I can,t take anymore of ds's behaviour

[crazedupmom]

He is really getting me down and I am beginning to think that maybe he is just not going to be a nice person he has had me in tears before now as I feel so stressed out with him and very disappointed in my relationship with him.
He is 9 and he seems to have got worse.
He is rude, unhelpful, ungrateful, stubborn, selfish you name it.
He also has a lousy temper and his attitude when I try to explain how his behaviour is coming across is I don,t care.
He is also a whiner and sometimes acts like a big baby I have had a right go at him tonight was using the shower head to wash his hair in the bath and he was complaining it was too cold although I checked and it wasn,t, he was up the other end of the bath on his stomach screeching the place down.
I know that I have probably done too much for him over the years I made him get out of the bath threw a towel at him and told him to sort himself out.
He shouted at me very aggresseively I made him get into bed and he is there sobbing away refusing to go to sleep.
Everything is a battle with him getting him to go to bed, getting him to get up, sometimes not wanting to go to school, he forever complains that there is something wrong with whether it be stomach ache, leg ache, he feels sick and he can be quite relentless with me on this.
An example of piece of bad behaviour was when he had a friend home and I took them to soft play on the way back in the car he was moaning for mcdonalds but I refused as I had already given them tea that he had refused.
He was kicking the back of my seat, throwing his coat at me whilst driving demanding mcdonalds in front of the friend who found it quite funny.
I was embarrased for his sake to be honest.
I spoke to him about it after and said that he had only made himself look silly to which he replied I don,t care.
I take him to football every saturday but he is the only one who ends up inside whining about the cold whilst the others get on with it.
I know I sound really unsympathetic but he is such a baby a whinger and I am beginning to dislike him alot.
He also seems extremely sensitive and takes a joke sometimes the worng way as if he thinks your laughing at him and on one occasion he ran across the room and gave me an almighty shove when I had just innocently laughed at something which he took as laughing at him I treid to explain to him that I wasn,t laughing at him but he just bawled at me that I was.
Please help I have turned out a terrible spoilt brat.
I ttok him to soft play yesterday with a friend and some girl he knew came up and told me he was picking on her I told him off and he replied that he adn,t done anyhting and that he hates the girl and is glad her mom died, this girl lost her mom a few months back.
I have really laid into him for saying that and the usual reply was I don,t care I am glad.
What is wrong with him does he have issues ot what.
I think he is happy at school the teacher says he has lots of friends so why is he like this.

Anybody please he is really getting me down

My DS1 is 16 now but behaved very much like your son at around the same age. It lasted for about 3 years. With hindsight it was just a (long) phase he went through and we just had to wait for it to pass.

He threw the violent tantrums. He once punched me when I was miscarrying. He wanted to join clubs and would go once or twice then moan he was too hot or cold or it was too boring or too hard or the uniform was itchy then he'd mess about and the instructors would complain so he couldn't go back. We once threatened not to take him somewhere because of his behaviour so he was great all day and we thought we'd had a bit of a breakthrough but in the car home he was back to normal again saying "Well, we've been now so I don't have to keep it up."

It's a period of self destruct. He probably doesn't even know why he's doing it himself. It's clearly for attention but he probably doesn't realise that. I think you did the right thing in leaving him to sort the shower out himself. He's 9 so it's not unreasonable to expect him to get himself showered and bathed.

When he complains that he's too ill to go to school say that he has to go but that if he's still unwell at lunch time then to tell his teacher. Talk to the school again and make them aware of what's going on so that they know what to expect at lunch times.

Next time he asks if a friend can over or if a friend can come out with you both say no because of the way he behaved in the car. Explain that it was dangerous and embarrassing. If you do this a couple of times then when you do allow him to have a friend over again he'll appreciate it more.

Stop the football for a couple of weeks. Don't give him any choice in the matter. It may be that he really doesn't enjoy it so will be pleased that he doesn't have to go any more or you might find that he does want to go but was just complaining for attention. If he sees that complaining just ends up with him missing out then he might stop. If he doesn't want to go to back to the football then ask if there's another sport or club he'd prefer.

