I went to a playgroup this morning at my local children's centre with DS (16 months). I go most mornings and know the other mums who go regularly, although everyone is friendly and talks to each other there is a noticeable "split" in the group of two sets of friendship groups, if that makes sense.
This morning, about halfway through the session, someone arrived who I hadn't seen before, with a toddler (about age 2 or 3) and a newborn. The mums in the other group which I am not as friendly with all visibly started to mutter and exchange dark looks, I couldn't really hear what they were saying. The new mum came in and sat down right at the opposite side of the room away from everyone else. I was doing something with DS at the time so I didn't really go and say hello, but one of the mums I am more friendly with did go and have a chat with her.
As the session went on it became clear why the other mums had been muttering etc when she came in - her toddler was doing nothing else but snatching toys from the other children, hitting them, and running into them with toy buggies etc. The mum was sitting there with the baby (who was asleep) ignoring him, which I think was annoying the other parents who kept coming and telling him off or trying to distract him etc. I noticed the other parents distinctly shut her out and try to keep their children away from him. He ran into DS a couple of times very deliberately and hard with a doll's pushchair and I felt very protective towards him, and annoyed at the mum for not doing anything, and a few minutes later she seemed to suddenly decide she was going to do something, grabbed him roughly, told him off and repeatedly slapped his hands until they were red, then let him go - this upset me but he didn't seem bothered by it (which made it worse IMO - it didn't even work!) Everyone kind of looked away pointedly in shock and I stopped feeling annoyed at her and just felt sorry for them both - she could clearly do with some support as I got the impression that she didn't really know what to do and yet she felt she had to come down on him hard to prove a point to other people, all she probably needed was some friendly helpful suggestions and yet all everyone does is shut her out and make her feel unwelcome. She barely spoke as well and I wondered if perhaps she didn't speak English very well - she had a European accent but not sure from which country. I thought it was such a shame for her little boy as everyone thinks he's "just a naughty boy" whereas it's likely that if he has very little structure and haphazard discipline it isn't his fault - much of his behaviour was ordinary toddler behaviour which just wasn't being picked up on at the first stage.
As we were leaving the little boy was running around refusing to put his coat on and she was sort of standing there waving the coat at him. The friend of mine who had gone to chat to her when she first came (she really is lovely) kind of took over a bit and started saying "Look, I've got my coat on, can I see you put yours on? I bet you look lovely in your coat. Do I look nice in mine? Oh I do, thank you! Aren't you a lovely, good boy." etc etc for about five minutes, and eventually managed to get him to put his coat on, happily, and get into his buggy without a fuss. I think this was great and probably just the kind of support the mum needed, so I hope she comes back. I was wanting to help and offer support as well but I didn't really have any practical advice as my DS is so much younger - and I would love to be able to chat to her a bit and make her feel more welcome, but unfortunately it is difficult when her DS is being rough towards mine as I have to step in and prevent it when he is so much younger.
I really hope this doesn't come across patronising and I wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation (on either side) and could offer me any suggestions for anything I could do which might help?