newborn & toddler vs pregnant & toddler

[Liz79]

which is better/easier?
why?
how will I cope?
any tips on things to do from day 1 with them both to make life easier? for us and DD?
What about bedtimes? Does DD go a bit later than baby cos she is the big girl?

34 weeks, just finished work and panicking about it. Finding it difficult to cope with DD (2.2) when she is having a bad day now I am big and achey and tired. She's lovely on a good day

It depends on so many things; how much help you have, whether toddler attends nursery at all, what type of baby you get. I am 8 weeks in with a 20 month old as well. I found the last stages of pregnancy very frustrating because I couldn't do much with DS so in that sense things are much better now. My recommendations to make things easier are;

• buy a good sling so that when baby cries you can pop them in the sling and get on with things with DD. I also use it during toddler groups etc so I can focus exclusively on my toddler.

• Get a box of toys which only come out at feeding time so that your toddler has something fun and exciting to do.

• Involve your toddler in the baby. Mine loves nappy changes when we make loud 'P-yooo' noises and giggle at the contents of the baby's nappy....

• If you can afford it, put toddler in nursery at least once a week to ensure that you have some one on one time with newborn.

• If you can afford it, get a cleaner.

• Divide responsibilities with DP. In my house, he does a night wakings the toddler has and I deal with baby. He gets toddler dressed before going to work. Whilst on paternity leave, he took toddler out every day whilst I established breastfeeding.

• Bedtimes; Well my newborn doesn't have one yet. I bath them both together then put ds to bed. DD stays up until I got to bed because I want to sleep when she does to ensure I actually get some sleep...

• Plan lots of activities with your toddler during the day. I find getting out and about makes us all happier.

Mainly remember it is really hard at first but in general I have found the move from 1 to 2 easier than the move from none to one.

ps - also buy your toddler a doll and encourage them to care for their own baby as you look after newborn (nappy changes, getting dressed etc).

There were exactly 24 months between my two and it was haaaaard.. but a lot of people have told me that another few months makes a huge difference, so your toddler should, for example, be a lot more reasonable by the time baby comes.
Personally I found it more difficult a few months down the line. Obviously you could get a difficult baby but chances are he/she will feed and sleep. I found that when baby started to need more awake time, more stimulation etc was when things got a bit hairy.. possibly have some plans in place for then.
For the beginning, try to stick to your toddler's routine as much as you can.. plus all the usuals... prezzie from new baby.. not to have baby in your arms when big sis comes in to hospital to meet her etc..
And a very good peace of advice I was given was to (almost) always attend to toddler's needs first.. baby can wait a minute and won't take it personally!
And enjoy your last few weeks!!!!!
oh.. one last one.. don't fall into the temptation of Dad and toddler off doing all the cool stuff while Mum sits at home BFing.. Get a sling and go along too!!

NB and toddler definitely easier and agree with all Bogey's suggestions. One thing that did throw me though was that DD stopped sleeping through when DS arrived and wanted to be cuddled a lot in the middle of the night which is not ideal when DS is in with us. We managed to cram a 4' 6 bed into her roomand DH goes inthere when she is rowdy. Usually both then fall asleep.

I never found the bfing toys trick to work (my two are exactly 24m apart too - snap mamsnet!) and found I had to rely on tv to keep ds occupied while settling dd. I feel slightly bad about this but not as bad as I felt about dd being kept awake by a very clingy 2yo. Do what works - it won't be forever.

At first we bathed them together and put them to bed at the same time, but that ended fairly quickly as from around 4m dd was desperate to egg ds on to ever-greater pre-bedtime hijinks. (Strangely I did manage several further months of joint daytime naps - all 3 of us on the big bed. I do miss that now.)

I was lucky, ds hardly jealous at all. But I really let everything slide and gave all my attention to them as much as I could. I am a little stranger now than I was but I think it was worth it

hth. don't worry - you'll find your own way.

Newborn easier ime. I just moved DS2 around with me while more or less carrying on DS1's routine. DS2 slept through most of it, being moved from floor to mat to floor to bed as we went round the house no problem. Tiny babies are very portable.

DS2 is coming up 4 months now. I bath him first then leave him on the changing mat kicking away while I bath DS1, after removing DS2's bath support and putting DS1's bathmat in. I could probably put them in together now DS2 is a bit bigger, but it works pretty well how we do it.

