kids and neighbours

[newtzy]

Hi - wasn't sure where to put this one to be honest with you - so decided to place it in parenting - best bet really.

We have not long moved in to a fab 4 bed - we are council tenants but it took a long time to wait for this property - as we have 4 kids aged 12, 8,6 and 4 plus our 5th on the way due in April.
Our eldest is a girl and is going thru puberty - she is making life a bit difficult with tantrums and doesn't like being told NO or what to do or basically anything right now

She had been told off tonight as she had caused a ruckus at the dinner table and had decided it was clever to show her younger siblings how funny it was to cover food in water and then throw it about everywhere - so she got told off and told she was not having her sweetie after dinner as punishment - she went into one and started screaming at me and dad that it was unfair and basically causing a massive scene over it to try and get her own way.

Next minute (this being only 8pm) there is a massive bang bang on the wall from next door - it totally sent me into shock - thought this neighbour was going to break through it was so loud - my hubby went next door and asked what the neighbours problem was - she said to him that our DD had been AT IT FOR DAYS NOW (untrue) and she had had enough - he stated that would she care to knock on the door next time as this is usually deemed normal behaviour - he reminded her that I was pregnant and we did not need all this.

My red mist has descended and at first I was in tears more over the neighbour than my naughty pre-teen - I have worked myself right up over this neighbour so much I can not sleep and am thinking every possible scenario this awful neighbour can throw at us - and what I want to say to this person if and when I see her next.

I am pregnant so don't really need this aggro at the moment either - the knocking certainly shut my DD up but thats not the point - we have 4 kids and they are going to make noise - but they never make noise past 9pm as the little ones are in bed at 7pm and eldest DD is in bed at 9pm or just after - the house is generally quiet from this time onwards.

I am having a home birth and am fretting that this neighbour can complain and also what is this neighbour going to be like with a newborn in the house - I have given myself a banging headache over this and just feel its one thing after another. Kids are kids and I try so hard, my kids are generally good but you can't help them having tantrums and especially at teenage stage - wouldn't mind but this women has teens of her own - guess she zips their mouths up at night eh
really came on to vent and get it off my chest as my poor hubby has really gone through the mill over this tonight. Thanks for reading x

Hi. Grisly situation. I know you are cross but can I suggest you go round tomorrow, knock on the door and invite them for a cup of tea and a chat about what happened. Apologise for them being troubled (I know they are horrible) and it might take the wind out of their sails. Say, what a shame we got off to a bad start and let's try to get along. Smile nicely every time you see and give yourself brownie points every time you do it. You can take the rug from under their feet by doing this. If she is mean or hostile just say, I'm sorry, perhaps I'd better go, and be exactly the opposite of her. Show that you are in control.

The reason I say all this is because they are plainly not shy about upsetting you and having a row. When people are like that things can escalate out of hand very quickly. You can take control now and refuse to play that game. You can't outpsycho a psycho and if they are really up for trouble you really Do Not Need that. You can win by grabbing back control of the situation, starting with your own responses.

Also with your dd I suggest silence as a response for a while, after an "I am not responding while you cannot be civil". "Lower your voice and we will talk". Your neighbour will hear that all the noise comes from her. You have a situation with two people where shouting and getting upset will not win: your neighbour and your daughter. But you can choose your own response. You can be in control of that, and slowly but surely it will work to calm the situation.

I really, really sympathise with you and agree with Probono that you try to have a chat with these people and attemtp to get them 'on side'.

However, I had such a terrible time with my ex-neighbours that I know just how you feel. I brought home my premature twin sons, as a single mum with no family to support me and no ex. As you'd expect, the twins cried on and off 24/7.

The neighbours banged on the party wall EVERY time the babies cried, even at 3am. I did everything I could to appease them. The walls were v thin and their bedroom was adjoining our bedroom where the twins and I all slept (no other alternatives available).

The husband came round at 8.30am oneday, when the twins were about 2 to 3, saying he NEEDED a lie in and I must stop the twins's noise NOW! But how do you stop babies/ toddlers crying and playing and shrieking and toddling?

Those neighbours eventually moved but were replaced by even less tolerant ones who finally 'forced' me to consider paying them and me to get our houses sound-proofed!!! I was on the verge of giving in to this when I was then able to move myself.

It was a complete nightmare and affected the first 5 yrs of my DCs lives as I was constantly telling them to be quiet.

It's only in retrospect that I now see the reality. Yes of course it's hard to be on the other side of this, wishing the nieghbours would be quiet - BUT - you have to stay with what's reasonable and 'normal' child/ teenage noise.

I tried official mediation with the 2nd neighbours but this didn't really work and led to me saying I'd pay hundreds of pounds to soundproof - money I didn't have.

I think all you can do is apologise and say, "You know what they're like (ie teenagers)" and carry on accepting that a family of 4 to 5 DCs are GOING to make a certain amount of noise, no matter what, especially the new baby.

Good luck. I know how hard it is to live next door to people like your neighbours and be hypersensitive to every single sound you make.