just had huge argument woth my mum...

[whensmydayoff]

My mum is one of thoses people who is never wrong. In 33 years Ive never heard her say the word 'sorry' to anyone and any form of critisism is met with real anger.

Sooooo for me to even mention that my 10 week old stunk of smoke was sailing close to the wind to say the least!

She opens the windows and smokes outside when kids are coming round. For 2.9 years she has had my DS for the day once a week. I have never ever smelt smoke off him as she must have made an effort.

I think she's probably either smoking more or leaving it until the last minute to smoke outside now because a week ago when DS came home he smelt of smoke so I had to strip him and bath him when he returned.
I mentioned it and it was met with contempt and anger.

Yesterday I just visited for a few hours and had my 10 week old DD too and when we got home my DH said "I take it you were at your mums because DD smells of smoke". Right enough, her coat stunk.

So today I told her and she went mad.

Im a paranoid nutter, do I really believe that them smelling of smoke is harmful?

Everyone blames smoking for everything and it doesn't cause cot death it's all rubbish.

Im just being nasty and hurtful telling her her house smells.

Ive not to bother dropping DS off at her now.

Im at breaking point here as my DD has awful reflux and screams day and night. My mum is all I have in way of a babysitter and I was looking forward to when DD was 6 months and I had finished BF so we could get a break now and then. Now that can't happen if she is going to reek of smoke afterwards, doesn't seem right.

She is the type that never puts herself out. She loves having DS - on her terms but even lately I can see the novelty wearing off. I always feel totally in her debt if she is doing me any favours.

I live in the next street from her. She only works mornings again, 5 minutes from here.
She knows Im stressed with DD and struggling to cope just now and yet she never comes round and helps with anything.
She comes on a Wednesday and basically I give her lunch and she sits on her butt gossiping. She then has DS on a Sunday afternoon because it suits her - for now!

I know there are lots of MN'rs who have nobody so im lucky Ive got the breaks I get but I can't have the kids sitting in a smokey stinking livingroom just to get a break.

Feel free to tell me if im being OTT!

Feel free to comment on either of us - I just needed to get this off my chest.

ok - maybe this post was a tad boring !

Sympathy going your way from here. This sounds very frustrating for you. How hard would it be for you to find another babysitter for an afternoon?

I agree with your concerns about smoke. Even if your mum is smoking outside, obviously she is still smoking indoors when she doesn't have your DCs, and there is smoke in the air and particles on the furniture and walls.

I also hear your frustration about having a mum who seems to add to the aggravation rather than actually helping, and especially with the stress you're going through with the screaming and the reflux. Sounds as if you'd like to just get away from it all, or make it stop for just a bit anyway.

You could kill two birds with the one stone by finding someone else, even some responsible student, for an afternoon, to replace your mum. Grandparents are not always the best answer when it comes to childcare. There have been studies showing that some grannies are not the best people to care for their grandchildren. Some of them have outdated ideas about diet, some try to keep children quiet by overfeeding them, some are unwilling to play bad cop and will give in to children's demands for toys and treats in the name of 'having a right to spoil them', some are over-protective and also unable to physically keep up when it comes to active play, and they restrict children's freedom to explore, run and climb, etc., outdoors. The upshot is that children who are cared for a lot by a grandparent are often overweight and a bit too protected.

Of course, there are grannies who are fab, but your mum sounds like someone who is determined not to listen to you when it comes to something potentially bad for the DCs' health. She is also presumably leaving them unsupervised when she goes out for a smoke.

Do you think your mum will be aggressive about what your saying, won't say sorry, but may actually go away and change what she is doing?

My mum would not be happy with me raising something like this, would kick of a bit, but then can sometimes actually change. Not that she would ever go as far as saying sorry or acknowledging any wrong doing.

I am sorry you are feeling this way about your mum and that she has made it so difficult for you to continue asking for support when you need it.

You have my sympathy she sound like my mum.

My mum accused me of over-reacting when she was looking after DD and I went to find them and found DD had gone out of the garden gate and was walking in the road (admittedly it is a quiet road but it only take one car to come along at the wrong time!)My mum was smoking and didnt notice DD opening two gates and leaving the garden!

She has visited on the children birthdays every year with goodies,(cakes, biscuits sweets etc) until this year when she knew DH was away and without warning just decided not to show up for DS's birthday. He was gutted!

She tells my children stupid things and as a result of her telling my DD (then 8) that if she stayed awake until midnight her body would get used to it and then Mummy would let her stay up late everyday! Resulting in a very moody child with constant bags under her eyes.

I could go on and on and on but I wont. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

No she doesn't leave him alone to smoke outide, my stepdad is there and he sings from my hymn sheet re my mums smoking (and refusal to hear anyone else)!

She does smoke like a chimney when they aren't there though. Place used to smell fine as the windows are open regularly and as I said, I think as the 2.9 years have rolled in she has become more lax. Probably just stops smoking an hour before it where she used to smoke outside the whole day of DS coming round.

She drives me mad. I can't imagine my DD living round the corner from me, me working part time and me knowing she was having a tough time with a screaming baby and toddler and not being there as much as she needed me. I'd be there doing ironing or taking the baby for a walk or playing with the toddler, I'd be more the opposite and driving her mad with my constant fussing I think!!