It sounds like he needs firm but reasonable boundaries and routines. Does he like using the computer or playing computer games? Maybe you could use these to reward good behaviour. So, if he's well behaved then he earns 30mins but bad behavious loses him time.

Do you ever get a break from one another?

It sounds like he needs firm but reasonable boundaries and routines.

Oh dear, you poor thing. Could he have some problems going on you are not aware of? Esp the comments about the little girls' Mum.He sounds v aggressive but I don't have boys that age so no advice as such.

Shoving you is really not on - how did you deal with this at the time?

if it makes you feel any better I minded 3 dos and the eldest seemed to be going through a similar stage (more with his mum) than me. I was always scrupulously fair and he appreciated that. Yr. ds is an only one? perhaps he has low blood sugar levels and he can't cope so it comes out in an antagonistic way.It does sound like he's tired a lot of the time those 2 things combined can make dh grumpy!!

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time with him. He says he doesn't care but if he's crying in his room, he does.

Brilliant advice above. I agree that giving him attention and some control over as many aspects of his life as possible would help - making clear you trust him to do them well. Talk to him like you respect him too. I always notice when I'm behaving badly as a mum - due to external stress or tiredness or illness, because my kids copy my behaviour - getting all emotional and argumentative. We don't think it comes from us but it often does.

Maybe ask his advice on how to improve things. And then choose some of his options. And pick your battles. Make a list of what really bugs you and don't pick him up on stuff that matters less.

A lot of my run-ins with my kids are about my tone of voice. They think I'm cross when I think I'm just being direct. You could ask him how he'd like you to handle it when you have a disagreement, and see if any of his ideas are workable - but make it clear you have responsibility and reasons for your choices. Nearly killing the family by chucking coats at you when you drive won't get him to MacDonald's any quicker and you have the right to be steaming about that behaviour because it's dangerous.

Also - sounds like you need a break more often. A night out with the girls or a day shopping on your own, so that you can get some perspective on his behaviour.

I totally agree with cherys. I have a seven year old he;s not that bad really but i have noticed if I tell him off he takes it personally and feels he has to answer back because I'm challenging him. So I avoid it by bribing him/threatening and not talking about his behaviour as he knows full well he's behaving badly.

He also feels unloved if he's told "in a certain way" so I try to subtly flatter and tell him. I also give him lots of hugs and good attention so that he can't back up his "unloved" statement lol.

If you think how you would like to be treated (no matter how annoying) then I think most would say to be treated nicely. And it makes them feel sooooooooooooo guilty as well even if they don't show it hehe.

Having said that it must be totally annoying being a punchbag and insulted all the time.

If I had a child like that I'd send him to one of those boot camps.

Low blood sugar levels? Going through a stage? He's just told a little girl that he's glad her mother died. He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

If I were you I'd disregard all the touchy feely comments on here and be prepared to accept the truth. Pull yourself together and stop allowing your son to act like that. Who's the adult in the relationship?

I think she has "accepted the truth". She is struggling to control her son and she's asking for help. 20 years ago we'd have suggested she punched him back but we're not allowed to parent like that anymore.

"If I were you I'd disregard all the touchy feely comments on here and be prepared to accept the truth. Pull yourself together and stop allowing your son to act like that." She's trying to "pull herself together" but how do you suggest she stops allowing him to act the way he does?

What he said to that little girl was beyond cruel. If it had been my son he would have been home and in bed quick as a flash and then grounded and had tv and games systems taken away. I can't imagine what could have been going through his head to have made him say such a thing so that probably needs discussing with him.

As for boot camps for 9 year olds. They only exist in telly world don't they?

Hmmm - he sounds like he needs very very clear, firm boundaries and a zero tolerance approach to bad behaviour, particularly physical violence.

I would stop taking him to soft play, I would stop taking him to McDonalds - I would make his life very very basic for a while. School, any sporting activities, playing at home - but no treats or outings. You don't mention screen time - tv and computer games - but I'd cut that right down too. Make him learn how to be bored and how to occupy himself imaginatively. And stop hovering over him - drop him off at football and leave him to it. Tell him to get himself bathed/showered and then leave him to it.

