Child care, is it such hard work?

[darcymum]

I know it is commonly agreed to be the hardest job in the world but I just don't think it's that hard at all. My children do all sleep well which I think makes a huge difference to my ability to cope.

When I was pregnant with my first everyone said what hard work it was having a baby, it wasn't. Then with the second they said I would struggle to cope with two under two, I didn't. Then with the third people gasped that I was mad to have three under three, I'm not (?).

Have a broken some unwritten code that we all keep quiet about how easy it all is?

Come on then I know the daggers will be out for me.

But even if you had no SN or sleep problems-would you be more of a whinger for saying you found motherhood harder than work than for saying you found work harder than motherhood?

I find sitting in an office an absolute doddle. So what does that make of every other office worker who comes home complaining they've had a hard day? Is there a conspiracy to pretend that life in the workplace is harder than it actually is?

I used to do heavy manual work pushing a wheelbarrow in the snow- I still found motherhood harder. Probably because I wasn't required to be patient with the wheelbarrows.

not hard, just tedious

I don't find it remotely stimulating, and I can't bear tedious work. It's not the childcare that's the problem, it's the constant washing/tidying/laundering. It bores me to tears (literally).

I'm so glad OP has easy children.
I wonder if when she's standing in the freezing cold 8 months pregnant, a weeks worth of shopping in hands, with 3 yo who's too big to be physically liften wants to throw a screaming fit in middle of road, you have to drag child onto pavement and then stand and wait a further 40 minutes of their screaming until they decide to walk.
I wonder if then, mothering will seem easy.

I found having a newborn was absolutely piss easy, he just slept and needed feeding and changing.

But try having kids with behaviour problems! And it's not down to parenting whether of not they will be easy kids or not.

I got congratulated by a complete stranger last week at the train station for how I was dealing with things, but it was in no way easy.

When he's going through an easy period I may forgot all how hard it's been.
But I'd probably think properly before declaring 'how easy parenting is for me' cause things could change at any time.

i am at home with my 3.5 year old and 19 week old

i am on my knees

i haven't slept for more than 2.5 hours in a row since she was born

the washing, cooking, general domestic drudgery is making me weep

i have no mental stimulation and by the time they are in bed, i can barely focus

i haven't read a book in 5 months - skim reading OK! is about it to me

the only time i get to myself is a 4 minute shower in the morning

the lack of headspace is doing me in - one of them always needs something and it all feels a bit relentless

did i mention the lack of sleep?!

my children are beautiful, healthy and fab and i love them to the ends of the earth but it is not all delightful coffee mornings and chatting ...

Of course, if the OP thinks it's easy maybe she just isn't doing it properly.

you just don't need as much mental stimulation as others and have a great capacity for tedious drudgery. I feel much better at feeling bored out of my skull now.

I found it v v hard with just DS1, DS2 is a doddle in comparison. Some kids are easier than others!!
Now they are 4 and 2 I enjoy it a lot more but its still hard work at the same time, just seems easier bvecause I'm enjoying it more/happier and more relaxed myself.

Like the idea that OP finds it so easy because she isnt doing it properly

I dont think I am doing it properly. Still if not doing it properly is a lot more fun I'll go for that.

Don't your kids "do stuff" Darcymum? It was always chaos in my house when mine were toddlers - DD1 shoved DD2's favourite toy down the toilet, DD2 had a weird hacking cough that went on for ages and stopped everyone sleeping, DS managed to vomit purple sick in the supermarket after having two sips of ribena etc etc I could go on.

I have to admit I do like chaos. If it ant consolation to people I have a Jack Russell as well and she really is hard work.

For the most part I'm sure it totally depends on the child/children you have.
Mine never slept well. I haven't had more than 4 hours unbroken sleep in alomst 6 years and I'm sure thats not unusual.

Some children also play well themselves and demand less input than others. I have two that talk nonstop all day (and in their sleep!). I have a friend whose child likes long periods of quiet and plays alone in her room for over an hour at a time (talking preschool age here). She also doesn't create the same level of mess as mine do, even when fingerpainting, etc.
On a very basic level your day will be easier if you've had a good nights sleep, a few minutes to yourself and if you get to drink coffee and chat to friends even better.

Even on a bad day I can't say its hard as such being a mother, but it is frustrating, annoying, tiring, worrying and many other things. In my case throw in an alcoholic husband and no family support and that leaves a background level of stress that makes even easy things challenging and I'm sure I'm not alone in that circumstance.

Very you find it easy all the time- you should have more!

