Am losing my mind and being a crap mum

[sowhatis]

I have 2 boys, both at infant school. eldest has dyspraxia.

i seem to be constantly shouting and fighting which led to todays event of dragging ds1 out of the house without his shoes on as i had put them on, he took them off etc, then drove them to school as the walk wouldnt have been worth it with the fighting, ds1 meltdown mode as still not got shoes on, i put them on again and was angry by this point and pulled him out of car.

he ran off and said he wasnt going to school, so i said fine and grabbed all the stuff and took it in. he followed and went in. i said have a good day and bye, as i did to ds2.

they dont listen. i dont think i spend enought time listening to them tbh. i try and engage with them but then ds1 goes off on one and i am shortly behind in losing the plot and shouting.

i need practical advice, i have lots going on right now, i work Pt, DH away most of the week or comes in past 8pm, but this is no excuse for my behaviour.

we had an 'ok' half term, didnt shout as much, which we had all talked about and it worked perfectly, i felt better and so did they.

anyone else in similar position, i feel like im wishing them away all the time as i dont want to be near them and listen to them fighting, ignoring what i have asked to do etc

would love any opinions

thanks
xx

sounds like you need time off to chill out and recharge those mummy batteries.

Is there anything else that is making you feel down? Are you getting enuogh sleep? I know if I don't get enough sleep I am out of patience the next day.

What could be making DS1 angry? If you are reacting to his shouting, what is making him feel he has to express himself by shouting. Does he like school?

you are not a crap mum. Just sound at your wits end.
count to ten, do something nice for yourself, sit your DSs down and tell the house rules no shouting - and that includes mummy - see if they respond.

Can DS 2 put on his own shoes? reward his efforts, make him responsible for getting himself ready like a good big boy?

Chat over dinner to your boys see whats on their minds and you may feel better that you are making time to listen to them.

Sounds like you know what to do as you had a successful halfterm, talk to them again and say how great it was and ask for ideas on how can you all make the school week s better.

hope you are feeling better.

thank you messymissy.

i am tired at the mo, our dog has had pups and i am permanently feeding them and cleaning up after them!!!!

ds2 does get ready himself. i think i will go back to reward charts as these seemed to work well before for them.

ds1 is generally quite an angry child - i.e. easily frustrated, i try to ignore the outbursts, but sometimes that is impossible.

thanks for responding. i know what i have to do really, its just knuckling down and getting it done xxxx

You ask if anyone has experience of this - only about half the mums in the world, I reckon. It's so normal to have tough times and shout at the kids and then feel rubbish. it's normal to do what you did with the shoes. in fact I read a parenting book that recommends this. It makes the child responsible for his actions.

Actually having your partner not return until 8 each night or being away is partly an excuse. It's hard. You never get down time. When my OH is working away it's often easier than when he;s around. you work to your own routine, fit in with the kids. When he's back there's all the adult chat and food to prepare and washing to do. Nothing feels easy when you're shattered.

When my kids were smaller I often had times like this. They get far fewer as the kids get older. If you recognise it's all too much, do what you can to make things easy on your self. Buy ready meals or go out for tea. Get them all out of the house as much as possible. Less mess plus fresh air always made us feel better.

Hope the pups do OK and that once they're homed you have a bit more tranquillity.

He is angry because he is beginning to realise that he can't do some of the things his friends and younger brother can do. He may not even be aware of why he is angry but I know from my experience with my ds (who is 8 and dyspraxic) how frustrated he can get. School is hard work for him, probably 4 times the work for him than for others. He takes it out on us at home and it is our job to get him through it. Shouting makes it worse.

Your ds probably has low self esteem and you need to start boosting it. Ask him what he wants to do better - putting his shoes on, using a knife and fork maybe. Help him work on it and give him some confidence.

Also I find that giving ds advance warning of everything (e.g. tomorrow we are goig to the dentist, then don't forget after school we are goig to the dentist, then 1 hours til we go to the dentist, in 5 minutes we are leaving to go to the dentist). It sounds mad but doesn't retain stuff and hates surprises.

Do you get help from the OT and physio? The OT can help you and him with his frustration.

thanks cherys,

when my dh gets home later today i am going to go out and get reward charts and start those.

i cant wait for it to get nicer out there and start getting out with kids more. i walk dogs on my own everyday, but in the summer (anytime its not raining!) we all go out together. yesterday afternoon they were in their tree house with friends, and had a great time, as did i!

got another 6wks before pups go to new homes, but im sure tihs will fly by!

thanks

xx

thanks meloncauli,

i do plan stuff and let him know in advance, have found this works really well.

he does have low self esteem, and i do try and boost this, and him starting beavers has been great for him.

im going to get his feet measured again today as he says his shoes hurt.....new only 4wks ago, and they seem ok, but you never know!

thanks for responding x

I think unfortunately a child who has dyspraxia can often be quite volatile as things are harder to cope with and it can make them more tired and fustrated, which as a parent is very difficult to deal with.

it is going to pass as he gets older, the dyspraxia will gradually stop impacting so highly on your lives. In the meantime you need to do everything you can to make life as easy as possible.

A tip a nursery teacher gave me was instead of raising your voice to lower it so they go quiet to listen to you which did kind of work. Do you leave getting shoes on until just before going? I try to have mine ready 15 mins early with shoes on then if it goes pear shape then there is slack in the routine and shoes aren't a last minute thing.

My ds is oversensitive to touch, smell, noise etc, so your ds may need a softer pair of shoes? By the way I still shout at mine but only when all else fails. I try and be patient but it is bloody hard. However I know that when I do put the effort to understnad his frustrations then his behaviour improves. Also when I include him him in the decisions he feels some ownership of it and behaves better.

Hope it all gets better for you. It is a slog but a small amount of effort pays off.

thank you wynken and melon.

i am certainly going to keep calmer, and take deep breaths and try to understand him more. shouting doesnt work, i know that, but it is hard at times not to just shout out of frustration.

i think i need some 'me' time and im going to try and get out for lunch and a run next week to feel more 'me'.

thank you x