Set boundaries and consequences and stick to them: how much TV he can have a day, how much computer time, when bath time is, when bed time is. Draw up a list of chores for him so that he knows he has responsibilities in the house as well as rights.

I always tackle the teenagers I teach with an air of complete self-belief: I AM in charge here and I WILL expect you to respect my standards and deadlines. Maybe this is what your DS needs to see in you - that you do absolutely expect him to respect you and there will be consequences if he doesn't.

I'm sorry to be direct but he sounds by his behaviour as if he has been spoilt, has a huge sense of self-entitlement and needs to relearn some basic qualities such as patience, kindness and sensitivity.

"He was kicking the back of my seat, throwing his coat at me whilst driving demanding mcdonalds in front of the friend who found it quite funny." tbh if this happened to me I would have turned car around and dropped friend off then gone home and served bread and butter for tea instead.

No-one has a right to treat anyone like this. Why did you take them to McDonalds afetr behaviour like this.

I would be gentle, say I loved him but be clear that that did not allow him to treat me like dirt.

How many 9 year old's really understand what they are saying?
Of course he shouldn't have said that but how many of us 'perfect' adults always think before we speak? He's 9 for goodness sake. It's not touchy feely to try to understand the child.

A lot of adults have low blood sugar issues .

Okay some quite harsh words off people here.
I know that I have probably failed with my parenting skills and I admit to that.
Just to put straight that he didn,t tell the girl directly that he was glad about her mom that comment happened when we got home and I spoke to him to find out why the girl had said he was picking on her, he only said it to me not her, that I feel would have been much worse but his words are still unexcusable.
I didn,t take them to mcdonalds after the episode in the car either.
Yes your right Lion I have spoilt him my mom in particular has always said it.
Sometimes I just think that we don,t always see it but as an outsider looking in you do.
He is very rebellious he doesn,t seem to grasp that ina parent and child relationship its the parents that ultimately have the say he will argue with me, will not back down, and has no respect, and calls me an idiot.
Somewhere along the line I have gone terribly wrong.
I have started getting myself out to work more and leaving him with his dad I think it helps we are together too much and we just clash.
I will try some of your ideas thank you for your understanding

"I didn,t take them to mcdonalds after the episode in the car either." good! I suspect that discussinganything with himis falling on deaf ears. Simple casue and affect wihtout too much discussion might work.

On balance I think Amandoh has the best advice.

yet you haven't gone intentionally 'horribly wrong' in your dealing with him.

You are at a point now where you CAN and WILL be able to make a stand, and be stronger. He is testing you, and you need to take back the total control. he knows better, I am sure, at nine. He is being a silly boy, and you should stop any treats, and explain to him that it is not on.

You just need the tools, and the strength to do it.!!

I take on everything everyone has said and I am sooooooooooo gonna get flamed for this but whatever lol.

(I would also say my kids have a dad who is really strict on them.)

HAPPINESS IS INFECTIOUS

Yes ground him - then sit down and do an activity with him.

Next time he punches you pick up a pillow and hit him back! To my knowledge nobody has ever been harmed by a pillow fight and I guarantee you will both be laughing in five minutes. Its a safe way for you both to let off steam and bond at the same time.

I give them a generous amount of pocket money and then lower it if thy are naughty.

Supposing he is suffering from low self esteem or depression, boot camp type activities are not going to help that much.

I am not suggesting being a wuss I am suggesting diffusing his anger and rage with hhumour - why force a fight or a confrontation when you can make a joke and get what you want without forcing him into submission.

I would also suggest vitamins as they won't hurt and if he is deficient in something they will help his behaviour.

There are ways you can show him who is boss without forcing it down his throat. I have a friend who punishes and punishes her child (slightly older) to no effect because she;s missing the point that her kid already thinks shes total rubbish and her mother just reinforces her bad opinion of herself (although her motives are good)

Yes his behav iour is out of order, however there are other options out there than just pushing and punishing and punishing as it can be counterproductive. As someone once said to me sandwich your criticism between two compliments. That advice has NEVER hurt me so far.

YES YES mixedrace parents BRILLiant!!