still her loss.

sarah293 · 10/03/2010 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

herbaceous · 10/03/2010 11:44

I thought the OP was asking about general support, not just in emergencies.

Of course it's lovely, and helpful, for grandparents to take an active interest and to be there all the time, or just for emergencies, but surely it's a bonus, not a right. If the grandparents don't have a sense of extended family, it's not their fault. Maybe their grandparents didn't help them, etc etc. How people react to the birth of other people's children - however they are related - is surely their own business.

None of my grandparents took a great interest in me, and I seem to have survived emotionally intact. Well, apart from not being able to sympathise with this thread!

I'm sure some of it is tied up in our own identity: if our parents don't appear to dote on our children, does that mean they don't love us?

sweetkitty · 10/03/2010 12:31

Part of the thing is when you see how much help other people get (and moan about it) it makes you jealous.

I have a friend whose Mum looks after her DCs two days a week to allow her to work, her Mum also has her disabled brother to look after yet she will travel over to her house at 7am and babysit to 5pm 2 days a week, my friend moans about her Mum not taking her kids at the weekend to give her a break!!!

Like Riven I am jealous of having a large family where everyone mucks in. As a parent I cannot understand why once you are a grandparent you don't want to take a role in your GCs lives.

claricebeansmum · 10/03/2010 12:35

Both sets of parents too far ways for day to day support and help and they seen to have the busiest lives in the world. However, with forward planning we can lure them to look after children and both sets have DC for a week in the summer for a holiday.

But as for childcare for work, babysitting, on tap emergency support - no. We're on our own.

gramercy · 10/03/2010 12:46

I am of people with involved grandparents.

My parents are dead and the in-laws are elderly and have never been interested in the dcs.

It's not just the practical support - you realise that there is no-one, I mean no-one AT ALL, who feels about your dcs the way you and grandparents do. My mum, when she was alive, was interested if I rang to tell her ds had sneezed, and certainly I knew how proud she was of his every (meagre!) accomplishment. "He turned the page of a book? He's a genius!" or "He said "dog"? Ooooh!!"

Now I know there is not a soul in the world who could care less if the dcs achieve anything. In fact I never tell anyone if ds, say, has won something, because I know it sounds like bragging. On the other hand, if there's a problem MN is quite a godsend for those of us without a wise old mum to consult!

sweetkitty · 10/03/2010 13:15

gramercy - yes I think that is it exactly, someone who gets as excited as you if DD1 gets a certificate at school or DD3 cuts a tooth isn't it?

BikeRunSki · 10/03/2010 13:21

WE have no family within 200 miles, and my mum is more like 300 miles away. DS is 18 months. DH's parents don't volunteer advice as they "don;t want to interfere" (tbh I don;t thinki MIL is really that interested in DS) and mum syas "It was all such I longtime ago, I amd no help" or bitches so much about looking after my nephew and nices I darn't ask.

I woudl dearly love some help and support. DS was recently in hopsital for 9 days, which really bought hoem to me how much I miss my family.

And my best frined moved to the other end of the country 4 days before DS was born!

hmc · 10/03/2010 14:18

Oh I am right there with you on the jealously sweetkitty!

mathanxiety · 10/03/2010 17:35

Gramercy, I have always felt that way too. I have 'translated' achievements and sports accomplishments for my mum in advance, so that when the DCs phoned her to chat, she'd know what they were talking about. She's genuinely pleased for them, but needs a little advance prep, because it takes the wind out of a glorious description of a school event or whatever if she has to get the child to explain it first... ExMIL played favourites among the grandchildren on her side -- the DCs would phone her with some news and end up getting an earful about Cousins X and Y and their marvellousness.

BikeRunSki, hope your Dh is better.

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