things we feel guilty about

[loueden]

Thought I'd start this thread after a hugely unsuccessful foray into Mumsnet this morning - got roundly pilloried some of it justified due to ill-advised subject matter and i think i came across as a right a- so hoping to be more successful this time!!

Here goes (gulp!)

Wondering if others ever feel guilty about things i do since becoming a mum 6 months ago:

1. Feeding. When i was pregnant, i was adamant that i was going to breastfeed, for at least 6 months. I went to numerous workshops, watched DVDs etc - there was no way any baby of mine was ever going near the demon formula. Perhaps my determination was due to having seen a psychologist called Madeline Portman (as i recall) talk about child development at a seminar. She showed results of studies into effects of long-chain fatty acids on brain development etc and links between lack of and autistm - therefore extolled virtues of breastfeeding which made considerable impression on me.

I remember breastfeeding in the hospital after birth feeling (to my horror and shame) a bit smug and judgemental about the other 2 mothers next to me whose babies were being bottle fed and being sick. Little did i know - but unfortunate experience taught me not to ever judge any mother's parenting decisions.

I had to stop breastfeeding after 2 months. Had recurring bouts of mastitis - went to breastfeeding clinics at local hospital and was never away from NCT support etc. Eventually ended up in hospital with abcess and doctor told me expressly that had to stop - were other factors involved.

Was guilt-laden for ages afterwards - especially when DS poos went from fairly pleasant to foul-smelling - felt as 'though was poisoning him! Also felt ashamed when out and about with bottles (yes, sad, I know) and that had let son down.

Anyway, my son is absolutely thriving now and the guilt is slowly fading. Lesson learned that you never know what's round the corner and that you shouldn't judge others for choices - and also not worry so much about what other people think. I make a big effort now he started on solids to make sure cook all from scratch, organic etc. Just wondered if others had been in same
position.

2. Prams

Will keep this brief (collective sigh of relief!)but with paediatricians and psychologists in family had been emphasised to me the need for parent-facing pram. Mum duly bought me a Silver Cross (not one of the older, hulking varieties) due to aforementioned positioning. Find it a real struggle to get in and out of shops/car and to steer just about anywhere, so bought a buggy. Buggy great - really light-weight - but now feel a bit bad that Ds can't face me!Think sometimes that too much information/knowledge can be a bad thing.

Anyway, have loads more guilt points on list, but don't want to batter on all night - like to hear anyone else's guilty stories!
Please notealso that would really like to avoid debate about feeding etc, just hoping for some light-hearted sharing!

i'm sure i did feel guilty - but not about not breastfeeding as life was so hard for me at that time, just one little thing and i think i would have stuck my head in the oven or turned into phycho bitch mum on front of papers who smothered her children and then did herself in.

so no. i truly don't. i was barely coping.

prams

no. not at all, i got what i could afford - a twin pram i bought off my friends sister both faced away from me - never bothered me at all.

my personal opinion is that we can overthink everything, we can drown in minutae. recyle the parenting books - and just do what feels right and happy for you.

oh god the list is endless

too much telly
not enough time with mummy
too many fish fingers/biscuits
not enough fruit/vegetables
shouting at DCs
working
not enough creative/crafty play
haven't taught DS1 to swim yet

and that's just for starters!

You must be a really good person to feel guilty about even having your baby facing the wrong way in its pram. I dropped my baby on her head out of the pram! It was one of those 3-in-1 combo things and I must have put the chassis on wrong before it suddenly came off and dd (3 months old) went head first onto the pavement. Fortunately, her head still seems to be in functioning order 13 years later. But it took many cups of tea at the ante-natal group to settle her mother!

Was also an avid breastfeeder: unfortunately missed the fact that dd was not strong enough to suck (disability diagnosed much later). We ended up in hospital. So I don't know how many of those fatty acids actually went into her.

probably quicker and easier to list what I don't feel guilty about!

When DD1 was born I was a single mum and every night I would rock her to sleep in her carseat while I sat on the sofa- to be honest I liked having her in the room. As a result she was a bugger to get to settle herself and still fell asleep in the seat in the day or evening- I have a photo of her aged two, flat out in this tiny baby seat, arms and legs extending out into space!
Same feeding problems with both dds; bleeding cracked nipples making latching on an excruciating horror. I expressed milk with blood in! DD1 made it to 4 months before I gave up but that also involved going back to work. DD2 got two months out of me then i got hideous mastitis as well as cracked nipples. i expressed for a further month, getting her on to formula. Both are now smart as you like and damn healthy but the guilt at the time is massive!

Oh, and DH forgot to strap DD2 in to her (rear facing ) buggy when she was a couple of months old. She slithered out in Netto car park and landed on her face she had a small scrape on her nose and between nose/top lip, and screamed for ages. I didn't let that one lie for DH for a while! I was loath to let anybody see her for a while until it healed, I didn't want to have to explain what happened!

Hee hee! Certainly enjoyed reading posts here - made me laugh. Am no longer scared of Mumsnet!

