At wits end with my almost 13 year old!

[Karen1004]

Hi, I'm new here after just finding site and need advice.

My daughter is almost 13 and we are having more arguments than you can imagine. I think she is trying to grow-up too fast and argues that I am being too strict.

Firstly each evening we have the bedtime row. I insist on a 9pm bedtime with her light out on a school night, and before that she has to be in her room by 8.30. She says this is far too early and her friends stay up later. I believe she needs her sleep but she hates it. At weekends she can stay up later but 10 is the latest. Am I being fair and I'm wondering what time others send their 12-15 to bed?

Secondly she now seems to be highly into fashion, and too me she wants to wear things that should only be worn by older teens, and we argue about this as well. I tell her too enjoy her childhood, but to no avail! She wants to wear short skirts, which I won't allow and her latest phase is wanting to wear sheer tights, which has become a huge issue. At school it is ok as she has to wear either socks or opaque/ribbed tights, which I think are fine for her, but out of school she wants sheers and I think she is too young for them, again I'd appreciate any advice. The arguments are tiring me out!!!!!

Karen

She's a teenager and is trying to find her own identity. Could you have a chat to her about the dangers of a short skirt (if she falls over people will see her knickers). There's nothing wrong with sheer tights though, I'd compromise on this, no short skirts and she can wear them?? As for the sleep, try allowing her to go a little later, if she can't wake up in the morning then put it back to the normal time.

She's growing up, she doesn't want to be treated like a child any more so it's best to fight battles that you can win rather then ones that go into stalemate and make you both angry at each other.

My 13yo goes up to bed at the same time as my 9yo, that is between 8.30 and 9, but tbh I do not check on her to see when she turns the light out. At weekends she can stay up later, and in the summer holidays it's pretty well no holds barred. Having said that, my 13yo doesn't usually stay up too late as she knows she needs her sleep; little brother would be more likely to take advantage- but then he's always got by on less sleep.

With tights, she often nicks mine, so they're sheer. I don't have that much input in how she dresses exact that I set the finanical limits (quite tight). But she seems generally quite sensible and I suppose I'm quite laidback.

I do more and more have the feeling that she is growing up and that I'm there to guide and discuss rather than lay down the law.

Well she isn't yet a teenager, she is still 12 for about 6 weeks, so although she is growing up she still is a child and should have boundaries, don't you agree?

I have told her countless times that short skirts can mean that her knickers might be seen, but she doesn't seem to care!! Anyhow I think short skirts are off the menu for her for a while yet. She says it is unfair as her friends wear them, but I see them and they look awful, trying be grown up and looking plain silly.

I've always thought the same with sheer tights on young girls too, hence the reason I'm really loathe to allow her to wear them yet either, am I alone in thinking 12 is too young for sheers or not. I am thinking though of maybe when we go out as a family one day soon, let her try them then with one of her smart outfits, but just not let her wear them whenever she likes yet. Ideally I'd prefer her still in socks or thick thick tights for a while yet! Other opinions would be very welcome.

On the bedtime front, tonight I've had a chat with her and said next week for one night she can stay up to 9.30 to see her she gets on, as long as goes to bed at 9 the other nights without complaint and 10 at the weekend. I do consider that as a compromise. Again do people consider 9 too early for a 12-13 year old on a school night?

I'd say 9pm is fine as long as she's able to get up in the morning without causing you grief.

My son is 13 and it is a near constant battle of wits - not short skirts! - but always wanting to push the boundaries. Compromise and reviewing the boundaries regularly are important, we moved the bed time from 9pm to 9.30pm a few months back on a week night and to his credit he has had no problem waking on a morning, we agreed up front if he struggled to get out of bed for school it would have to be reviewed again. I think it is important to let them know they can start having some input into such things as they get older, it encourages them to talk things over with you if they see you listening and things changing.

On the skirt front, how about shorter skirts ok when worn with thick tights or sheer tights with longer skirts? My son used to insit on wearing his trousers so low you could see almost all of his underpants, looked ridiculous but he saw it as 'fashion'.......nothing would persuade him otherwise, but styles changed as he saw it and he grew out of it within a few months.

My nearly 13 year old DS goes to bed at 9.30 on a school night and around 10.15ish on a Fri/Sat. He can get up on a school morning and does lie in a little on the weekend. I think as they get older you are going to have to relax a bit over bedtime. My 10 year old goes up at 8.30.

I cannot comment on the tight situation having two boys!