DS2 is happy as long as he can hear and see me and hear DS1 in the bath. He does have a dummy which I would recommend - he will only take it when he is overtired and is grizzly for that reason, but it's useful to have that option.

DS1 goes to bed first, at around 7.30. DS2 currently feeds at 4.45 so isn't then ready for another feed til about 7.45 - 8ish, so he is obviously up a bit longer for that reason, although in bed straightaway afterwards. Again that works well for us.

It's all a bit daunting but you'll find a way that works for you. I found that I was assuming the logistics of managing two, especially at bathtime, would be so difficult and horrendous, but actually we've found what works and it's a lot easier than I thought. The most challenging thing about two I found was the physical exhaustion, especially at the beginning with the overnight with the new baby. With one baby it's hard work, but at least once baby is asleep you can in theory at least sit down. With two, if it's not one of them needing bouncing/feeding, it's the other one needing a story read, playing, tea made for him or whatever, so there's not much respite at all, and when there's a bit of respite from the children housework and other jobs need doing. I'm also running my own business so am squeezing work in as well!

Things get better as newborn starts going to bed properly during the evening, I now have from 8.30 in the evening free for dinner, work and time with DH. I'm also fine from the exhaustion point of view because we are very lucky in that DS2 slept through from 10 weeks. Obviously that might not happen for you, but the point I'm making is that it does get better, usually fairly quickly, and you'll muddle through until you find a routine that works for you.

Baby and toddler easier for me too. pg and toddler was hell.

Thank you for all your suggestions and reassurances, it is hell and the thought that its only going to get worse until the baby gets here is awful

I found newborn and toddler easier

i found both easier than crawler & toddler.

actually pregnancy & toddler easier for me because 1 toddler in backpack = easy to walk dog with wheras baby in sling & toddler walking = a PITA.

oooh how to pick!!

I found dealing with DS at the end of my PG very very hard.

Once DD arrived I had more energy and found him easier.

Second time round I find myself more determined to get up and out as being in the house with screaming baby (reflux) and bored toddler is hell.

Now, if i didn't have the baby from hell with a severe case of silent reflux I'd definitely say without a shadow of a doubt - baby and toddler is easier because I was struggling at the end.

Also before the reflux kicked in at 5 weeks I found being second time mum a doddle compaired to the shock of your first (the life change doesn't come into it this time and your not as anxious)

As it is, Im just finding my new baby a nightmare but everything else is easier.

Hope that helps!

Sorry just butting in on this topic - I too am panicking about dealing with a toddler and newborn. My DD will be 18 months when baby arrives but it sounds like everyone copes somehow. You also forget how you can leave a newborn in one place and they don't move!

So, thanks everyone for the handy hints and reassurances!

I dont think there is much difference.

Dd1 is 20mo and dd2 is 3 weeks old. It is lovely now that I can walk properly again and really play with dd1. But dd1 is showing a bit of jealousy now.

I give dd1 loads of attention when dd2 is asleep and praise her loads if she kisses dd2 nicely. I also had some toys hidden that she hadnt seen for a long time and bring them out when I feed dd2.

It is a lot easier the 2nd time round though. We are both so relaxed with the baby and you do just get on with it. I cant wait until they are old enough to play together but am loving baby snuggles again.

Good luck

Newborn and toddler without a doubt but then again I have SPD and can hardly move at times.

This is pregnancy no4 for me toddler this time will be 20mo DD3, DD1 is 5 and DD2 is 4.

Things that I find helpful:
get a travel cot, it is somewhere safe to put the baby whilst you go to the toilet, answer the door, put on a washing etc

my babies never had an official bedtime until they were about a year, DP would take the big two up whilst I BF and settled the baby

baths - joint effort, I bathed the baby and brought her downstairs to get ready whilst DP did the big two, if I had to do three on my own, baby in bathed, then big two in toe have a splash about whilst I got baby dressed etc, then baby in travel cot/bouncy chair whilst I got big two sorted

cbeebies - life saver at the start when you are chained to the sofa BFing but you soon develop a feeding routine for the baby that fits around everything else

Make sure your DH/P gets up for the toddlers if you are getting up to feed the baby, you really have to work as a team when you have more than one baby.

Get a good double buggy and get the two of them out most days, park/toddler group/walk around the shops the usual stuff.

Lower your expectations re housework cut corners wherever you can, children don't need a bath every single night, only iron what you really need to