Told my toddler is "passive" and feel guilty

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I have 2 children, eldest just 2 and younger daughter 9 mo. Most of the women I know have one child and I now think that is a bit of a walk in the park compared to two very small children. I met up with a couple of ladies to walk in the local park and I can't remember how/why it was said but one of them said how my children were always quite passive. Maybe just a wrong turn of phrase but that along with FIL repeatedly saying since seeing them at Xmas that 2 yr old is bored and now the doctor coming to the hosue this morning (My elder daughter has been on and off with an ear infection for the last 3 weeks) and commenting on how both children appeared nervous/worried at a new face. I know I don't go out enough with the 2 of them normally and recently ear infection and bad weather has made that worse. I just find logistics difficult and my resilence low with 2 children so don't go to as many toddler groups as I should. Part of me feels that women 30 yrs ago didn't endlessly go to toddler groups - they just got on with chores and stuff in the house and the kids got on around them but I also feel that people are saying I am a bad mother - my children are lack life and energy (not like that at home or with people they know). All of this is not helped by my husband and I being quite socially isolated - no friends or family nearby and I have not made proper friends where we have lived for the last 18 mo. Whenever I do have anyone over for lunch and for children to play a bit I feel a little anxious as to how much 2 yr old DD interacts and whether people are judging me for her being reserved (again part of me wants to say just leave her be). She does go to a nursery 2 mornings a week and that is going up to 3 mornings from next week and I am also resolving to go to a toddler group one other morning and try to have someone round for lunch the other day (I am intending to also go to a baby group with 9mo on one of the days toddler is at nursery.

Older DD is not speaking much and will wwhisper when strangers are around - I am not sure it is fair to talk about children bbeing confident/not confident at this age bbut I am getting messages from other people tthat I am not doing a very good job. Both mmy husband and I are chronically tired and cand count on the fingers of one hand the decent night's sleep we have had in the last y2 yrs.

I am struggling to do new things with 2 yr old DD as I need to also be with baby so when we are at home we spend a lot of time in the sitting room and increasingly some in the kitchen.

Just want words of encouragement/experience.

I didn't want to let this go without replying but DS is mithering for attention so just to let you know that it sounds tough being isolated but it you're tired etc. you may be reading too much into things?

Forget about it. It was said in passing and the person who said it forgot about it 5 mins after saying it (and would probably feel terrible if she knew that it has upset you).

Some children are more confident than others, it is just the way they are. Same as some adults are more confident.

You can boost their confidence by praising them when they do something well and by letting them be secure in your love for them.

Your DD1 is already going to nursery two mornings, that is absolutely fine. Don't feel you should be going out all the time.

If you find a nice group to go to then there is the chance that you will make friends there and it will become less of a chore.

hi

i would say to you to ignore those who are commenting as they are likely just saying something/anything in order to have something negative to say. i found that when i took my DD to playgroups we had comments that Dd was 'very stern' etc i ignored as they have no idea what they are talking about due to them only seeing my DD for 1hour once a week some people tend to make (in their opinion) negative comments as they like to make others feel bad whilst making their children look better it sounds as if you are doing a great job and it is definitely not easy caring for two under 3 (i only have one and even i know that)

where do you live? does your area have a surestart childrens centre? they often run mixed age group mornings where you might be able to make some new friends and get out and about more

Thing that strikes me about your post is that you sound very lonely.

It is true that women 30 years ago did not drag their kids to toddler groups, but a lot was different thirty years ago. Cities were smaller, communities were more tight-knit, more women were at home with children, so more children around in the day time, playing out, chatting with neighbours etc.

I think it would be good for both you and your children to be out more. You say you have not made any friends the last 18 months, but that is what toddler/baby groups are for! You dont have to do something every day! Variety is good. Even just a trip to the park, a trip to the library combined with some shopping. Even going to a cafe and let your kids have a fruit snack or bun could be a treat, while you chill with a cuppa.

I doubt there is anything wrong with your kids, they just have a quiet life, mostly at home. I think it would be good for you too, to get out a little!

And you are not a bad mum for mostly staying home with your children. I do suppose you stimulate them, play, do arts and crafts, and not ONLY let them hang out on their own while you do chores?

