Helping an anxious 9 y/o

[Bleenherbe]

I wonder if anyone has any thoughst how to help a miserable 9 y/o boy? He is very upset about his friends - convinced they are leaving him out of things etc The fact that he is being so needy seems to be making things worse. He is generally moany and feels sorry for himself much of the time. He does have friends and takes part in lots of activities. I have chatted with him endlessly but wonder if anyone had any particular thoughts about how to make him feel cheerier?

One of my DD's is like this. After months of trying everything, I've found the best approach is to adopt an over cheery attitude myself - it seems to be infectious. Also when she's in a really long negative whine, I suddenly have lots of jobs to do that she has to help me with and I distract her that way. I found talking to her about it made her feel even sorrier for herself, so now I'll only discuss friends and stuff with her if there is a specific issue. She's been a lot happier recently.

Thank you FernieB, I think there may well be a "wallowing" issue going on. I might try the resolute cheeriness approach and see if ti helps, certainly analysing the problems does not seem to be working...

Hi Bleenherbe, hope I'm not jumping on here but I was looking for threads with info about 9 year olds. My DD has started showing what I can only describe as teenage behaviour, or so I thought. She's quite moody at times, critical over silly things and argumentative with me. The past couple of weeks I've been tearing my hair out and wondering if it was something to do with the fact that she hasn't seen her Dad for several months. Another story! Anyway, I did a bit of research online and it seems that 9 is very much an age when children are making a big transition and so much of her behaviour is very normal for this age. So if you do a bit of Google-ing, you might find some tips and some information that will help you understand his behaviour, which will give you the skills to deal with it and hopefully help him. If anyone else has any experience of changes in their 9 year olds, I'd love to hear about them.

Granard - I have twin 9 year old DD's and they are both acting like your DD so must be normal or else we're both doing the same thing wrong!

I've also done some research and I agree - 9 seems to be when the hormones start to kick in and our lovely cheery daughters turn into moody pre-teens. The tantrums of the terrible 2's don't seem so bad now!

FernieB, I thought one was bad but 2! It is a rollercoaster because, one minute, she's still very child-like and still wants cuddles etc and the next she's got this attitude and it takes all my strength to walk away and not get into another logger heads situation with her. I think it must be an age where they're questioning why they have to do something, just because you tell them to. The many challenges of parenthood eh?!

I've got twin 8 yr old DSs and both - in their different ways - are pre-teen-like already. They huff and moan or outright refuse to do what I ask. They use bad-language and make awful rude jokes.

The next minute, they're curling up against me, telling me I'm the best Mummy in the world and being all cute and babyish again! It's a surreal life! I never know what to expect.

One is v v sensitive about friendships and gets extremely upset if a friend has rowed with him. I torture myself trying to work out what to say and how to help and then the next day it's all over and done with and I feel foolish to have worried!

What I notice is I can vastly influence how they are depending on the mood I'm in and if I'm feeling bright and happy, they behave much better and happier themselves....It's how to keep cultivating that state inside myself that's the real challenge, as I think I'm going to be menopausal when they really hit their teens, which should be great fun - not!

Yes, my DS1 is prone to wallowing. I put it down to me having been very encouraging about him sharing his emotions. That came back to bite me on the bum .....

On a more serious note. Don't dismiss out of hand his complaints about his friends. DS1 used to moan vaguely about a couple of boys in his "gang". It' wasn't until a accompanied them on a trip and saw one of them in action that I realised that this boy was being bullying to DS and others.

If at 9 they're all going through this, then it follows that some of them may be taking out on others.

This isn't the whole story, I know, because all that is sorted now, but DS1 is still negative (he told me he was "depressed" yesterday, which is not nice to hear.

I agree with advice - to listen, but then distract and try to be positive yourself

Agree with Solo too - it's a worry, isn't it ?

Hi i have a son who is 8yrs oldand his moving school because he's uuhappy and friends seems to gang up on him ( he's partly to blame sometimes).I wouldnt say he's easy to deal with at home but he had got very good qualities. He's good hearted and funny. But the issue here is, I'm not sure how to advice him on bullies.Just walk away? He would do the opposite! And make more enermies. I have tried talking to his form teacher and frankly i havent got a good helping responds either.(reason for move of school) I have no idea how to make him understand that he will always get that one boy that would be unkind and that he should deal with it. Any ideas or same experience to share?

There's a good book called

"Bullies, Bigmouths, and So-called friends" I'd recommend. It's written for children of around 9 and up, I'd say, but I think you'd find it useful to read yourself, to get your head around how to help him.

hellokitty