please please talk me down!

[becstarlitsea]

Venting, totally illogically furious. I need to get some semblance of sanity back having just totally lost my temper with my 3.5yo. It's just the constant, constant arguing
Me - DS, do you want blackcurrant or apple with your lunch?
DS - But Mum I didn't want tomatoes
Me - There isn't tomatoes on yours, what do you want to drink?
DS - But Mum, I wanted carrots
Me - There are carrots on yours, now what do you want to drink?
ALL FLIPPIN' DAY! And particularly today.

He ignores what I say completely and just argues with some other fictional thing that I might have said or he just ignores me full stop. So just now I asked if he wanted help opening a cereal bar. He acted like I hadn't spoken. So I left it and went for a wee. While I'm on the loo 'Mummy! Mummy! MUMMMMMEEEEE!' I come back, and he grunts "Open this."
"DS I'll open it when I've washed my hands and when you say please and ask nicely"
I go back to wash my hands
Come back, he's tipped his lunch and drink all over the floor and says 'It's your fault, you didn't help me.' I lost it. He is still in time out for his own protection (btw just in case people take that the wrong way, I have never and would never smack him - I just mean I don't want to scream blue murder at him when it's not appropriate)

Most people in RL I talk to are completely unhelpful - they just say 'Oh, they're all like that' when they aren't, they really aren't. Or even worse 'Just you wait til he's a teenager' (I swear the next person who says that, I'm going to rip out their spleen and feed it to a rat - so helpful to tell me that all I have to do is wait ten years and then my life will be worse - gee thanks...)

My Mum helped in her own weird way by saying 'Blimey but he's just like you were." I said "How did you cope?" She said 'I became addicted to tranquilisers, came off them and had a nervous breakdown. It was ever so quiet in the unit...' Funnily enough that reassured me that I'm not a failure for being so wound up.

Help me, help me, (whimpers) I don't want to scream at him again today.

Sounds like he's being infuriating and I totally understand you wanting to scream at him - I probably would have done.

He's old enough to know he shouldn't tip his lunch etc on the floor, so if he was mine, he would not get anything else to eat until dinner, plus he would have to clear it up (may not be old enough to clear it properly but I would make him deal with the consequences of his actions).

Mine went through a stage of ignoring me, so I adopted a simple policy of only asking them twice. If after the second time, they didn't answer, I didn't ask again and they either missed out or I decided for them. So, if I was asking if they wanted water or milk to drink, I asked them once, then the second time, said this is the last time I ask, then I'll decide. If still no answer, I would choose water. If they objected later, they were told it's tough, you had your chance to choose but you ignored me.

Then when it gets too much, lock yourself in the loo with a book for 5 minutes and take deep breaths.

Thank you for replying! He's out of time out now and playing quietly to let Mummy calm down. Phew.

Locking myself in the loo - he just shouts through the door. He doesn't stop talking. During the night if I walk past his room I can hear him talking to his bears in bed. At 5.30am the chattering starts getting louder and at 5.45am it turns to "MUMMMEEEEE! IT"S WAKING TIME!" "No it's not DS, go back to sleep." "The people over there have got their lights on. So it's waking time. They're up." Like being pushed onstage at a debating society in your pyjamas and then engaged in a marathon debate until bedtime...

It's just constant. And all the talk that is directed at me is either arguing, or directions of what job to do next.

Gah! I am calming down a bit now. But I just don't know how I'm going to sustain my calm for the whole of half term!

I know it won't help, but my brother was a real chatterbox like that. Mum says he opened his mouth as soon as he woke up and didn't close it again until he was asleep. It is now hard to get more than 3 words at a time out of him. I think he must have used them all up!

and at your mum's comment.

My DD is a lot like this. I'm very good at ignoring her too though

If she continues being argumentative as in your example above, I just wander off and don't reply....

If she has a strop I ignore that too. And I use time out too. And afterwards when she's calmed down we talk about what happened and why.

I make sure she gets lots of attention when she's being reasonable and polite.

Not sure. DH has told DS every morning to be 'gentle with Mummy today, she's not very well' (minor ailment atm which is probably affecting my patience...). DS nods, smiles, then jumps on me shouting 'LOVE YOU MUMMY!' He means well, but I don't think he fully understands the following words/concepts:
quiet
gentle
softly
slowly
obedient
rest

Yeah, my Mum keeps it real
My older sisters just laugh and mutter 'karma, my dear, pure karma' when they see him (they have three kids and four kids respectively. They got quiet kids, dammit.). And it is karma. This is what I put my poor mother through. Now I'm reaping the DNA we sowed...

Oh, I am sorry but I had to laugh at your feeding spleens to rats and your mother.

Poor you. It must be really exhausting.

He sounds really bright

Is he starting school this year then? I found that the 6 months before mine started school were the worst as they just had too much going on in their heads and not enough to do with all that energy.

Does it help if you get him physically tired out?

Can you tell I was teetering on the edge MmeLindt ? Did the rats give it away?

Yes, he's bright. And kind, and funny, and when I have the energy and sanity to see it, I think 'what a delightful little boy we've got'. Then he says 'But Mum why?' and I think 'AAAARGH!'

He's started FT (9-3.30pm) at the nursery of our local state primary and he was so much better - he'd been driving me mad before he went. They follow the same curriculum as Reception so he's starting to read etc. He was an angel through Jan & Feb, (having started in Jan) now it's half term and I'm at my wits end again. I think he does need that extra stimulation that school gives. He is better if I get him tired, but as I'm not very well at the moment and he normally has a lot more energy than me anyway. So when I try to get him tired, he's usually just 'cranky-tired' when I'm 'knackered-tired'!

When I'm a bit better I'll take him swimming - that always helps...

I was laughing so much while reading your OP. sorry.

Like being pushed onstage at a debating society in your pyjamas and then engaged in a marathon debate until bedtime...

Best thing I have read for weeks.

S'okay MmeLindt - I'm at the 'look back and laugh' stage now myself! I had a large slice of madeira cake and a cup of tea, vented my rage to you guys and feel quite rational now.

Wonder if my Mum would have needed the tranquilisers if t'interweb had been around when she had me? Or maybe she should have just had more cake... the cake definitely helped...

ha-ha, well, I shouldn't complain. I just managed to get rid of her for 2 hours, and I have just found some chocolate leftover from Christmas!!

PMSL - that could have been me with my 5yr old twins, and now when I talk to them sometimes they will ignore me as if I was not there - especially when we are trying to get of the house. So get their attention I ask very quietly if they would like some chocolate / ice cream (please fill in approprately) its amazing what they can hear when they want to.

We play the quiet game - the first one to talk loses.

Finally in total desperation I will say in a sargent major voice - Hands in the air, one hand across mouth, other hand across hand only to be removed if you will listen.

I hope you don't mind, I have nominated you for the Quote of the Week.

And I agree that you are giving him too much choice. 'Here is your blackcurrant juice, I will open it for you' and then just ignore his protests as he ignores yours.