Hello,
Without having to go into too much detail(it's already going to be ridiculously long), I haven't had a relationship with my father, pretty much ever. He was in and out of my life when I was a child up until the age of around 13, when he just stopped seeing us altogether (me and my sister). He had his own family with another woman (my 2 brothers) and when she had an affair all kinds of things happened; lots of manipulation of children against my dad by my stepmum etc etc. Adults being really mean to each other.
Stepmum divorced my dad and married the guy she had an affair with and they had a child, moved into a house together, lived happily ever after, changed my brothers names to her new husbands last name. Lots of things happened where my stepmum was really nasty to my little sister,thus we stayed away from her too - initially we had a good relationship with stepmum due to the fact we wanted to keep in touch with our brothers.
It just got really toxic however, so we stayed away. Stepmum is really manipulative and it was just better to not get involved. Plus we were only teenagers at the time - couldn't compete on her level of evil!
When I fell pregnant I decided not to have anything to do with any of them - was sad that my brothers weren't involved, but reckoned that in time they might be - they are only young yet and it would be easier to explain when they were older, and away from stepmum. Plus was worried that stepmum had poisoned them against us, as she had done with my brothers to our dad. Was convinced I would never let my son be subject to any of the rubbish that me and my sis had to go through (it emotionally scarred us in so many ways - my sister especially). My dad has had lots and lots of chances to patch it up with us over the years, all at my sister and I's cost - he always promises that this time he has changed etc etc but then we never see him again. I've invested so much in it over the years that when my son was born I decided just to bury it and move on. SO I did - I got married and my husband and I were happily building a life for ourselves without this shadow hanging over me as it has for so long now.
Was my brother's 18th at the weekend and my sis and I were invited after having got back in touch with brothers over the last few weeks, which has been really nice - we just see them and not the adults that messed it up for us. It's been great.
Thing is, my dad and stepmum have miraculously made up, thus he was at my brother's 18th. Which was awkward as hell.
I thought he might be there, so I had braced myself, and as usual he was full of "please can we see each other again" blah blah blah.
He also looked really rough - I mean he is only 48, but he looked about 58, seriously. He also told my husband in great detail about his depression (my hubby is a support worker for people with depression).
I suppose I felt bad for him - after all we all make mistakes.
He asked me for this last chance and tbh if I didn't have a baby, I would have told him to sod off - I was really perfectly happy living my life. I don't need that hanging over me - he walked away a lot and knew what he was walking away from. ANd finally I feel strong enough to tell him to sod off!
But, perhaps stupidly, I agreed to let him see my son.
With a view to this being the ABSOLUTE last chance. My reasoning is that if he cocks it up this time, that is IT. And ds will be too young to remember.
So we arranged to meet this Wed at a park so he can see ds playing. It's all on my terms.
TThing is I am feeling really awful about iit - I'm doing it for my son - not me - I am done with him. Seriously done. But I really do not want him in my son's life. He isn't this sweet little guy who has made a dozy mistake, he is devoid of compassion. He is utterly selfish. He is a pretty dodgy guy too - always doing stuff he shouldn't. He's a heavy drinker. He is a bad influence. I would never never trust him to look after ds - that goes without saying.
I am pretty much filled with dread about this Wed. I had moved on with my life, I was getting it all together. My son has nothing but good influences in his life and now I feel like I have failed and the toxic is creeping in.
Urgh.
Anyone got any advice/been in a similar situation? My gut feeling is not good.