Am I a terrible person? Deliberately broke DS's toy.

[Rebecca41]

God I feel terrible, but I was at the end of my tether.

DS1 (age 4.5) is going through a nightmare phase. It's all very understandable - he's just started school, exhausted etc - but it's hard to deal with. He screams at the top of his voice if he doesn't get his way, hits me and so on. I'm doing my best to handle it, taking advice, reading the books, being patient etc etc.

But this evening I just lost it.

He was watching a DVD as I cleared up the toys (God forbid that I should ask him for help!), and I gave him several warnings that it was nearly bath time. Finally I said it was time to turn the TV off. He moaned, so I turned it off myself. He started screaming again. It's a blood-curdling scream, terrifies DS2 (9 months), probably scares the local cats too!

I lost my temper, it was the last straw. So I deliberately stamped on his toy phone. It was a piece of plastic tat he'd got with a comic yesterday, but he liked it. I was so angry, I wanted to punish him, and the toy was right there by my foot.

Of course he was distraught. And I feel terrible. I can't believe I lost control and did something so childish.

Is that unforgivable? It was stupid because I've ruined my evening by feeling guilty, and I'm about to look on ebay for a cheap toy phone - so it's costing me money too!

In my defence I'm also a single parent!

No you are not terrible at all - kids do bring out the worst in us, at least you took it out on the phone not him!

Give yourself a break. It wasn't a great thing to do, of course it was childish, but you're human. You lost your temper. Who can say they have never done that?

You should go to him, cuddle, apologise. Explain that you were angry but that's no excuse. Talk about how people should handle their feelings - you have an opportunity here to teach him something too.

My son is exactly the same as yours. Today when he wouldn't pack his trains away I did it throwing them into the box and a couple of them chipped (they were chipped anyway from him doing that) but he was devastated. I told him that if he'd done as I'd asked I wouldn't have put them away and it wouldn't have happened.

I still feel a bit guilty, but he seems to have forgotten about it. Don't beat yourself up about it. 4 yo's can be very trying, I find sometimes the only way to get ds1 to understand something is to do something childish as that is what he understands.

I'd say don't buy him a new phone I'm sure all will be forgotten tomorrow.

Look please don't beat yourself up over this - you had a moment of madness, it happens and you have a hell of a lot on your plate.

No you're not a terrible parent - just lost it a bit.

Next time try and take a few deep breathes or leave the room if you feel yourself boiling over.

Now, stop feeling guilty and tomorrow explain to him why you did something naughty and that you are sorry and try and have a nice day.

my ds(8) really drove me mad when he was a bit younger. i think sometimes they have to realise that you are human and will get angry back.

Poor you, I sympathise. I'm also a single mother and children can be relentless. It probably wasn't great to stamp on the toy but perhaps your son will realise that you're human too, have a limited amount of patience and may perhaps realise that his actions have consequences and behave better....

It's so easy to overreact in an instant and then regret it immediately and feel guilty for doing it.

Btw just buy the comic again instead of paying out on e-bay.

Sorry not more constructive.

If you'd given a warning and then put the toy in teh bin, no-one would raise an eyebrow. OK, you were a bit silly to stamp on it, and it's not a hugely great example to set, but my mum once said to me, that an important lesson children have to learn is that if they push mummy too far, she will snap, and there will be Dire Consequences. She was talking baout smacking, which you didn't do, so you should give yourself a break for limiting your frustration to an inanimate object.
We've all done stuff we regret, whether it be screaming at our kids, or binning one of their toys in anger. Be kind to yourself. tomorrow is another day, and littlies don't hold grudges.
Oh, and don't buy a replacement phone

Don't feel guilty. I have just had one day of screaming (my 2yr old daughter, thankfully, is not normally like this, she's ill, and tired, and I presume that's the cause - fingers crossed this isn't the shape of things to come) and I nearly lost it so many times today. If you're having to deal with that sort of thing daily, it's a wonder you haven't snapped before. I do the leaving-the-room-before-I-do-anything-desperate thing.

Don't be hard on yourself. I very often itch to do the sort of thing you did, and worse. It sounds like you're coping really well.

I once threw ds2 colouring book in the fire when he wouldnt tidy up ....later that day our house was robbed and the policeman checked the fire bcos some of the ornaments had been knocked into it .....imagine my when ds2 piped up 'those are ashes from my colouring book that mummy threw in' - guess who got a big fat colouring book the next day.

I'd like to put in my tuppence worth of 'wisdom':

IME TV does not relax small children, it winds them up.

If he's already tired and stressed then get him drawing, doing a puzzle or dancing to music or something instead. It might help make that time of day easier.

Totally agree with FromGirders. I've been known to snap and do silly 'setting a bad example' things now and again. The best thing to do is to clearly explain to your DS that you are sorry you lost your temper, that you love him and didn't mean to break his toy. But I would also say that you would like him to try to be good and help you as much as possible (I'm sure it won't make much difference but it won't do any harm for him to associate the incident with his own behaviour!).

I wouldn't buy him a new phone, as I believe that would give the message that he hadn't done anything wrong.