My daughter is too hard on herself...what can I do?! (long sorry)

[3GirlsMum]

I wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation. My 9 year old daughter is so hard on herself, she hates to fail at anything. I have just been in to see her teacher who tells me that my daughter feels that she has to finish first in class tests and that as a result the work is rushed and she has not done to the best of her ability. She is classed as above average in all her lessons and we have recently had problems of an anxiety nature with her.

For several months she didnt want to get to school and was actually experiencing anxiety attacks as a result. These then increased and she no longer wanted to go to Brownies or sleep at friends house as she said she was missing me too much. I contacted the school nurse and she arranged an appointment with primary mental health. He told me that my daughter is a very intelligent little girl with an old head on her shoulders (she is the firstborn with two sisters aged 6 and 1).

Neither I or my husband have ever pushed her with her work we have always encouraged our children with their schoolwork but have told that both that no matter how they do we will always be proud of them. Daughter no 2 is a completely different kettle of fish and very laid back about things.

I have sat down with DD1 and told her that being top table and coming first at things is not the most important thing. That I want her to enjoy school as well being their to learn.

Any advice on this would be much appreciated. I should add that her anxiety problems have substantially improved now and she is a lot more confident again however still striving to be NO 1 all the time.

Thanks for reading.

You could be describing me when I was 9! (not partyicularly the having to finish first bit, but I did invest almost all my self-confidence in my performance at school).

I don't have any experience of this as a parent, but years of introspection have led me to the conclusion that my problem then was to do with confidence - particularly social confidence. At that age I had several "friends" who would delight in tormenting me and others and I simply couldn't deal with it (I also had anxiety attacks about school at one point because of it, but I can't remember if I told my mum the truth about it). In hindsight I suppose it was bullying but I didn't realise that at the time.

Is it possible that your daughter's anxiety stemmed from this kind of girl social politics? If so it takes a long time to recover and I would say that the No1 thing is another symptom. It sounds like you are doing the right thing (pointing out that being number 1 isn't everything etc). She'll probably settle down with time.

The only other thing that I would suggest is that you look out for further anxiety attacks and try very hard (yourself) to get to the cause. This is easier said than done I know as she may be too ashamed to tell you, but you should be able to get an idea with patience.

I think lucy123's suggestion is a good one and there may be girl bullying/pressure behind your daughter's anxiety and lack of self-confidence. Perhaps you could also encourage her to do things which are non-competitive and non-academic as it sounds a bit like she "lives in her head" a lot, volunteering to help other people or work with animals, doing something physical like self-defence or horse riding, she may already have an interest or strength she could explore away from the pressure of school which might build her confidence in herself.

Thanks for the replies. She does have a "friend" who can be quite aggressive at school and this was something that came out when we saw the school nurse. However its one of those scenarios where she continues to play with said friend who on occasions can be very nice.

I have suggested that maybe she should find other friends but my daughter has been friends with the same group of girls since she started school so its very difficult. This is something that the school nurse is going to discuss with my daughters teacher and she will also help her with her transition to a new teacher in september.

Luckily my daughter always has talked to me quite freely about any problems she has. Its just really upsetting to see her go through this and I begin to wonder if its something I have done that has made her so anxious and competitive.

Maybe rather than suggest she cut off contact with the friend, you work through ways to deal with her agression and with any other people who make your daughter feel "not good enough". She's likely to meet plenty of them through her teenage years so giving her the tools to deal with them might be a good step. I think there's an organisation called Kidscape? which runs assertiveness classes for children, otherwise maybe someone could recommend a book you could work through. I really feel for her having been a similar sort of girl myself.

Thanks emwi I will look up that website and see if I can find something there to help. I know its not practical for her to cut off contact with her friends, they are in the same class at school and in some lessons on the same table. I have explained to her that in life she will come across people like this and that she has to find her own way of trying to deal with it first, but if she cant then I am always there to help her. I think she is just feeling a little insecure at the moment and I am hoping that once she starts to feel better about herself this will radically improve.

Thanks again.