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Original poster

Mother and Son - what is the secret?

70 replies

koalabear · 11/07/2005 09:14

I am not sure if this topic has been done before - I couldn't find it in the archives.

I have a 15 month old son, and on the quest to try and do the best I can, have been observing womens' relationships with their adult sons. It seems to me that, in the extended circle of my family and friends, not many adult men have a good relationship with their mother .... not many men "respect" their mothers .... it seems to me that they "tolerate" them. In my own little world of research when I asked men about this, some answers indicated that this is sometimes due to being closeted as a child and not allowed freedom to grow into a man, or because the son felt like he was controlled and manipulated.

Horrified at the prospect of being "tolerated" by my son for the rest of his life, or worse, resented even, but still wanting to provide boundaries and guidelines, I wonder if anyone has either observed a good relationship between mother and son, or indeed have a good relationship between mother and son, and if so, what do you think is the basis for that good relationship?

OP posts:

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Tortington · 12/07/2005 23:48

bizarre indeed. i absolutley aspire to a full child free life.

wheresmyfroggy · 12/07/2005 23:49

There's nothing better on a cold day then a pair of pants and socks straight off the ironong board

JoolsToo · 12/07/2005 23:50

froggy! you wuss!

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting

wheresmyfroggy · 12/07/2005 23:51

You obviously haven't tried it jools

JoolsToo · 12/07/2005 23:53

my pants are already hot

wheresmyfroggy · 12/07/2005 23:54

pmsl

Touche

redsky · 13/07/2005 00:12

Fascinating thread!! Lots to think about - and plenty of grounds for worry!! I do wonder what kind of relationship I'll have with ds (now 17 and no specific girlfriend as far as we know) once he has a partner - and will I like her???? And vv???

I don't worry about dd in the same way. We share such a lot together, as I do with my mum, and I can't imagine that changing.

kgc · 13/07/2005 00:21

Even tho my DS is still only very young (the tender age of one I think that this is a thread to think about.....I have three other girls and my son is far more sensitive than the girls and even tho I love them all equally...he had some problems at birth and then caught phnuemonia and have worried about him since constantly and have pandered to his every whim more than them.....I do hope I am not setting myself up for the future as a door mat to him....!!!!

micha26 · 13/07/2005 00:40

kgc - I do understand you very well. If a child has problems at birth or is very ill in early days, it seems natural that you worry more about him than about the other children, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you are treating your daughters and son generally different, does it?

On the general topic however: I'm male and I don't have a good relationship with my mother at all. I will support her as long as I live, but I don't like many things about her, which doesn't mean that I don't respect her. The relationship with my mother has never influenced any of my relationships to other women. I treat my wife with all due respect, but I do resent my mother very many times.

I'm quite sure also that not every mother is a good mother, just as not every father is a good father. Also, I don't think that my wife has to put up with any bitch-like behavior of her MIL.

Furthermore, on the general topic on mother-son relationships: Since it seem still to be the prevailing situation that mothers are raising the children, it is definitely worthwile thinking about how much influence you have as a mother on forming the future generation of husband material and fathers. I personally think you do have big influence...

kgc · 13/07/2005 00:46

Thanks for the post micha26 it is good to hear a mans point of view on this thread from a sons perspective and I would likewise think from all who threaded would think so as well.....

Chandra · 13/07/2005 01:13

I don't know if this would help the discussion but the figure of the sacrosanct-object-of-veneration mother is very common in my family. My male cousins worship their mothers, having said that most of them have been raised as princes while the female cousins and mothers do all the work for them. Thanks gawd I only have sisters and my father declared himself a feminist when he realised he was to be the only male of the household (pure laziness of his part TBH )

I am sure that at least a couple of my cousins have never made a bed in their life. They worship their mothers over their wives and the MIL figure is sacred, forget about saying something nasty about the MIL, you will be shot down in flames.

Having said that my DH had until recently a very good relationship with his mother, she allowed him lots of independence while he was growing up, everybody in the house had a chore to do even since they were very small children, they had an excellent level of communication though the mother was so near that the father was sometimes a bit... redundant??? anyways, what has ruined the relationship is that since we got married she decided I was part of her "property" and therefore material that could be molded in whatever shape she wished, which has not been the case. Since DS was born she intended to take a major part in our decisions, in her words "My son is mine and I decide what he has to do". THis lack of respect for our independence has binned the good relationship they had before. So I assume that the respect of independence and discretion (in terms of not interfering or vetting all our decisions) definitively plays a major part in keeping a mother and son relationship healthy.

P.S. Micha, I have to agree with you, it is us who raise the kids and set the patterns. I believe that women are the main culprit of keeping machism alive, but that's a discussion worth a thread on its own.

micha26 · 13/07/2005 01:28

Brilliant post Chandra - Agree with you 100%

suzywong · 13/07/2005 05:51

what an interesting thread

My Dh has such a good relationship with his mother that he wants (us) to live with her and take care of her as an extended family for the rest of her life,

She let him have his independence and didn't interfere, letting him go overseas and make his own decisions/mistakes .

Although we are a bit cramped at the moment, I do want to live as an extneded family not least so that my sons can see how valuable a mother is and that they will be all right about changing my tena lady for me when I 'm an old bag ( not that MIL is but YKWIM)

edam · 13/07/2005 06:37

following dh's conversation with his mother last night, I'd say keeping a sense of perspective helps.
MIL "Oh my God, the bombers were on your train last Thursday."
Dh "Yes, but obviously I'm fine so try not to worry too much."
MIL "Have I told you about the problems I've been having with this mail order company about a blouse I've bought..." rambled on on this topic for 30 MINUTES.
No wonder he doesn't phone her as often as she'd like - but it did make us laugh!

monkeytrousers · 13/07/2005 08:57

Good idea Chandra! I'd be sticking my oar in on a thread like that

Micha - I think you're right but lets not forget that children aren't brought up in isolation. We live in a world that is institutionally disposed to repressing women (and their children of either gender).

To be a mother is still to be human..

muppety · 13/07/2005 12:51

You must like your MIL suzywong. Do you have your own mum?

Iklboo · 13/07/2005 13:03

DH gets on fantastically well with his mum - and so do I. Better than I get on with my own mum if I'm perfectly honest. She's always there for us if we need her, gives us plenty of space if we don't.
To be honest, DH is 'golden balls' to her - which I suppose makes me golden boobs! The two older sons get on really well with her, but she doesn't like their partners that much. They don't do much to help her out like we do.
Youngest son is a little t**t at the moment. 18 yrs old and DH's half brother. Treats MIL like crap and she does EVERYTHING for him. Makes me and DH so .

suzywong · 13/07/2005 14:12

OMG you're not a pyschotherapist are you muppety?
Yes I have my own mum, we clash a lot though have a basically loving relationship, and now she's 12000 miles away it's even better.

My MIL is Chinese so it's customary for mothers and to live with their sons' families in old age.

muppety · 14/07/2005 15:15

Maybe I should have gone to China to find a DH then! Would it count if DS marry a woman from China. Maybe they can all come and live with me!

suzywong · 14/07/2005 15:24

probably LOL

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