my 12 year old son cant accept my relationship

[sez2068]

hi well i am new to this but so badly need help so please excuse me if i get this all wrong!
i am 41 andhave 2 kids daughter 10 and son 12. my marriage broke up 2 years ago cos my husband alcoholic emotionally abusive and mostly cos addicted to porn texting women for sex talk posting details on singles sites etc well i put up with it for years but, enough! and mea culpa but i did quickly become involved with a bf from years back whose marriage also broken up and well ok we are in love. he is a good man, good to me.
i promise i have done everything to make this transition good. i pretend to the kids that me and my ex are friends and i am forgiving. obviously we werent suited and i welcome him to stay at xmas, we have had days out together, i never let kids see animosity i talk well of him to them and access is easy. he lives with a new much younger woman and sees kids regularly. recentlt we all of us, new partners etc even had dinner togeher with kids. i never forced my new relationship on them it was a long long time before they even saw us hold hands. he almost never stays over. i stress how mych we and their dad love them.
my bf has 3 children and i realise that this is a problem for my son. sharing etc. we took them all on holiday and my son wasnt happy.though the two families had separate chalets. i always make sure i spend time with my kids without him also. this is a brief background i guess.
my son is more accepting of his dads gf. recently he was really quite freindly with my bf but omg, one awful night he stayed and hours after kids all in bed me and bf were very very quietly having sex lights off etc and my son burst in turned on the light and tried to pull covers off us. ever since then he has hated my bf. he thinks what was going on was disgusting. i can see that to him it was but he says it ok for his dad but not me.
he now comes in the room all the time when my bf stays over - which has only been a cuple times since but we feel that we need to get him used to it. he says he never will. that if we get married he wont go (no plans as yet!)that he hates him. buti know that he didnt and dont believe he truly does. my bf is v kind to him btw and we stress he not replace his dad.
he says he cant and wont sleep if he is there. he texts my bf from his room to tell him this when he here.
he is massively screwed up about the idea of this being a sexual relationship. he says it is pervy. cos i his mum and in my 40s.
i adore my son and have always been v close to him and i accept have over indulged him.he still says he loves me all the time but too much and is so clingy now. he is trult obsessed, asks all the time will bf stay over, and is quite controlling, hates ne even going to gym or wearing make up.
the thing is, do i end this relationship for my sons sake or persevere? do you think it is right to give up yourown life for your kids? i mean how can i be happy if he isnt, or how do i make him see it can be ok?
god this is rambling and there is so much more to this but maybe this is a start.
anyone had a similar situation and coped? would appreciate any advice and would just stress i have tried so hard, so hard to do all the right things! thankyou for reading x

oh i should add that my daughter loves my bf and has coped very well withall of this, loves his kids and very easily sees her dad and enjoys that time and then comes home and gets on with things. this makes me feel that it is not a question of me dealing with the seperation badly re the kids but rather down to their individual natures, age etc - my son being on the cusp of puberty and dealing with idea of sex doesnt help him, i do see that

I'm sorry, please could you re-post with some punctuation - your post is very difficult to read.

sorry i wrote it very late at night and i would repost if i knew how! oh dear will try x

By sez2068 Mon 01-Mar-10 00:18:50

hi well i am new to this but so badly need help so please excuse me if i get this all wrong!

I am 41 and have 2 kids. Daughter 10 and son 12. My marriage broke up 2 years ago cos my husband was alcoholic, emotionally abusive and mostly cos addicted to porn - texting women for sex talk, posting details on singles sites etc.

Well i put up with it for years but, enough! and mea culpa but I did quickly become involved with a bf from years back, whose marriage was also broken up, and well ok we are in love. He is a good man, good to me.

I promise I have done everything to make this transition good. I pretend to the kids that me and my ex are friends and I am forgiving.

Obviously we weren't suited and I welcome him to stay at xmas, we have had days out together. I never let kids see animosity - i talk well of him to them and access is easy.

He lives with a new much younger woman and sees kids regularly. Recently, we (all of us, new partners etc), even had dinner together with kids.

I never forced my new relationship on them - it was a long long time before they even saw us hold hands. He almost never stays over. I stress how much we and their dad love them.

My bf has 3 children and I realise that this is a problem for my son e.g. sharing etc. We took them all on holiday and my son wasn't happy, although the two families had separate chalets. I always make sure i spend time with my kids without him as well. This is a brief background i guess.