I find it comes and goes in phases - if one is I'll or not sleeping or is challenging then it's hard. By the time they are toddlers tis much easier.

please tell us your top tips! find it unbelievably hard, never done anything harder.

sorry ' ill'

I have had 3 really easy babies. I don't tell anyone in RL that they are easy. I also have an easy time because of my circumstances, Dh is around a lot, mil is nice, no serious money problems, we have a car and a good local school. They have all been good sleepers which makes all the difference. I still find it a bit relentless and often quite dull. I miss using my brain at work and I miss just being able to pop out. I think having 3 teenagers in the house is going to be very tricky.

Do you have a cleaner? Parents/inlaws who help out?

I think if all I had to do was look after DD all day it would be fine - it's trying to fit in everything else that goes with it that I find tough - if me and DD have had a fun day, the house is a total mess! If DH comes home to washing done, dinner cooked etc then guaranteed somewhere in the day I've felt guilty for sticking her in front of CBeebies/unloading the washing machine while she clings to my leg.

The days when we have playdates at other people's houses are fun, but that's probably only once maybe twice a week and only for a couple of hours. Maybe I just need more friends! We do get out to toddler groups etc but again it's trying to fit in domestic duties around DD's social life that is the tricky part!

I still prefer it to full time work though - but with noone around to help out and DH out of the house 12 hours a day it is definitely tough! Not to mention being pregnant too, I am hoping the myths about the second child being easier really are true...

'That(s) what my friends say and I know they have the same easy life as me.'

Yes but you are not your friends, everybody is different and deals with life and all it throws at them differently.It is great that you enjoy it so much, but it is wrong to assume that just because someone is in similar circumstances to you, that they are (or should be) experiencing it in the same way.

Oh and I agree, the sleep thing can make a huge difference, if I have had a good nights sleep, everything seems so much better and easier to deal with during the day.

Totally with you on liking chaos and not doing it properly being more fun, OP

LOL @ Jack Russell being more work. I worried a bit before I got my chickens but if I think of them compared to babies they are, like, less than 1% of a baby.

I find with dcs, esp at toddler age, that as long as you have the energy to stay one step ahead of them it is easy, but if you lose that (eg through illness or cumulative lack of sleep) it suddenly becomes much harder - eg if you're alert enough to move the favourite toy before it goes down the toilet it's easy but if you're too knackered to notice what's about to happen then you lurch from one crisis to the next.

Agree with those that say that it comes more naturally to some than others. Also, I think it also depends what bothers you and what drives you. Some people are happy and contented and some aren't. Some are striving for more, for them and their children. Some have more challenges with their kids than others. Some get unbroken sleep. Some have health issues themselves.

Lots of people don't broadcast the exact details, they just say its hard. Its a catch all phrase that normally elicits empathy from other parents.

There's a mum at school that I know a little that has 3 and finds it all a breeze - she used to be a nanny. She's the only person I know that does find it easy. She doesn't parent like me so I don't make comparisons though.

Individual attitudes - what annoys you etc - makes all the difference I think. I can happily ignore noisy play, a fair amount of mess, stained clothes, broken furniture and toys etc. - it just doesn't wind me up like it does some people.

It's the same at work - I find a busy day far less frustrating than a normal one - the time flies, all the little stuff gets forgotten.

I've never read the book, but it seems to me that an attitude of "don't sweat the small stuff" gets you a long way.

Of course my casual attitude does mean that (following my mother's example) there are certain cupboards, and under the beds where no-one should look because that's where I hide everything when the midwife/health visitor/ILs come round!

I find it very hard at times, easy at others, like every job I have ever had.

Depends on the kid, the parent, the environment, etc, etc.

chunkypickle - you hide your DC in cupboards/under the bed? No wonder its easy.

I think OP says it all when she said her children all slept well. The hardest thing in the world is trying to cope on less than 4 hours sleep a night every night, when the job is unpaid 24/7 and you want to do it perfectly. It isn't parenting itself that is difficult, it's the appalling toll on your mental faculties and physical strength when you average 1 1/2 -2 hours sleep a night week in week out. Sleep deprivation is used in war as a form of torure for a very good reason. When I had five or more hours sleep, or on the rare occasions I had one of my twins not both to care for, it felt like a doddle. But that happened maybe once every three months for the first four years.

Clearly you haven't been put through what most mums are put through, Darcymum. I'm glad for you. OK I'm jealous too, but I am glad because I wouldn't wish those early years on anyone. But working PT while kids are in school - the life I have now - is bliss and despite money worries, I love every minute of it.

I don't think that having/looking after children is hard either - but doing anything else at the same time (including essential things for yourself, like having a shower and eating) is hard.