Failing as a mother

[Woteap]

Hi - don't normally post but feeling like I need some practical advice! I had a well paid City career before having DS 5 months ago and planned to take a year out. It took a while for us to decide to try for a baby but eventually I came round to the idea. No problems conceiving or with pregnancy. DS is a big baby (98th percentile), cried LOTS, so much so we've had several trips to doc to check out reflux etc. but no physical issues. I had issues bf him but after help from a bf counsellor managed to ebf for 4mths. Recently I started weaning on advice from my doc as he had stopped feeding as well on the boob so guess I always had low milk supply. But now DS is spitting out his food, crying in the chair, crying when I put him to the boob, rejecting bottles and sippy cups. I feel like a total failure as a mother - I can't even feed him properly - and am worried I am not bonding with him. I know the first few months are the hardest but I've been feeling this way for a while. DH tells me I'm doing a great job and I'm holding it together but I just don't feel any joy in this and don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't think I have PND, I'm just finding it hard to cope with the lack of control and predictability. I love DS dearly, I just don't want to be with him all the time and he probably feels the same (he's a pretty independent little chap). On the other hand, even though I think I will want to return to work earlier than 1 year, I don't miss being at work that much so am feeling like I'm going through some kind of midlife crisis - ie what am I really here for? Anyone else feel like this, any advice on how you work through it?

Sounds like you are doing a great job to me. As long as he's growing well and your health visitor is happy with his progress you've got nothing to worry about. I had two very sicky babies - who both reluxed for England. But it does get better in time. I think you are probably exhausted - I was the same - I didn't really enjoy my babies properly until they slept through and I was feeling vaguely human again (after about 12 months or so).

My advice is take opportunities to go out with your friends and partner so that not everything is about motherhood.

I enjoyed going back to work part-time when DS was 9 months old - it felt good wearing a different hat for 18hrs a week.

Not sure if this is any help at all. Good luck.

First of all you are NOT failing as a mother. Looking after a baby is difficult, especially when you bare face with a baby that is unsettled, struggle with bf etc... You also have changed yur life a lot from the city to being at home all day and this is not an eassy transition.

Second, I wouldn't rule out PND from your post.

Third, I would double check that he doesn't have any allergy that could explain his behaviour on food. Have you had a chat with your GP about that?

Other people will probably come with a lot of other advice.

I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time. I remember feeling totally out of control with DD1. A wise woman once told me that you just have to be a 'good enough' mother. You don't have to be perfect all the time. I found it easier just to accept that my life was going into free fall for the first six months. It's a total shock to the system having a baby. Especially if you've been used to a regimented life where you can do what you want when you want.

Have you be able to get out to any playgroups/NCT meet ups/M&B groups? It really helps to speak to other mums with young babies as you find out you're not the only one that finds it hard. Could you maybe get a Mothers Help to come in a couple of days a week to give you some time off?

You are not a failure.

Just off the top of my head have you tried:

Cranial osteopath for the crying?
Feeding in bouncy chair rather than hi chair?
Getting DH to give him a bottle?
Get you mum to come and help for a few days?
Does he like his formula? Have you thought of switching brands to see whether that helps? Or maybe switching bottles if he won't drink from the ones you've got?
Have you got the right sized teat on the bottle?
What food are you weaning him on? All my DD's hated baby rice and went striaght to pureed veg and fruit.
Are you sure he's ready for food? Could you try hugry baby milk instead for a couple of weeks?

It is just a phase. And I promise you it does get better. 3 DD's down the line I still have weeks where I feel as if I'm the worst mother alive. Just try and give yourself a break. Easier said than done I know, but your DS is well cared for, loved, fed and clothed. And the fact that you want to get advice means that you do care about him.

Come back on if you've got any other questions. Not sure if this has helped, but didn't want your post to go unanswered. xxx

Woteap Hugs to you! It's so difficult to be a first-time mum. And some babies are just difficult by nature. I remember when DS1 was a baby, motherhood was completely NOT what I expected. He was a screamy and grumpy baby and I did not enjoy him at all in the first 6 months. I also had difficulty BF-ing and struggled big-time with giving up BF-ing. Most days, I didn't get dressed, I was in tears as nothing I did could stop DS1 crying.

I started to enjoy DS1 a lot more from about 8/9 months onwards. Once he got more independent, crawling etc, he got much happier. At 2 now, he is still prone to grumpiness but most of the time he is a really happy toddler who is very advanced for his age, has a great sense of humour and fiercely independent. So things will get better! I went back to work when DS1 was 11 months old and I loved going back to work. Just being able to enjoy a hot cup of tea was such a luxury... And DS1 loves going to nursery now, so much so that we have kept him in there 3 days a week though I am on maternity leave now.