I'd see the point if she had a busy social callander but she is just sitting on her ass smoking fags! .

"She is the type that never puts herself out" and "For 2.9 years she has had my DS for the day once a week" are contradictory, no?

I'm with you on the smoking though - I wouldn't let my kids be looked after by someone who would smoke during the visit, even if they did go outside.

I cannot imagine living near my dd and not once ever offering to look after my gc's, not even for 10 minutes while my dd was in a wheelchair after major surgery in which she nearly died, and my son-in-law was desperate to get down the corridor to see his newborn son in NICU, but hey, my parents did it.

I guess the bright side is your mum has said she won't have your ds any more, so you don't have to offend her by refusing to send him!

fruitful

I know it sounds contradictory but you have to know her.

My mum loves my DS. Her life has been a bit boring last 5 years as my stepdad doesn't go out (long story). My DS is a ray of sunshine to them both so it absolutely suits her and I am grateful for that and as I said - I realise im lucky as alot of parents get no help.

What I mean is if it didn't suit her she'd never do me a favour.

DS has been a little harder work since arrival of DD understandibly. She has started to not ask for him on the odd sunday and tells me to drop him later and pick him up earlier and looks P'd off if he is a bit hyper as toddlers can be.

My DS up until lately was a doddle. Laid back, slept for 2-3 hours a day and good company.

No sleeps now and alot of mini tantrums and I can see the novalty wearing!

If DD turns out to be a hard child too I wont see her for dust.

I just mean she wont help me for me IYSWIM and I know Id be so different with my DD.

I was a bit confused with your post - was it YOUR parents that didn't help you?

Oh ignore me im knackered, read it again and realised it was you in the wheelchair - not good. I know there's alot worse, im just het up today after row.

just wanted to let you know that i totally support your views over smoking, i think it is disgusting esp round children and would be very upset if my ds came home smelling of smoke from anywhere!

your mum does sound rather selfish and self-suiting, i'm sorry for that. no advice, i am far too tired after dealing with sick hubby (much harder work than any sick kid ) for last 3 days to think this through, just wanted to let you know imo you are not being a nutter, you are trying to protect your kids from a serious health risk.

thanks toomuch and my sympathies to you re DH.

I have a DH with a sore eye tonight and I have an urge to poke him in the 'good' eye for going on about it so much!

Hee-hee, don't you know his sore eye hurts way more than yours would, if it were you?

I do see that your mum is only wanting your ds cos it suits her. I'm waiting for my mum to start asking to have dd over, cos dd is now old enough to be easy, and good company - you can take her to museums instead of toddler groups, and have 2-way conversations that are interesting and not about fairies. I'm wondering if I'll have the guts to say "where were you for the last 8 years?" and "do you want the boys too then?".

Parents, who'd have them?

You might like to look up 'third hand smoke' which is the toxic effects that linger after a cigarette has been put out and the second hand smoke has cleared. Even if someone does the actual smoking outside. You only need to smell a smoker's breath even several minutes after they have finished smoking, and you don't even need to get close. I'm lucky in that only my dad smokes and we only see him once a year so we don't have the problem really, but your DS is coming back smelling of it so his little lungs will be breathing it in too. Maybe you could print out some scientificky stuff about it and wave that at your mum - do you think if the info came from a less personal source she would take it more seriously and feel it was less of a personal attack?

No she is so adament it's all rubbish.

My mum could be present at the post mortem of a baby who died of cot death and the pathologist would conclude that the baby died of second/third hand smoke and she would argue with him!

If there was a protest in the streets for smoking my mum would dress as bat woman and stand on the tower of london with the biggest bill board ever seen.

If I handed a print to her she'd refuse point blank to read it and be in an even worse mood for bringing it up again.

She never ever listens to anyone. Never wrong, never wants to be confronted with anything personal to her and NEVER says sorry.

Its funny how when you have kids of your own you see your parents in a new light.

I don't think she has ever made a real effort for anyone in her whole life. Even us as children were definitely not her main priority.

It p'd me off yesterday as my bro and i grew up with constant arguing and fighting to the extreme. My mum started arguing with me when I told her about DD smelling of smoke so an argument ensued - not a screaming violent one like the ones her and my dad had but an argument all the same.

My DS was there (feel very bad about that as me and DH never argue infront of him) and my mum kept saying when I was speaking "your upsetting DS" obviously for my DS's ears even though she was going hell for leather.

Then as I finally settled screamy baby after 40 mins of screaming, DS ran into the room and started shouting so I quickly whipped him up and shut him in the livingroom while I closed her door over. On my way back into the livingroom to explain to DS why I did that she said loudly for his ears "he's only 2" .

I said "what are you talking about, don't use our argument to get at my parenting skills", she then grabbed her coat and walked out.

I told her last week I was crying everyday and not coping and felt like I wasn't bonding with DD so she acts like that over a simple comment and I know now she will keep it up and expect me to apologise after she has ripped me to shreds again.

Not this time.

Sorry im still ranting but ive had a bad night with DD and this all swirling round my head. arggghhhh.

Oh dear. You sound very patient tbh.