The cons and practicalities of bed sharing ?

[LadyMadge]

My 3yo DS likes sleeping in with me from time to time, and I have to admit that I like it too. He sleeps very soundly, but is also very cuddly and it's just nice to wake up to his smiley wee face. I try not to let him bed share too much, generally just when he's ill or had a nightmare and he's pretty easily persuaded back to his own bed the next night.

I am wondering now why it's supposed to be better to have the children in their own bed. Can anyone tell me what the official reasons are for this ?

And on a more practial note, for those who already have a family bed, how do you manage bed times ? Does everyone got to bed at the same time, so do the children go to bed first and the adult(s) creep in later, and does that not lead to children sqabbling ?

It was first dissuaded in Victorian times following concerns about hygeine in slums, and since then in our society independence has been more valued in children, so this is one of the ways that has manifested itself. There is nothing wrong with bedsharing, but most people don't want to be doing it once their children are older, I would guess that TBH the most common reason for this is that you wouldn't want to have sex with a child in the bed next to you, and most adults expect or want to share their bed with a sexual partner at some stage, especially if you are married or live with your partner.

Bedsharing with babies under a year is discouraged mainly because there are a lot of things which make it dangerous, smoking, drinking and some prescription medications for example, and it's easier to say "This is dangerous, don't do it" than to say "Only bedshare if you don't drink/smoke/operate heavy machinery/on a full moon etc etc"

DS is 16 months and I put him to bed in my bed (double bed, with bedside cot) and go up when I want to go to bed and cuddle up beside him. It's lovely and doesn't usually wake him up. I don't know how it would work with more than one child though.

Anti co-sleeping is a western concept, many cultures do so without our sociological hang ups.

In the earlier months, mother and baby tend to synchronise sleep/feed patterns if sleeping together which can be highly beneficial to breastfeeding, bonding ...and sleep! It's also meant to be good for growing DC's sense of stability, self esteem and confidence.

There's no 'official' reason for DC's and parents not to co-sleep, just outdated but ingrained beliefs that children 'have their place'.

Medical views differ. Officially, co-sleeping isn't recommended in certain circumstances (as Bertie mentioned) but I have had no less that four midwives and two health visitors support co-sleeping (4 DC's ).

In one case her reasoning was this- the statistics of cot deaths include incidences of parents sitting up, in a chair, feeding baby at night, dozing off and dropping baby with fatal consequences. In her experience and research, significantly less fatalities occurred from co-sleeping. Interesting?

In my experience, one of my children fell out of bed I woke as my hand shot out and scooped her from mid air . I think our natural state of co-sleeping allowed for the natural development of instinct.

On a different note, I placed one of my DC, at three days old, on the far side of my bed as I felt absolutely exhausted and safer with a little distance between us.
She made her way across the whole bed (king) to snuggle up under my armpit! At which point I woke with ease anyway . Amazing thing nature ...and I've never been so convinced that co-sleeping is right.

Do your co-sleeping children not wriggle and take up all the bed? If not, I wonder if that is because you have co-slept from when they were tiny? Whenever I have had my children in bed with me I have had a terrible night's sleep. When they were tiny because I couldn't relax, now they are bigger (dd still having the occasional nightmare at nine) because there is no room, and in between because they were just so wriggly. But I am not the worlds best sleeper, and sharing with dh is disturbing enough! Also I like to have a good read in bed before going to sleep, which I am guessing would wake up any children in my bed? Finally I would have thought that the chances of a lie in would be zilch with small children in your bed?

The beauty of co-sleeping is that dh can't go on his back and keep me awake all night with his snoring. Unfortunately, my dcs are now getting too old- almost enough to make me broody. But then we were never proper co-sleepers, more of '-I've had a nasty dream/can't sleep, -Oh, get in then'. Reading in bed has never been a problem with them, they don't mind if the light is on all night; it's only dh who whinges if I do that. All in all, I'd do better chucking dh out- but I haven't the heart

Much nicer co-sleeping with a small child than a great galumphin 6 ft snorey twitchy grunty bloke.

Dd and I still co-sleep (she is 6) I always read before going to sleep, she never wakes. Neither of us is particularly wriggly it has to be said (unlike dp, who can quite easily fall out of bed on his own....)

Deborah Jackson's books are the place to start for anyone considering it. I only started when dd was 10 weeks old and we were away from home, but would definitely do it with another child from birth.

Can't think of any cons. Biggest pro would have to be not hearing the snoring from dp (he sleeps in another room, we are like the Royals and when dd was small, the fact that co-sleeping done correctly actually prevents SIDs.

I don't know, if DS has had a late night/is ill then I find I get a lie-in easier, because I just feed him the second he stirs and if he is still tired he will go back to sleep. We got up at 10 this morning.

I also find it makes the mornings more gentle - DS wakes up and grins at me and runs off to cause havoc play with something in the room or wave out of the window etc, and I watch him sleepily and he chatters away to me until he either starts getting grizzly and then I think "I really must go downstairs and make us some breakfast!" or he opens the door and runs down the hallway, and by that time I am awake enough to go and get him.

If I had a partner I think it would be fairly easy for me to get a lie in that way if he picked DS up as soon as he woke and disappeared downstairs with him because I would just go back to sleep - but it probably depends how tired you are and how easily you go back to sleep.