My son is more accepting of his dads gf. Recently he was really quite friendly with my bf, but omg, one awful night he stayed and hours after kids were all in bed me and bf were very very quietly having sex (lights off etc) and my son burst in turned on the light and tried to pull covers off us.

Ever since then he has hated my bf. He thinks what was going on was disgusting. I can see that to him it was, but he says it is ok for his dad but not for me.

He now comes in the room all the time when my bf stays over - which has only been a couple times since, but we feel that we need to get him used to it. He says he never will, that if we get married he wont go (no plans as yet!)that he hates him. but I know that he didn't and don't believe he truly does.

My bf is very kind to him, btw and we stress he is not a replacement for his dad.

He (my son) says he can't and won't sleep if he (my bf) is there. He texts my bf from his room to tell him this when he here.

He (my son) is massively screwed up about the idea of this being a sexual relationship. He says it is pervy, cos I am his mum and in my 40s.

I adore my son and have always been v close to him and I accept have over indulged him. He still says he loves me all the time but too much and is so clingy now. He is truly obsessed, and asks all the time will bf stay over. He is quite controlling and hates me even going to gym or wearing make up.

The thing is, do I end this relationship for my sons sake or persevere? Do you think it is right to give up your own life for your kids? I mean how can I be happy if he isn't? Or how do i make him see it can be ok?

God this is rambling and there is so much more to this but maybe this is a start.

Anyone had a similar situation and coped? I would appreciate any advice and would just stress i have tried so hard, so hard to do all the right things!

Thankyou for reading x

(HTH)

omg omg i just logged on to redo my post and thankyou so much i cany believe you have been so kind!!!!! thankyou thankyou for redoing that.
yes lol it does read much easier like that.

i will try harder next time

now i just need some advice..please!

i am so hoping someone may have been in a similar situation.

just looked up hth!! and yes it did help!

i will get the hang of this eventually if i dont go mad first,..

It sounds like he is simply finding it much harder to adjust to than your DD, if you and your DS have a very close relationship as I do with mine he will no doubt feel very threatened by this new guy.

I think you need to be very kind and patient with him, but at the same time, firm, and clear about boundaries. Stressing perhaps that you won't accept barging into rooms without knocking, rudeness, shirty texts, etc from anyone - some general house rules that adults and kids all live by. Basically love him and show him how much you care for him but without him ruling you. Do they stay overnight at their dad's?

Do you have 1:1 time with both your children? Perhaps if you and their dad are amicable you could arrange something like this once a week where you both have a bit of bonding time with just one child, alternating it so they take turns having quality time with mum and dad?

And no. I would not end the relationship. It sounds like he is a good guy and all adults involved are making an effort to think of the childre involved, they will all adjust and feel secure again eventually if handled right. At the end of the day you have to have a life too.

I know this sounds daft but does your DS know how much you love him? A lot of children worry you will stop loving them as you have done their dad, not grasping the sheer strength of maternal love. I felt like this slightly as a child and my DS definately has done. Reminding him how much I loved him and always will has defiantely eased some of his anxieties. It may also help to remind yourself when your DS is angry, that anger usually stems from fear.

thankyou, asilver lining. that was helpful. i am fearful of a barrage of - give up this man!!

cos i can see that if i do that one day i am just going to be on my own - not so very long till my children start making their own lives. only 5 mins ago they were in a buggy it seems.

and yes he is a good and kind man and loves my children and being so good about all this, does whatever i think best and never pushes for more. we both want what best for the children.

yes i do make time for both children separate and together without my partner.

eg my DS had a non pupil day at school and we went out together and had lunch and did stuff he likes. and we read together at the end of the day so he can see i am not putting my partner first.

i try to spend a lot of time just with my DS.trouble is he is always keen to just want to talk about how much he dislikes my partner now!

i also tell him all the time how much i love him and that noone will ever be more important to me than him and my DD.

trouble is in his mind how does he reconcile that with therefore not giving up my partner for him?!

he is clearly super jealous of anything that i do without him - gym, work, going out. he has very few boundaries.

i told him he had to knock before he comes into my room so now he knocks but then comes straight in! he and my DD have always treated my room as their territory and that was fine when they were much smaller but not so easy now.