Fwiw if someone described my child as passive I wouldnt take it as an offensive comment, I would just take it that they mean they are calm, content kids. Ds is much more likely to be described as hyper and tbh that sometimes is harder to take!

She goes to nursery 2 days a week - thats fine. However, I think for YOUR sake you should get out and about more. Doesnt have to be organised things even just soft play / walk in teh park / feeding the ducks etc and just resolve to talk to other mums etc (if thats what you want).

I can GUARANTEE there will be loads of other mums near you in the same position. I was when ds was little, I knew no-one. You just have to get out and appear confident even if you dont feel it.

Also, you didnt say anything to those other mothers about having one child being easy did you? (sure you didnt) but just thinking that could be why they said your kids were passive.

I only have one ds, he is 3 but (and i know I am biased) in some ways he is much harder work than my sister's 2 kids because he is just into everything and always has been etc. Her kids are much more, well....passive and I do envy her that but then when she has 2 sick kids and I have 1 I feel her pain so no-one has it easy really.

You sound very fed up and none of you sound as if you are having much fun! I wouldn't put any store at all by all those comments, but I would have a bit of think about how you can reorganise your life so that you have more fun.

Rather than sending your DD to nursery for an extra session, could you have a babysitter in to the house instead so that you can go out without either of your children? I'm sure that would do you the world of good - even if it is only to mooch round a bookshop or a cosmetics counter for an hour or so! Or ditch nursery altogether, get a nanny/mothers help in for a full day once a week and have a day to yourself?

It's important to do things without children in tow sometimes.

thank you everyone and yes I know I need to go out more - I was much more out and about with one - went on the train/bus and did stuff but I find managing to do lots of things with 2 really really hard and I know I have to change my mindset as I will always find excuses not to do things.

I guess passive just sounds so negative - and FIL is a pain in the rear end all of the time (don't get me started on MIL!).

We do play and do things together and sing and paint and stuff - again maybe not as much arts and crafts as I should.

My comment about 30 yrs ago is exactly what the person said I don't have a support network and hence it is me every day and it is much harder than having someone who can pop in and say hello.

2 children under 2 (for me) is much harder than one

It sounds like you're worrying unnecessarily! your dcs are just babies! Most children have limited language at just 2. My DS1 took off with his at 2 1/2, but still now at 4 1/2 he is quite shy, but he will talk if people talk to him about buses. DS 2 is also shy, but is happy to be around other people once he's got to know them. All people are different and that includes children too.

When your friend described your daughter as passive perhaps she meant calm, which must be a good thing if that's what she meant. It sounds like she's busy enough to not be bored, and anyway IME 2 year olds are pretty good at entertaining themselves. No disrespect to you FIL but does he really see them enough to make a judgement? Or perhaps he was implying that she seems very bright?

As for going to groups and stuff, I know it can be very hard getting out of the house (DS 3 is 3 mo). I go to the groups for me as much as for them (change of scene, adult company etc) so perhaps if you strengthen your resolve and go to things, you might feel a little less isolated. Or if you want to stay at home then it's up to you! Relax and stop worrying! It sounds like you're doing a good job

If you find just making chit-chat hard, like I do, then going to a toddler group where you join in with your dcs doing an activity is a good idea like messy play or tumbletots.

It's one of the curses of motherhood that you feel guilty whatever you do! I work from home, have done since before I had my 2 sons, and just took 12 weeks maternity leave with each. So I was never able to do the whole playgroup / mother & toddler group thing, and my health visitor used to go on and on about how I should, which used to drive me up the wall! But I spent all day with my boys, worked round them, and it worked fine for us. DS1 was very quiet and shy but that's just how he is - I'm the same! DS2 is a total livewire. DS1 started nursery a couple of mornings a week at 3, as he wasn't ready before then, and DS2 started at 2. Now they're 6 and 3, DS1 is really happy at school, gets on great with other children, and DS2 is loving nursery. They don't seem to show any ill effects from me neglecting to give them a social life when they were small! The other thing to bear in mind is, if you watch children before the age of about 3 playing, they tend to play alongside each other rather than with each other. Don't beat yourself up - it sounds like you're a great, really caring mum.

