Help my DS1 find his 'niche'

[misshardbroom]

DS1 is 5 (reception year at school). He's my middle child, and as such, there's a tendency for him to be overlooked (not by us, at least I hope not, but by other people).

He's physically quite tall for his age and not especially coordinated, so is constantly tripping over or getting all his school bags in a muddle. He also suffers from a phobia related to certain clothing, so he often looks uncomfortable in his clothes, iykwim.

He is quite a deep-thinking child who is fairly easily upset or given nightmares by things he sees / hears. He isn't into all the Ben10 / Doctor Who / Star Wars type games that boys in his class play, so often gravitates towards playing with the girls. He does have friends amongst the boys but if they're off doing typically boys' stuff, he's often left behind.

I think he's quite bright, he grasps concepts very quickly and asks insightful questions. But he seems to be making slow progress at school and is reluctant to read and learn his key words at home. I know some Home Ed parents will probably be reading, and yes... in many ways he would benefit from Home Ed, but it's just not an option for us financially.

My DD(6) and DS2(3) are both much more extrovert and also look like each other, and increasingly they are the two who seem to get the interest / interaction from people. I was talking to his head teacher about him being very quiet in school and she said 'well DS1 isn't really a child you'd notice', which just made me want to cry.

I know that DS1 is very young, at 5, to find his place in the world, but I think it would do wonders for his self-esteem if he had something that he did which was 'his thing'. He goes swimming which he likes, but is making slow progress, and I've tried sending him to an after school sports club but he doesn't particularly enjoy it and says he's rubbish at it. He is fascinated by animals and I've considered getting him a pet. He also loves stories and has a real facility with language, so I think something in the drama line might suit him, but although I've found a couple of classes, the logistics of getting him there just don't work.

He's a very well-behaved, affectionate little boy but I can see his sense of self worth and confidence beginning to wobble and I really want to help him.

Can anyone give me any helpful suggestions?

I think, if you can, you need to try lots of stuff and see what sticks. Ds loves stagecoach which is good on the drama, dance, singing front. Re playing with girls - I wouldn't worry too much about that - ds is 6 (in yr2) and still plays largely with the girls (not helped by the fact girls outnumber boys in the year!). He has some male friends but has only recently got into Star Wars (and doesn't really know what Ben10 is!). Your ds is still v. young and they change so much (as you must know having got two others!). As long as he is happy and progressing thats the main thing...

I agree with Blackduck, let him try different activities and see which he prefers.

My DC do horse riding lessons, which they have both really loved - they both love animals.DD is very confident, whereas DS is less confident, particularly in new surroundings, but this has really boosted his confidence, as they progress at their own speed and get a real sense of achievement.

DS is 7 DD is 5 - they have been having lessons for about 8 months now.

I had horses myself as a child but only now do I understand why my mum used to worry so much about me riding!

But I have been wondering about getting him a rabbit. However, although we live in an urban area, we back onto a heath, and it's Urban Fox Central round here.

I think BlackDuck is absolutely right about it being fine as long as he's happy. Problem is, I'm not convinced he is a very happy little man at the moment.

Okay, just a thought, is he not happy because you are not happy - you have mentioned he isn't like the other two, are YOU over worrying about how different he is and he is picking up on that IYSWIM?

yes, this is a distinct possibility. There was a really interesting documentary a few years back about whether 'middle child syndrome' is born or made, and it's a question that I often consider. I think I'm guilty of amplifying the issues that are there... for complicated and sad reasons I've always worried about him and how people relate to him.

He was born a matter of weeks after some close friends in our social circle had a stillbirth. Please don't misjudge me, I don't underestimate how hellishly awful this was for my friends. But none of our other friends knew how to deal with it and responded by completely ignoring DS1's birth out of respect for our bereaved friends. As a hormonal post-partum mother, it made me feel as though nobody liked or welcomed my baby and that I shouldn't have him.

Even 5 years down the line this can still make me cry, and so no, I don't doubt that this affects how I respond to the situations that he faces now.

How about an art class? My DD who is 5 goes to an after school art class where there are just 5 children and a teacher and makes or paints something every week. She adores it. There are two boys in the class and three girls, so it is not a girly thing.

Oh MHB how awful...

So maybe there is something in that, you being oversensitive to any 'rejection'? Ask him what he might like to do? BTW my ds is not into football or all those more 'boys' games and things. He goes swimming, does stagecoach, is learning spanish and the piano (the spanish is with his bestest friend - a girl and the piano is because dp comes from a musical family). we tried karate - big no, and football - just not interested. I worry that he doesn't have more male friends, but have come to the conclusion that is MY worry, not his...!

Like Bonsoir's idea of finding something small groupish for him to do.

Animal route - what about a hamster (not fox fodder then!)

How about a musical instrument? Lessons can be pricey but there are ways of doing it more cheaply - you can rent instruments from shops for very little now for a start.

Thanks for all your kind words and helpful suggestions. I've asked him what he might like to do and he thinks he'd like Beavers (mixed boys & girls) but he can't start that until he's 5.9, so beginning of Y1 for him. I started the piano at about his age, but we haven't got space for one so if we went down the musical instrument route it would need to be something quite a lot more portable! Anyway, thanks again & I will give it some thought, along with trying to relax and not worry about him too much .

Beavers?

drama classes?

judo/karate etc?

computer classes?

dance classes?

Do you think your child might be highly sensitive? There's loads about it online.. Check out hsp.com. I've been reading up quite a lot about it lately as it describes my daughter (and myself) very well. Remember it's not a problem, but a temperament that needs a little considerate handling..

Reading The Highly Sensitive Child might help you to help your son find "his niche"..

Just a thought..