My 3 yr old wants to go live with his dad..

[ayshee]

I'l try and shorten it as much as possible. My husband of 5 years one days wakes up and tells me he wants a divorce. We had two kids together, at that they were 2 and 1/2yr and 7 month old boys.I was deeply upset and shocked. He did not explain why. I returned to my dads home in a another country.He calls to speak to the kids, and has come twice to see them. He says he wants to be an invloved and active parent.My now 3 year old keeps saying he wants to live with his dad. His dad has asked me if the older child ( the 3 yr old) can come live with him. WHen i asked the 3 yr old, he says he wants to go.I explained to him that there wud be no Mama, he said its ok, i will call you!
I know he is very young, but it seems he is not attached to me ....when his dad had come to visit for 3 days he stayed with his dad in a hotel.When he returned i was out, he did not even ask where i was.
he keep mentioning wanting to go to his dad. I do not know what to do? Should i let him go? please advice?

A three year old can not take such a decision. I am sure that if your three year old did go and live with his father the novety would quickly wear off.

Your children probably take you for granted. Its understandable as they are so young. Like a lot of children of seperated parents, I bet your three year old idolises his father. I am sure the reality would be different.

You deserve better and need to believe in yourself.

Er...no, you should not.
He's 3 years old, he does not know what's ood for him and doesn't have a say in matters like this.
Children should stay with their primary carer.
I assume it was you before the separation? Your ex came to see kids twice.He says he wants to be an involved dad- great. That does not mean removing him from the environment he is accustomed to and separating the siblings so each parent can have a kid.
You should not ask him whether he wants to live with his dad, as that implies he can decide, but also because it puts the responsibility on his 3 yo shoulders. It also signals you are not in control and it will make him feel unsafe.
Obviously I assume that you're caring for them well, they have decent living standards etc, ie there is no special reason for your ex's request.
I have separated from ds's dad and had my share of 'daddy's better' and 'I want to be with daddy'- it does not usually mean anything, except that your ds is missing him, although he cannot be very attached to him as youe ex left him when he was very young and since saw him just twice.

I'm sure this must be heartbreaking for you. I'm not sure that a 3 year old can really understand the concept of you not being around so I suspect that he doesn't really understand the implications of what he's asking for. I certainly would not consider letting him go to live with his dad at such a young age.

Your husband is probably the parent who does fun things with him and promises him lots of excitement were he to live with him. Your son needs you. Even if he does not know this you need to keep it firmly in mind and not let your confidence be undermined.

It is unfair asking a 3 yr old where he wants to live. It is far too much pressure for him and he can't possibly understand the ramifications of the situation.

Just reply "daddy loves you very much and you will see him often but you live here with me and your brother". Then give him a great big cuddle.

I agree with the girls here. You absolutely CANNOT take what your child says and give it to him. I have a friend who's 4yo dd has never even seen her dad but on occasion has said she wants to go and live with him. A child that age cannot know what is best for them (how many don't want to brush their teeth or go to bed, or eat chips all day etc.)

Moreover, it's likely that when he talks/spends the little time he has with dad its likely to be all fun because it's only for a short period of time. After a week of living with his dad its likely he would tell him he wants to live with his mama again.

Keep your head up, you are going through a stressful time at the moment don't be parted from your children at this time as it's likely you will regret it once the emotional rollercoaster has subsided. x

Do you want him to live with his dad?

Does a 3 year old really say I will call you?

The children should be with the parent who can look after them the best imo.

Presumably their Dad works so who would look after ds in the day?

The neutral response to ds is that he and his brother live with Mummy and Daddy comes to visit when he can. It is not something that a 3yr old should even be asked - you make decisions for him that are in his best interests. You can facilitate his father visiting and when he is older he might like to visit his Dad but his security and home are with you.

Ok...Thank you for all your replies. I feel much better.

You are right i should not take him seriously. He is very young and does not realise what he is saying.

His dad was the fun parent and more active parent. And promises toys and all sorts of things. I guess i was just so heartbroken that he didn't say...no way mama, i could never leave you

Maybe his dad can have him over the holidays? do you think 3 weeks alone with his dad in another country is also too much for a 3 yr old? This is all so new to me...6 months ago i was a wife and mum of two and never had to think about all this. I guess im unsure of hwo to handle everything..

