How to get ds to tell us things so we can help him

[giveitago]

I'm getting something very very wrong here and really want to know how to progress.

And sorry as this is long.

OK - generally ds (nearly 4) will never tell us anything and that, coupled with the fact that if he thinks he won't be able to do something just refuses to go anywhere near it (eg swimming, bike, scooter) will cause more issue in the future.

eg. - when he started his new ursery I saw he was initially very nervous the first two weeks - we asked him why and he wouldn't say. I knew why as I'd seen this kid picking on him. After the first two weeks the kid decided that my ds would have to be his friend and then noted that for the next two months ds idolised him and copied all his behaviour (including being nasty to other kids).

I started him on a sunday morning class on trial - he said he loved it - so we booked up for the term - as time goes on he's making issues about going until today when he actually had a fit and was sobbing. He said he found it boring which makes me think why was he sobbing at something he found borning. Today - it was screaming fit and I couldn't leave him there.

Turns out there was something he struggled with there (like all the other kids probably) and for this reason he hated the classes as he felt stupid.

OK - so I've pulled him out but he won't tell us stuff (and beleive me we gently encourage him rather than bombard him with questions).

He starts school in sept - what the heck are we going to do if he's in trouble or unhappy etc and he won't say why?

Also today - unfortunately - we had promised him a treat as he's been good. Just got back from the class we'd abandoned and I thought well, we'd promised him the gift so I'd better just give it to him - give it to him and h has a fit - so take it away - now he wants it back. I've just asked him why he didn't like the gift and he physcailly cannot say it - just gives a nervous laugh and says he cannot remember.

Sounds like minor stuff but I just feel like a failure that I cannot get ds to engage which makes me feel like I'm really cocking everything up (like the classes he didn't like).

Great kid - he really is - very loving and very funny and generally v. happyetc - but such a closed book. It's almost as though he only wants to say what we might want to hear and I certainly don't want him to feel like that.

Experiences and words of wisdom really appreciated as I'm feeling a bit low about it.

Hi there,

maybe try to introduce a teddy bear toy whom he can talk to? I'm using this with nursery and reception children and they love it. It takes the pressure off and works as a middle man. Pretend that teddy speaks to you, whispers in your ear and then ask your son something teddy likes to know. Perhaps start with a simple questions like: "Teddy would like to know what you had for lunch at nursery?" Then give the teddy to your ds and hopefully he says to 'teddy' the answer. Later you can ask thinks like: "Teddy would like to know if you have any good friends at nursery? and then maybe proceed to "Teddy has a big worry ...and make something up... and he likes to know if there is anything that bothers you?"
Also there is a book Silly Billy about a boy who worries a lot, just an idea so he understands that everyone feels unsure or worried sometimes.

Hope it helps a bit? Good luck

Oh that sounds great many thanks we have lots of teddies so will certainly give it a go.

I wonder whether this is a common thing at this age -the not 'fessing up thing.

they still learn about their feelings and what certain things make them feel. I remember as a child myself sometimes feeling sad and down without knowing why. Also try to have some fun with the teddy so it's not obvious you are using him as a spy!

So it sounds as though, right now, there are two of you in your family who have very high standards, and who feel guilty and a failure when they don't do things as well as they'd like? Because there's your son, and there's you too. You say that you feel like a failure, and that you feel that you're cocking everything up. From your message, I guess that you have very high standards for yourself, and that that's probably helped you and your family a huge amount in the past. But I wonder if your son is also developing this need to have very high standards, and the feeling that he's a failure if a small thing goes wrong? Perhaps if you work on relaxing this yourself, and giving yourself the same praise and chance to improve as you're offering your son, your son may start to see himself in the same way?

Grendel - good point. Something in that resonates - not the keeping quiet but my ds assessing things before having a go and then thinking he won't as he can't.

I have high standards for me and me alone. DH doesn't have high standards for himself (does for the me though). DS is a kid so my standards for him are really just about not being rude or violent to others (!) - but I've never really worried about his development compared to other kids.

How do I relax my standards? Eg? I was a workaholic but I'm happy living in a messy flat as I have kid and he has toys and my husband is very messy however dh really hates the mess so I'm constantly tidying up (too much).

I wonder that because everything at home is left to me - and my workaholic nature (which was only to perform well) combined with dh lacking in responsibility so that he can blame others when things go wrong just creates the wrong scene. I mean anyone comes round and he points out the 'mess' ie toys on the floor like he's ashamed.

I do feel pressure to 'perform' and I know this and I do way too much and beat myself up about it, but I have always made sure ds doesn't see this - but maybe he does.

Would love to tackle this one as it would make for an easier life for me - that's for sure. LOL. But I really hope this is not the issue - I would really think of myself as a shite mum then.

How can I relax my standards which are for me alone - dh doesn't have standards and I don't really don't focus too much on developmental standards for ds as he has always seemed OK - I just want him to have a bit of self confidence as he's a fun little kiddo.

Well, I posted becuase imposing higher standards on myself than on anyone else is something that I have a problem with, and which I suspect I picked up from my mother. Not that she imposed her own need for success on any of me, but I think children (particularly intelligent and sensitive ones) can read how their parents are reacting to situations without the need for words.

I'm not really sure how best to overcome it (something I'm working on), but someone did say to me that you should only say things to yourself that you would say to someone you love - so rather than telling yourself 'if you'd worked harder you could have done that better', you can say to yourself 'that's done pretty well for a first attempt - you'll get better next time'. If you do think it might be the case, perhaps it's worth having a look at a few books around working on self-esteem?

I really don't think it's a case of being a shite mum, but about your clever DS picking up on a trait that is valuable in many ways, but which can be carried to excess?

Ohh never though of that.
Right I'mj doing the teddy next week - very slowly and lightly and then I'm going to be really nice to myself.

Thanks for that insight.

I would just get situations where you are busy doing something together and just chatting. Don't ask any questions and sometimes you find out much more. Another idea is that when you are reading him a story ask questions like 'how do you think he feels?' He might be more willing to answer questions about a book character.

You need this book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk it's really good - slightly American/cheesy language but that's easy to look around, but very helpful with all communication issues.

Yep, I often find that getting changed after his a bath is a good general 'chat time' and it's lighthearted.

Perhaps he's a lso feeling his way - every night he wants stories about me when I was little and stories about his friends getting into trouble at nursery but not him LOL.

I haver that kids will listen book - will revisit.

Just feel a bit sad that ds feels he can't say stuff - he knows that I'm very calm with him and never shout.

Oooh - nothing like becoming a parent to make you really doubt your own abilities huh!!!

Yes, my dd is nearly nine and getting information out of her is like blood from a stone. She was being quite badly bullied, but I heard about it from a friend of hers .
I find with her that yes no questions work best, if I ask her a narrative question she says she can't remember. If it is a single sylablle one she generally adds to it.

Oooh kreecher - I feel for you - I hope the bullies are sorted out.