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Girl friendship issue - can best friends be too close?

8 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 23/02/2010 13:31

My DD is 6 and in yr 1. She has been best friends with "X" since X started at their school in reception (DD was already there before in nursery class and the feeder playgroup before that) and going into yr 1 this has turned into a very exclusive sort of friendship. X is a lovely albeit very shy little girl, bright and well behaved which all sounds perfect.

Except my DD who used to have a range of friends and was going on playdates without me with her closest friends when she 3 and in nursery now says she is "too shy" to go to anyone's house (except X's) without me, DD who happily settled at playgroup at 2 1/2 cried and didn't want to go into school all week when X was off sick and insisted on waiting for X outside school in the morning for ages afterwards to make sure she was going to be there. Won't stay at parties on her own anymore (unless X is there). Nagged me for ages to go to ballet classes and then refused to go when I arranged a date because X wouldn't be there, etc.

Basically behaving like a very shy dependent little girl which she didn't used to be but that is how X genuinely is, iykwim.

At parents evening their teacher commented she was concerned by their friendship and said she sometimes found it hard to assess their work as they always worked together.

Anyway I have tried to encourage other friendships by inviting other girls round and DD always gets on fine with them, but then won't go back to their houses which is embarrassing and difficult to explain. X's mother and me (we have become good friends ourselves) have spoken about it and agreed it would be good for them both to be part of a wider circle of friends but I don't think she is as concerned as me because apparently X has always been very timid whereas I see my DD going backwards in terms of confidence and doing stuff.

Is there anything else I can do or is this something that will just have to run its course?

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Doodlez · 23/02/2010 13:37

Hmmmm - this is a new one on me so I don't really know how to advise. I have a 6 year old in Year 2, so I'm trying to imagine what I'd do if this was her and all I can think of is to keep inviting other children around (to dilute the main friendship) and wait it out.

I think going on holiday and meeting new children etc (where there is no chance of friend X being there, so no issue) might restore your DD's confidence.

She's old enough for a little chat about it too I should think.

Flyonthewindscreen · 23/02/2010 14:10

Thanks Doodlez, will try all of these, also am thinking of insisting that DD go to tea with the non X friend who has just invited her as I'm sure she will enjoy herself if she actually gets there..

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MillyMollyMoo · 23/02/2010 15:09

I'd actually agree with inviting lots of other children to your house so within DD's comfort zone and the holiday with kids club, but i find it takes a week to warm up and then by the 2nd week they don't want to leave.

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toodleypip · 23/02/2010 17:48

Hi Kamer,

My sis has this with my niece who is 5, although my niece is very shy, and has made friends with another very shy girl, and they appear to speak very little to anyone but each other.

My sister has become quite concerned about it, because like your DD my niece gets very upset if the other girl isn't in (and she appears to be absent quite frequently).

One thing my sister has done recently is go in and have a word with the teacher. She explained that her DS's shyness was getting worse and affecting many aspects of her social life (parties/extra curricular lessons etc) and could she please pair her with different children for paired/group work. I think it's quite easy for the teacher to pop them together as they are both so shy, rather than encourage them to talk with others. Too early to see if this has worked yet as was only last week.

But maybe a quick word with the teacher might help for you?

Flyonthewindscreen · 23/02/2010 20:02

Thanks yes, I think I might have another word with the teacher about it. However although she (DD and X's teacher) raised it as a concern at parents evening in the autumn she didn't have any suggestions as to how to tackle it .

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mummyflood · 24/02/2010 09:10

Hi, Kamer. Is there more than one class in each year at the school? If so, would it be a possibility for them to be separated when they go into Yr2 or even after Easter? I know this is a way off, but if this is still an issue by then it may be a consideration. In the meantime, I suppose all you can do is encourage other friendships, both inside and outside of school if possible and keep communicating with the teacher if she will let you, with regards to encouraging your DD to work and play with others whenever possible.

If she is concerned that they are always working together and she finds it difficult to mark their work because of this I would be wondering, depending on how many children there are in the class, what she is actually doing to try and resolve this, i.e. do they have free choice who they work with or does she organise this?

Good luck!

ppeatfruit · 24/02/2010 11:06

Children DO change and then grow up and away from certain friends. i would not worry 'cos the more fuss is made the more the girls will want to stick together.

Why aren't children allowed feelings?

Flyonthewindscreen · 24/02/2010 13:36

mummyflood, the school is one form entry so DD and X will be in the same class thoughout primary. I was also about the teacher's comments because as you say she didn't have any ideas on what to do about the situation. Which is why I haven't been back to see her really.

ppeatfruit I don't want to deny DD's obvious bond with X, just dilute it as bit as I'm worried that this friendship is making DD go backwards in terms of confidence and socialising.

Anyway, thanks for everyone's advice.

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