Bossy 6yo dd- help!!

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

Help! My dd (6) is incredibly bossy. She is the eldest of my 3 dc, and I don't know if that has something to do with it. She is very demanding, always trying to organise me into doing things she wants to do, even getting her little sis (4) to come to me with ideas and "could we.."s that I know came from dd1. If I say, well, not just now, because I need to do x, she will come up with a suggestion about how I could do x later/ tomorrow, and do what she wants first! It drives me insane, and I refuse to give in to her demands/ wants, preferring to do the activity when I decide, and when she isn't expecting it. She is always reminding me about things, ("now mum, remember I have PE tomorrow!" etc)even though I am actually reasonably organised, and have never forgotten anything important.

My annoyance tonight, though, has come from the way she affects her little sis. dd2 is a fairly independant little thing, although a bit lazy- so it doesn't help to encourage her to do things for herself when she has her overbearing big sis doing everything for her, even though I have told dd1 time and again to let dd2 try doing things herself. dd1 even tries to "teach" dd2 things she has learned at school, in the voice and manner of a schoolteacher, which often ends with dd2 very frustrated and upset. I do intervene, but I like the kids to develop their own play, and I know it goes on. Topnight I got mad because after collectiing dd2 from nursery (had to tell dd1 no, she couldn't go in and see what dd2 was doing and interrupt the session!!) the teacher asked me to come in some day and read out one of dd2's favourite books to the group. Immediately dd1 starts coming out with suggestioons of books I should read. I try to ask dd2 what book she would like me to read, but dd1 butts in to tell her little sis what books she (dd2) likes!!! Now dd2 has lost interest, and doesn't know what book she would like, as dd1 has confused her totally and rendered her incapable of thinking about it!

Sorry it's so long!! HOW can I get my bossy dd1 to butt out?? I can imagine she is bossy with her friends at school (she is always inventing games and secret clubs) and I'm worried her friends will get fed-up with her too. I have tried to talk about it with her, and she understands in principle, but just can't seem to help herself!! HELP!

Anyone?

Well..I know you love her otherwise you wouldn't care so I can say this but feel very lucky to have such a bright articulate 6 year old. This is simply what some 6 year olds do..being Teacher for example..very typical play..suggesting things to her younger siblings...once again, she is trying to be helpful and teach them.

Do you feel so cross and have it in your head that she is a bossy girl that it is hard to see her differently?

That's a tough question, I know...

When she reminds you about things...say well done, Yes..Thanks..I've done that. If you get cross, imagine it the other way round. You remind her about something and she snaps your head off because she doesn't need reminding!!!I think you'd have something to say to her then!! I know I would

Keep calm and casual when she takes charge and say gently...GENTLY!!...,"I tell you what, sweetie...That's a good idea but we have to let your sister choose because it is her choice"

Give her a chance to earn your praise rather than annoyance and if you'd like her to allow the other children to be independant in something...let's say putting on shoes...give THEM a sticker chart for shoe putting on and then say to your eldest, don't forget, sweetie, she needs to do it herself to get her sticker! Why don't you come here and help me instead!"

She must be encouraged to stay helpful but channel it differently whilst knowing that you love the way she is so kind...

Ban the word BOSSY...Imagine it is as bad as saying the F word to her and don't allow yourself to use it...Smile at it and don't let it rile you. She isn't meaning to annoy you but I can see how it can be annoying having a 6 year old other Mum around.

You are right- she is a very loving sister to her younger siblings, and she LOVES being praised by me I think you hit it on the head when you say she wants to be "mum"- she does seem to want to be me, which should be flattering, as she obviously looks up to me, but I am getting irritated and being a crotchety old cowbag! She probably is just trying to help me and her siblings- she is soo excited about dd2 going to school this summer, so she can look after her

Thanks for helping me to see her as the over-zealous caring child she is, rather than the annoying bossy madam I have been perceiving her as!! I will try to be a bit more tolerant!

Mrspoppins - I've read two of your posts tonight and I reckon you're Supernanny in disguise!!!.
Jooly - there's a little girl (8) at DDs school like this and she's also one of three. In actual fact, I thought you were her mum to start with . This little girl, we think, does it to show she has some power over her mother and is pehaps feeling as though her nose has been put out of joint slightly by DCs 2 & 3. She's kind of saying "look at me, I'm still here". Ditto every Mrs P says and also perhaps take your DD1 on a little shopping trip when she's been good and just have some time just the two of you. You might find that if she knows she still 'has' you she'll calm down a bit. We did this with our DD (she wasn't being bossy but was being mean to her DS). I took her for tea and cakes and for a shopping trip to get hair bobbles etc - she loved it.

Girls of this age or thereabouts are always bossy wee madams.

She's just modelling her teacher and her mother

Thanks, luciemule- dd1 does seem to prize her time with me, which is hard to get now she is at school, and seems to have parties to attend every blummin weekend. I was thinking maybe we could go to a cafe or the cinema or something, but she is actually so fair-minded she would probably insist dd2 be allowed to come too! If she has a biscuit etc when the others are not there, she makes sure I am reminded to give them one too later!

But I do need to take more time out, even just to praise her pictures etc- she loves to do things to "show" me, so I think the idea that she wants me to "look at her" is not far off the mark. recently we had friends with bigger girls to stay and dd1 was really sad, because they thought dd2 was "cute" and babied ds and dd1 felt a bit snubbed. At the time I (unkindly ) put it down to the fact that she didn't like not being the one in charge, the eldest, but I see now that she has developed that as her "identity", while still needing to be seen as the individual (and sweet!) little girl she actually is.

I feel a bit bad now, actually, but I'm glad I asked!

Shitemum- bossy??!! Moi?? Surely that's part and parcel of being Mum?!

I hope I didn't make you feel bad Jooly? - I was just thinking about how my own DD acts/behaves and although I always saw it 'being naughty to DS' it was actually being naughty to DS because I want mummy to spend more time with just me.
You don't need to go out necessarily; perhaps just sitting together one evening when DS and DD2 have gone to bed (DD1 will like staying up later) and looking at her baby photo album together or something.
My DD feels quite neglected by me sometimes (DS2 is quite a handful) but says she loves hearing about her birth and just having a face massage makes her happy.

Glad you feel reassured. I do this for a living. We are all in the same boat. I have masses of experience now but didn't have when my 17 year old was little and learned the hard way...there was no internet then!!!

luciemule lol I was doing it well before Jo Frost came along...just she made more money out of it!!! Typical!!! xx

No luciemule- you didn't make me feel bad! It's been good to get a different perspective on it. After all, in the grand scheme of things it is easier to change my behaviour than to change hers!!! You are right- she does like staying up with me and being told about when she was a baby! Thanks for the ideas ladies!

Aww bless her!! Sounds a little like my dd and she is only 4 and a half!!

My dd is an only child, but she has always been, shall we say, on the ball I am also incredibly forgetful but I do have half a million things to remember or at least it feels like it!!!

it does wind my dh up, but I do like it in a way. She is very loving and always looks out for me and her friends as I do her.

She will ask me what have I forgotten today which always makes me laugh as she will say it in such a matter of fact way! I actually make a game of it now and it seems to be not as bad .... either that or my memory is improving with my little helper
just before school we run through what we need and it does help or I will forget something or other!! Same at bed time too, or she won't sleep. I have to go through what we did/took etc and if I forgot anything say silly mummy and I usually get told to remember tomorrow lol!!

It sounds like you get on great!