Yes, I went on to have DS2 who is the complete opposite of DS1. DS2 is the most chilled, happiest and calm baby you have ever met. Everyone comments on how different he is to DS1.

Don't stress too much about the food issue. I thought once I weaned DS1, things will be a lot easier. I didn't realise weaning was such hard work. DS1 is now very healthy and eats most things (except vegetables ) and he still has days where he will eat next to nothing and days where he will gobble up everything in sight. Being a mother the first time is really hard, I second what the other posters have said, get a babysitter and go out and spend some time out of 'baby world'. I refused to leave DS1 with anyone till he was almost 1 and I really regret that in a way as my relationship with DH really suffered in that time.

Best of luck!

Woteap I found my maternity leave very difficult. I went back to work 3 days a week when my DS was 8 months old. I was lucky that I could afford to gradually settle him into nursery over the previous 1 month.

I used that time as some time for me to get my head together.

Can you afford any childcare? If you are planning to use a nursery then you could start off with a 1/2 day per week maybe?

Don't worry about labels of "PND". You are recognising that you are not quite happy with how you are at the moment.

I think it is so normal and Mumsnet is definitely the place for you to be to find that you are not alone and lots of other people have struggled with similar thoughts.

Some suggestions for you would be:

Listen to this.

Have a read of this.

Look into Baby Led Weaning - this book.

Have a think about some activities you could do with your DS.

Do you know about treasure baskets? Or see this book.

I also like all the ideas from here.

Do you have a sling or a hipseat? I used to like taking my DS to the shops on the hipseat and it was a lovely way of feeling more connected with him.

I also second the idea of osteopathy. Even if just to get to talk to someone who is interested in your DS and his development. GPs just don't have the time to talk about general development and temperament etc.

The osteopathy can be very good for feeding problems. (I believe it helped my DS with reflux problems).

BTW - well done on ebf for 4 months. There is a whole world of "feeding guilt" out there on the www if you look for it!

Try out some of the suggestions on this thread and take on board what people are saying about it being so much easier when they get to even about 9 months old.

Its perfectly normal to feel like this, particularly as you have been used to s demanding career where you are in control. Unfortunately children can't be controlled, they're not robots and this is a lesson that I am still learning and I've got 2 boys, 2 & 4! I like everything to be in order, want everything to run smoothly, don't like having attention drawn to me; but you can guarantee whenever I take them anywhere one of them will play up or act in a way I wish they wouldn't or do something to show me up. I still find it very hard. You are still adjusting to being a mum and making the transition from working to being at home all the time and it will take time. You may even feel as though you want to go back to work part time (if thats possible) and have the best of both worlds. A lot of women aren't cut out for staying at home, but in our society, the responsibility more often than not, falls on the woman to take care of childcare, while the man carries on going to work like nothing has happened!

You say your baby was a big baby could it be that he is hungry and not easily satisfied? He could even have started teething and be in discomfort? Both of mine went off their bottles wehn teething so I used to rub their gums with bonjela a few mins before they had their bottles, to soothe their gums first.

Thanks everybody for all your lovely posts! It's good to hear that it does get easier. I fully expected being a mother was going to be hard but it is SUCH a shock to the system - the exhaustion, expectations, the sheer drudgery, lack of independence/freedom and to top it off colleagues/friends saying "enjoy your mat leave!" as if it were a year long holiday :-)
zozzle/Angel - I'm going to definitely look into a babysitter even if it's just for a few hours during the day when he naps so DH and I can go get lunch together. We'll probably end up talking obsessively about DS but at least it will be time away from the baby monitor! I've jsut realised I haven't been physically apart from him for more than 2hrs since he was born.
Wolverine-we tried cranial osteopathy for his "colic" in the early days, not sure if it made a difference but he did calm down a bit around 8weeks. I've given up on HV and docs - they just don't have the time to talk about anything that isn't a medical emergency (cannot blame them) I'm feeding him homecooked fruit and veg purees, sometimes with a bit of baby rice mixed in. Usually 1 cube for brekkie, 1 for lunch and 1-2 for dinner. He tends to razz it out but if I persist (and he doens't start crying hysterically), he will normally eat it - just feels like I'm force feeding him though, it's not a pleasurable experience. He rejects everything in a bottle, ebm, formula, warmed, not warmed, given by DH or by me, different bottles/teats. The weird thing is we gave him a bottle of ebm every night from when he was born up til when he started sleeping beyond 2am at about 12 weeks.
Tabouleh-thanks so much for those links, will follow up on them. Love the idea of the treasurebox - think one of the reasons DS cries so much is he's quite advanced for his age and he's just frustrated at not being able to do things for himself.
Thanks v much again for all the advice.