My third guilt point is having son stay over with MIL once a month. When he was 3 months old i was still quite ill/frazzled and she offered to take him overnight. Really missed him but the thought of a lie-in was golden!

Now he stays over every month and i use the time to catch up on housework/emails/crap TV/sleep. Guilt comes in as most of my friends never let kids stay over with anyone 'till nearer a year old. Wee fella seems to love it 'though and i'm refreshed and raring to go!

Guilt over so many things - mainly my severely compromised principles - TV for instance, something my PFB wouldn't watch at all, except selectively with me, for 20 minutes in the afternoon and only Cbeebies - NOW, 2.5 years on and another DD, TV in the morning, and Nickeloden at that - shocking 2.5 years ago, now just mild guilt as i use the time to throw some clothes on and a cup of coffee down my neck before starting round 2.

I feel guilty about caving into other people's advice and letting my son scream for hours in his cot when he wanted to sleep with me.
I shouldn't have put him through that just because other people thought he should be in a cot, I remember his little face looking so sad :-( Hours of sobbing he did.

And I feel guilty for all the times I refused to breastfeed him because I was worried about what other people thought when we were in public.
Poor boy was thirsty.

Well watch me this time. Hot sunny day my baby's thirst will be coming before what people think :-)
and I won't be bowing my head in shame and making excuses when saying how I let baby sleep with me.

I am still tied to DD2, she is my PSB! My mum invited DD1 round to play (my Dsis is ten, DD1 8) and said "Oh if DD2 wants to come she is most welcome!"
I actually hesitated purely because she is always here chattering away to me, my little mate! God . I did send her, she had a whale of a time and I had the WHOLE DAY at home on my own (this has never once happened) unfortunately the only thing I did was sort the DDs room out completely, it was a wreck, moved all the furniture round and everything and made it lovely for when they got back!
So in short I am also guilty of an awful lot of PSB- ness.

Shouting,
snapping,
swearing,
leaving him in daycare for 8-10 hours at a time even when he sobbed for me not to leave him :-(
I did get my qualifications that year though, but it was kind of at his expense :-(
He flourished in so many ways when I finished college and spent my time with him again :-)

Loueden, just been in CHAT and there's a thread about you, with people wondering if you're OK from your previous attempt... didn't see it, but sounds like you ignited some shockers! well done you, never really started a controversial post here in 2 years!!

good for you mo2ba-get them out with pride!

Jenster - know what you mean about TV. Have written papers about children and TV before son came along - now principles out the window!

He watches Baby Einstein or CBeebies for a wee while to let me get shower etc. Like the allusion to boxing/wrestling match round 2 - feels like that sometimes!

I feel guilty about dropping dd off at nursery and then coming home ostensibly to work, but really to piss about on MN and do laundry, online grocery shopping etc... argh

Giving up breastfeeding, swapping my swanky parent facing pushchair for a forward facing off-roader: its ok he's not facing me, I am teaching him healthy living with all the outdoor time!

Plonking him in front of TV while I shower.

For leaving him with my mum for 2 days while we have building work done/catch up on sleep. I felt awful leaving him, but the sleep has been wonderful!

My baby did fall out of his breakfast bar height highchair onto a tiled floor. I still can't bear to think about it (fortunately no harm done).

I formula fed and did not feel one iota of guilt in doing so. It was my informed choice, and I had a lovely, nurturing experience feeding him.

I have a very comfortable, large and heavy front/rear facing pushchair. My LO loves it. I also love to chat to him, point things out and see the expression on his face. Face-to-face interaction is just more fun for both of us. We have a lightweight front facing buggy, but he simply refuses to have anything to do with it!

I feel guilty for:

Shouting at the dd's (when i have PMT).

Not breast feeding (even though i tried with dd1).

Not being able to cope when the dd's are sick (i have a vomiting phobia).

For spoiling the dd's (dd1 is turning into a spoilt brat thanks to me).

For weaning early, even though the dd's are fine.

Smoking whilst pg with dd1 (only 1 a day).

For not feeding the dd's enough fruit and veg.

For not taking the dd's swimming (i have never taken dd2 swimming).

For giving the dd's the MMR (they both have ASD) although there is no proven link to ASD, if i could go back i would not have let them have it.

I could go on but i won't, i think guilt is a part of being a parent a long with worry.

The only thing I did feel guilty for, and no longer do, is dropping him and cracking his skull and breaking his rib when he was 3 weeks old. It was one of those freak accidents, still don't know how I dropped him, he sort of rolled out of my arms and hit our laminate flooring. Spent two days in hospital.

But I no longer feel guilty for that. He's 8 months now and bright as a button.

I guess I did have some guilt over not breastfeeding, but I got over that as well. My milk just never came in.

hey jenster - heard about this thread from friend today - where is it?! And thanks for the positive comment!!

I think we might have had more joy /less worry as 1970s parents - my MIL certainly seems to think lots of the things we're told about today are a bit odd. Found OHs baby card from 1970s and a 6 weeks he was on cod liver oil and OJ! Now we'd be told his teeth would fall out and he'd get vitamin A poisoning...