Oh you sound so upset by this I just wanted to add my support.

Please don't worry - you sound like you are doing more than enough with them and I agree with you about the endless toddler/ music groups. Our Mums never did this and we are ok...

I think you sound like you are doing brilliantly, please ignore the comments!

Thank you again - I think some of the toddler group stuff is the managing 2 children at very different stages - so 2 yr old wants help onto the slide in the play area and 9 mo needs to crawl and move about and it's the stress (for me) of handling having eyes on both at the same time and the whole palaver of 2 children.

I am quite sensitive at the mo as with ear infection and bad weather I feel I am just getting through the days and I need a kick up the backside. Other people's children seem to come into my house and they are into everything and picking everything up and seem much more active - I see where MadamDeathstare is coming from.

FIL just wants to be a pain.

I know husband and I just let the weekends drift by and don't do enough because we find it all a bit hard going.

Please try to arrange to have some time off for you. You really need it (and maybe someone else will have the energy that you need to remuster to enthuse your children).

thank you again - I know about the time off - even having one on my own is good - and then I feel guilty because I feel I am pushing elder daughter away - either to nursery or constantly saying "in a minute, don't do that, etc etc" My husband is fantastic but he is knackered so asking him to have the kids on his own at the weekend is not fair.

Luckily I have my fabulous friend coming for 2 days this evening and I know she will lift my spirits (really low as daughter awake 12.30am til 5am last night due to recurrence of ear infection) and we did not realise so were a bit stern trying to get her back to bed.

When ds was that age I hated taking ds to other people's house as he just touched EVERYTHING. I bet the other parents are just concentrating on their own kids thinking 'why wont my child behave?' and feeling inadequate.

i think it's totally normal to just let weekends drift by without achieiving much when you have two small dc, tbh. but having just moved house to somewhere we know nobody, i know where you're coming from with the isolation etc (tho you say you are having playdates etc than i guess you have got to know some mums). worth remembering this is a crappy time of year with small kids - raining too much to want to go out all the time, you can really get cabin fever especially if they're ill.
sounds like part of it might be the struggle to entertain both of them while the baby is still too young to play properly with dd? cant help you there as we just have ds but have a look at some of the two under two threads if you haven't already for inspiration.
as for the passivity - wondering what were you and dh like as children? if you were/are quite quiet, reserved types then it is entirely normal that your ddd might be the same.

My ds1 was described as passive too,hes now 16 in a whirlwind of activity studying 4 A levels....dont feel guilty.

He also didnt speak til he was 4 and was always shy behind ds2 who was and still is the life and soul of any party.

I think the person who said your children were passive was a little bit thick and actually meant placid. As in chilled out and happy.

Agree you sound a little lonely though, it is tough trying to make new friends with little ones.
Has your gp thought about referring you to ENT for the ear infections?
Might be something that can be easily sorted, also if there are recurrent ear infections, your child could just be feeling under the weather/not able to hear as much as normal which would affect how active they are?

I had glue ear as a child with frequent infections and was very quiet until it was fixed. I made up for it afterwards though.

This article may be of interest/comfort to you, OP

women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article7028048.ece

erm, i see it as a good thing that your DD is not, like many other toddlers,running around hitting other kids, taking toys and generally being a menace. (my dd does at least one of these things..)

your toddler is shy. that is not a disease - it is a personality trait. Quite an endearing one. It takes all sorts of kids, and i think you are actually doing lots of good work at socialising her

children talk when they are ready too - frustrating though that is (and it is also for me, and i do know how hard it is when you hear someone elses LO utter a full sentence and you realise....they are the same age) it is just how they are, there is a support thread on 'development' somewhere... it is not down to parenting.

It is difficult when they DC are so close in age. Don't be shy to ask for help though. If your 2yo needs help then ask one of the other mothers to give her a hand while you see to the baby.

If it helps, mine are just over two years apart and the first 6 months were really hard but after that it gradually got easier.

When DS was old enough to play with his big sister, it got even easier still. Now they are 5yo and 7yo and they play so well together. Yesterday they were in the playroom for well over an hour without a peep out of them.

Playroom looked like a bomb had hit it but they were happy.