My sons, get alot of support here, my dad is like a dad to them,and i am lucky to be able to stay at home with them , till they are a bit older, then i begin planning my life direction. thanks again for all your advice

fabisgoingtobefab2010: he really did say i will speak on the phone to you! the reason he said this,is beacuse that is how he communicates with dad...so i guess he was saying if i stay with dad then you and i will speak over the phone instead etc...

I don't think 2 or 3 weeks would be too much- are you sure , though, that your ex will not try to keep him? Sorry, do not want to sound paranoid, just that you didn't say whether you've got the custody.
And I said in my previous post that your ds couldn't be attached to his dad, sorry, I thought he was 1 and a half at the time.
I still stand by what I said.
Good luck to you, it must be so hard- but it will get better, I promise.

heated: yes, his father works during the day.NOt only that but his job invloves travelling, which he said he would cut out.

I don't really think he would be better off with his dad.As part of the problem with our relationship, is that he wanted to go out and live the young carefree clubbing lifestlye and leave me alone with kids most nights.
So this sudden turn around of wanting the his child, is a bitodd. Am i do think he does not realise, all that is invloved. I.e. your kids always come first

He doesn't understand what it would really mean. If he only sees his dad now and then, then it is exciting, a treat, probably dad does only fun things? So that's what he's basing it on. At that age, he is unable to make a real choice.

winnybella: you are right i do not have custody of the kids yet, we are in the divorce process currently. But i do not think he will take them...HIs lifestyle is does not suit kids.unless he makes some drastic changes.

He is quite hostile and unfriendly when we have to correspond. Which is very hurtful, as he is the one that made all the choices, i.e to leave his family etc. Anyway i explain everytime , that our kids need to see that we can communicate amicable and maturly, hopefully one day he will understand.

Sorry i deviated from the subject...I don't think he wants to fight for custody. Thats what he says anyway. Aparently i can have full custody of them.

So according to everyone is obvious that i should not take my ds1 seriously! I must be quite emotional to even consider it.

I feel much better now. If my kid doesn't want to live with me...tough He has no choice till he is much older.

Thanks all

Hes such a complex child...he always thinking. And never really shows his emotions.I guess thats why i doubted his attachment to me.

He never seems bothered when i leave the house, or when i return. Maybe he is and doesnt show it..or so i like to think!

Does anyone else have a kid doesn't mind when mum leaves the house?

Hi ayshee

I agree with the other posters, you need to make this decision, not your DS - and if you are the main caregiver, then it's definitely in his interests to stay with you.

But I don't agree that you should not take your ds seriously. Separation is a really big deal, especially for younger kids who can't understand the adult reasons behind it. My parents separated when I was 2.5 so I can well understand your ds' behaviour. I was very quiet too and rarely showed my emotions - at that age, you can't deal with difficult feelings and so you just sort of "shut down". Of course, adults tend to assume that a kid is adjusting well if they are quiet - not necessarily the case!

I suggest that you try to pick up a couple of books to help you through this difficult time, to understand how to help your ds cope and to help you cope too! There are some really good ones about parenting after separation, and the impact of divorce on kids.

I don't remember ds being particularly worried whenever I left( well, after he outgrew his separation anxiety thing at 1 and a half-two)- maybe because he felt secure? I don't know. Now, he's 8 and when I fuss before leaving him for few minutes to grab something from the shop, he's like' yeah, yeah, sure, mum'. I also remember that when we left him on his first day at preschool at barely 3, he was totally fine with it.
On the other hand, if I'm not feeling well, he will fuss a bit himself.
I would venture a guess that your ds is feeling secure, knows you will always be back, and there might be a bit of that 'boring mummy' factor, but I don't think it means he's not attached to you.

winnybella thats a nice way of putting it . It would be nice to know that he is feeling secure and thats why perhaps he doesn't show concern.

theboobmeister You are right just beacause he is quite does not mean he is ok. Far from it. He always been calm whenever his dad or I left the house. In fact his dad used to travel alot, and he nver really showed that it affected him. But of course, one can never really understand what is going on in their little heads. I shall reas some books on this too, thanks for the advice

sorry for the spelling mistakes....i meant quiet not quite and read not reas!

I do, ayshee. Mine don't much care if I am there or not, but I know they love me anyway, in their own way.