Whether to have #4 DC or settle

[Clear2U]

Hi Mumsnet, am new here, feel free to move if in wrong topic. Found you looking for window blinds, 'tis the net connection.

Both DP and I are 40ish ,have 3 DCs. Things are a lot more settled around here and we are looking forward to being able to improve our lifestyles, DP to growing his small business and me to finding something fulfilling, job or college. I am a SAHM but get terribly bored with it and freely admit to being rubbish at organisation and housework.

Thing is, I have been desperately longing for another kid for 5 years but put it off as the time never seemed right. I had a long chat with DP about 6m ago saying time was running out. He is not 100% against but would like a comfortable home not chaos, etc and worries about lack of space. I worry about money and possible health problems and putting off my own personal development again.

Since our chat my broodiness has lessened, whether dropping hormones or depressed because of distinct lack of DP enthusiasm, I don't know. I still would like another child, as opposed to baby in arms, but really not sure I still have enough energy for the whole pregnancy/birth/sleep deprivation stage first.

Will I always regret it if I don't, and should try managing to overcome the difficulties as we did with the others? Or is this a sign that I am ready to settle and going through the first stages of accepting moving on with my life?

Any thoughts would be appreciated as RL people never seem to know what to say, and I don't blame them. So feel free to weigh in!

I had a 4th DC (now 2yo) when DC3 was 3.5yo....
Tbh, I am bored off my arse and feel trapped often wishing I could just go back to work (I used to derive a huge amount of satisfaction from work, would do from almost any job at all, really).

Might be different if I had more breaks from DC or some family support or childcare options or maybe even just a more supportive husband. But it's like putting your whole life on hold again to have another singleton after a big age gap.

Sorry to be so negative! I know you'll get many positives here, too. And there are extra risks (in pregnancy) at your age, now. A lot to consider.

I could have written your post. I want 4 for stupid reasons such as games are better with 4 than 3, if 2 are playing together then one is always left out and I have always seen myself having 4. I am not feeling desperately maternal atm but I feel its now or never. I have been at home for 7 years and I am very bored. I can't go back to my old career so I have to retrain which is going to be harder, take longer and be more expensive with 4 than 3. I worry about money, my pelvic floor, vbac or another csec, baby's health as dc3 has been quite ill.
This is my current pro and con list

Con

I will have to delay new career
I am already bored of being a sahm and I want to work. This will be more difficult and more expensive with dc4
My pelvic floor is not great
I had a csec last time and it was scary
Its more expensive. They may not be able to do after school stuff etc. Almost certainly won't have holidays
I will have to do a lot more running around. At what point does the hassle of being in a larger family outway the benefits.
2 will have to share a room as we will never be able to afford the jump from 4-5 bedrooms (4 bed house in cheap area atm). I would like them to have their own space by the time they go to secondry school.
dc3 was ill in utero. Probably won't happen again but I do worry about it.

Pros

I want 4
It may be beneficial to dc3 who is always training along behind as the first 2 are very close (emotionally and in age) and he has development delay which makes the age difference between dc2 and dc3 seem bigger.
We won't actually starve and a sibling is probably better in the long term than losts of activities.
Lots of dcs share a room. Its not child abuse.

I am more likely to regret not having dc4 than regret having him/her. I think this is the crux of it.

I'm no help at all am I .

Hi and thanks for replying.

CantSupinate : "Might be different if I had more breaks from DC or some family support or childcare options or maybe even just a more supportive husband. But it's like putting your whole life on hold again to have another singleton after a big age gap."

My thoughts exactly. You don't regret it once they are there but I had started to hope for a bit of life for myself.OTOH we are so much more chilled and able to cope than before, DP's hours are better, there is a chance I could manage college or P/T work sooner than 5 years

spitandpolish: forgot about the pelvic floor con

I don't know how old your 3 are but I think having a large family sounds lovely especially relatively close in age (as you said, for games etc) but mine all have large gaps and my eldest 2 are capable of quite a bit of babysitting to help out, just not so close emotionally. I always wanted 5 or 6 but circumstances never allowed.

2 of mine already share a room. Its perfectly ok, my mum had to share a bed with her sister! And I had bunks with my brother till around age 10. We can have a cotbed in our room for up to 2 years and DP reckons we'd be able to get an extension built after that, but no guarantees. We go on camping holidays already as cheap package deals don't exist for families of 5 and we have dogs. If we are feeling flush we can get a cottage or go to Centerparcs, woohoo I never found #3 impacted on #1 and 2's after school stuff but I suppose it depends on what they do and how tight budgeted you are (do you really need to buy clothes?

So I am back to trying to convince myself it is not more risky at my age and that money will appear and that I don't mind being invisible for another few years.

Glad I am not the only one!

Just found this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/887959-number-4-when-over-40-Would-you-do-it