I put DS to bed before me and he is usually horizontal, diagonal or the wrong way round entirely by the time I go up to bed, but when I am there with him he mainly stays in one place. I do wonder if this is because he has been co-sleeping from birth, because he was more wriggly when he was tiny, but he hardly took up any room then - and it was most strange to have him wriggling while cuddled up to me, I used to be half asleep and feel him wriggling against my tummy and think I was still pregnant, then wake up and realise it was him!

We co-slept from 8 weeks until DS stopped BF (at a year+). Our house was freezing, and it was the only way of keeping him warm but not dangerously swaddled. We all slept absolutely fine. It's only since being in his own room that we've had disturbed nights.

But it's an emotive issue - I told my family that we co-slept and they went ballistic. I'm afraid it's coloured my relationship with them because they think I'm some kind of lunatic hippy now.

I co-sleep with DS (2) and have done since he was about 6 months. Before then he was in a moses basket/cot in the same room. I found he woke in the early hrs and then found him still in the bed with me after I'd given him a bf in bed. After that I just gave in and we co-slept.

We have a kingsize bed with a bedside cot. During the week DH tends to sleep next door. He's very late to bed and early to rise for work, with quite a demanding travel schedule atm.

DS2 is due in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'm tempted to get another bedside cot and have him on other side of me. I never really slept with a newborn, so am slightly nervous about that but think a bedside cot might solve the problem.

I generally find it OK. If DS is ill he can get quite demanding and clingy, but he would be like that anyway even if he was in his own room.

LadyMadge, you sound as though you've got a lovely thing going on!

I've never, ever slept with DS. He slept in the Moses basket when he was tiny, then into a cot in his own room. He slept through from 7 weeks and until then, I just sat up in bed to feed him (never mastered feeding lying down) then put him back into the basket/cot.
We've tried bringing him in with us on the odd occasion when he's been ill or teething or otherwise not sleeping but it's never worked. He'd just lie there and wriggle and not sleep...

Must be lovely to snuggle up with a small, sleeping person.

I have two dcs age 2 and 4. The 2 year old has never slept in his own cot. If I ask him where his bed is he points to me . The 4 year old often falls asleep in our bed and then is carried into his own bed - or he falls asleep in his own bed and comes in to our bed during the night. We always wake up with two children in bed. If dp is away I sleep with both kids and it is lovely. I am just happy if we all get a good nights sleep and don't really care how and where we get it. On the practical side of things the boys go to bed at the same time, we read stories in the big bed, lights out and they fall asleep. I get up and go to bed later. As far as sex is concerned - you don't only need to do it in bed between 7 and 9 pm - there are other options. As far as confident, bonded children resulting from co-sleeping I dunno. Think it's more to do with personality.

"But it's an emotive issue - I told my family that we co-slept and they went ballistic. I'm afraid it's coloured my relationship with them because they think I'm some kind of lunatic hippy now."

I second that. My mother frequently goes on at me over it.

Sleep all round is a very emotive issue. I've learned to skirt the subject.

I'm still co-sleeping at 16 months and my daughter spends a lot of that time bobbing on and off the boob. It's difficult sometimes to get out of bed for an early shift (I work three days a week and DH looks after her) but overall it does work for us. Any attempt to move her to another cot or bed has failed and I'm not built with the right constitution for sleep training.

My DD (2) comes into our bed at some point each night, as does DS2(4) frequently. DS1(5) rarely comes in.

There was a study done some years ago which I remember reading, but cannot remember who did it, anyway it basically concluded that children who co slept had lower quantities of the stress hormone cortisol and was actively recommending that children below the age of 5 should co sleep. Probably this was superseded or disproved by another study, but I found it very interesting.

We invested in a super king size bed, but I still end up hanging off the side. It does affect the quality of my sleep but I do so love being snuggled up with my children.

DS sleeps in with us on occasion - he's 1 now, but we didn't do it as a rule when he was under about 6 months (DH was scared of squashing him!). I don't mind it at all, seems perfectly natural to me.

Mind you, one of my work colleagues was telling me about a friend of his who's son left her bed when he went off to uni..... think that may be taking it a little far!!

I co-sleep with my 3 yr old as it feels natural for me.
I'm heavily pregnant so I do go to bed at the same time as him just to get more sleep!
I think I will carry on with us all going to bed together, as I like waking up naturally in the morning and having an hour or so to myself

I think co-sleepin, like breastfeeding was and is looked down upon because it's what poverty stricken people do, and animals!
We've created what I think are less natural ways you show how civilised and sup+erior we are to poor people/animals.
lol

The cons of co-sleeping are clear from some of the posts.

Your partner gets relegated to the spare room. That in itself is wrong.

Bed sharing when dcs are ill distressed whatever totally understandable but opting to do it every night and kicking your dh/dp out v wrong. Also understandable when bf infants. But from toddlerhood it's emotionally advantageous for dcs to sleep in their own rooms in their own beds.

As for all going to bed at the same time, when is there ever any separation?

I personally couldn't stand it. My dcs are absolutely fine in their own rooms. They fall asleep on their own and self-settle throughout the night without being reliant on bf or co-sleeping. They are developing independence and autonomy whist still having strong supportive loving bonds with both parents.

Another con, never separating and needing referral for sleep diffs. Work in CAMHS we have referrals for 8+ year odls all the time because the Mothers are unable or unwilling to separate out abit from their dcs at an appropriate age and more often than not their relationship is falling apart.

Why is it emotionally advantageous for toddlers to sleep alone?
Obviously kids should sleep apart at some point, but when is the question.