my DS still comes and gets into my bed in the morning and i think he should stop that now really but he will just see that as being to do with my partner (who is not there in the morning, but stil..)

their dad lives in london and works long hours we are a 40 min train ride away so weekdays not possible for my children to see him but we are flexible and easy about weekends and they stay pretty regularly.if they dont stay then he comes and sees them for a day.

my DS doesnt like, but accepts, that his dad has a gf. his dad had a chat with him at weekend about all this and my DS response was, it ok for him but i am his mum - so, not ok.

we have so far managed to stay in same house, same school (they will always stay at this school so no fear there) - so in most respects my DS and DD lives have been unchanged. so it is just this very fundamental change i guess.

his biggest fear is that i have a sexual relationship.bloody schools and society give kids too much info before they mature enough to handle it (but that another problem!)

he says he keeps himself awake till he can hear that my bf has left - this is not healthy for him. i dont know how to make him see that grwon ups loving each other is ok and no threat to him. and NOT disgusting! and that he doesnt really need to be even thinking about it.

i dont know whether to persist with my bf staying over so he gets used to it - or stop. and it not just about wanting a sex life - sometimes i just want to be normal and go to sleep next to the ,man i love!!

gone on too long again, oops

but thanks

"he is clearly super jealous of anything that i do without him - gym, work, going out. he has very few boundaries."

It seems to me the problem is not just about your new man here.

er i didnt mean that i dont set boundaries! :}

he has always been a good kid, school prefect etc, polite blah blah..

just that he is i think hitting that teenage thing a little early in some respects ie challenging..on top of all the other stuff

just wanted to clarify that!

basically i think he is now v insecure and that stems from the new relationship.

Sorry if my last message seemed a bit short and sharp, I typed it before rushing out the door. I am not saying you don't have any boundaries, just that you need to keep making them clear. For example the bursting in your room, he is now knocking then bursting in before waiting for a response so still not ideal, he is still pushing the boundaries you have put in place.

As I said just hang in there, it's great your new man is patient too, good luck with it all.

My (male) friend went through a similar experience to your DS. His parents had a very nasty divorce when he was 9. When he was 14/15 his mum married her boyfriend. Before the wedding, my friend adored the BF - thought he was fantastic and was really excited about the wedding.

However, once BF moved in everything changed. My friend found it very difficult to no longer be the "man of the house". He was the eldest son and I think he'd gotten used to being the one who got rid of spiders / lift heavy objects etc. I think he felt lost and didn't know what his role was.

Maybe your DS is experiencing something similar? He sounds very protective of you and maybe he resents somebody else coming into his life and taking care of you?

Please talk to him and find a solution together. My friend deteriorated into self-harm and drink/drugs - he just didn't know who he was anymore.

Good luck

oh eek deteriorating into drink/self harm etc is just what i am most afraid of! but i am hoping to avoid that if its dealt with well. but that is my biggest fear. cos how worth it is any relationship if it ends up having that effect. well thats got me more worried!

and my DS solution would be that i am on my own forever and how practical is that?!

and asilverlining no problem i didnt see it as sharp and you are right he does still keep pushing. thanks for reply.

my ex texted this morning to say that we should, the 4 of us, take kids out for tea for mothers day.

i dont know if that hekps my DS or just makes it worse.

god why is there no manual for these things!

Didn't mean to scare you sez, just to tell you my experience.

I think you do need to talk to your DS away from everyone. You say his solution is for you never to have a relationship ever, but try talking to him logically and ask what he doesn't like about it?

Try to work out a compromise with him.

Haven't got much more advice but I don't think just dropping your boyfriend wil solve the problem. I'm not 100% sure that the boyfriend is the root of the problem. If you drop your BF, then your son may start acting out about something else and you'll be back to square one.

It may well be puberty - and everything changing, so he is trying to control certain parts of his life (e.g. what his mum does and who his mum sees). He needs to understand that you are a human being too and he cannot control your life.

thankyou yes i dont think dropping my bf will help realistically he certainly will act up about something else, what kid doesnt and then i will think, what was the point of that then!

i do talk to him logically but he just says, i just dont like it - in kevin the teenager tones

well anyway i will just plod on with it

and no worries i am not too scared - i reminded myself that i had a friend at school who had the same 'normal' two parent upbringing i did and still ended up on heroin in a squat in her 20's- some things you cant predict or control and thats life i guess

but thanks again