Only Child angst

[ruffordgirl]

I'm the mother of a 10 year old only child. At the moment she's really having a hard time with feelings of grief and lonliness, crying herself to sleep at night etc.

Has anyone been in the same position? Does anyone know anywhere I can get advice about how much to tell her - all our adult reasons for our decision etc.? In general she's v emotionally mature, but at the end of the day she's still a child.

If you can help at all, I'd be grateful. Feeling v desperate here.

Morning RuffordGirl

What is she unhappy about?

IMO being completely straight with anyone over the age of about 7 works. Obviously leave out any graphic or upsetting details but 10yos are often far more aware of things than we think.

If you aren't telling her stuff she might be feeling like you don't trust her or she doesn't matter or you don't think she has the right to know something. If something bad has happened, she needs to feel as close to you as possible and none of the above will help.

She's unhappy because she's lonely - though she has plenty of friends and we've always made efforts for her to play, have friends for tea, even take them away with us. She's got cousins her own age too - and though she has a strong bond with them, that's also difficult because it makes her acutely aware of her 'outsideness' - bottom line, she is not in that family. She also feels as though she's in the minority, always just her with two adults in the house. Though I'd say that as an only, she's had much more inclusion and say in decisions about how we do things.

She hates being different, in any way, and i think that's what bothers her most. We do know other only children, but she doesn't know them well enough to talk to them about how she's feeling.

Thanks for your thoughts. Honesty is always my best policy too. Trying to unravel our own feelings of guilt and protectiveness, I guess and trying to work out what's best.

It's not freaky to have just the one child you know

I don't understand this only child angst all the time, I never encounter it in real life

has she picked up on your feelings?

These are very definitely her feelings, not mine. We've always seen having only one as a positive choice - but it's hard to see her struggle with it now.

It seems a little odd for her to be so upset about something that has been the same since she was born. Are you sure there's nothing else...maybe someone making nasty comments about her being an only child. If I heard my son crying in bed, I'd probably climb in with him and try to find out what else was wrong.

Being an only child doesn't mean she's lonely, she has both of you as well. Don't feel guilty. If you've decided not to have another child, there are good reasons for that. Explain them to her.

What about one of the social networking sites? She's maybe a bit young yet for Facebook but why don't you go out with her and take lots of photos of her with her cousins that she could put on Myspace. That could be good especially if you supervise. What about a puppy (if you could cope with endless dog hair and walks)? What about an afterschool club?

I have an only son (younger than your dd) and like you I'm trying to ensure he spends some time every day playing with other kids.

And as one of five sisters, I can vouch for the fact that having the freedom to watch what I wanted on telly or soak in the bath for hours without being disturbed would have been heaven when I was a teenager.

I have to agree with the foosa, it isn't freaky to have just one child. My dd would love a sibling. Allegedly. When I agree that we'd try she was horrified. She likes the idea but the actuality would be too much for her.
My dd is probably/possibly more isolated than yours. We live in Central Switzerland so all our family, cousins and aunts and grandparents etc are a long way away.

i think the op knows it isn't freaky but her dd is upset!.

i think this will partly be hormones but yes she probably does feel like she is missing out on having siblings.

Is she going through some sort of pre-teenage angst/hormonal changes?

Lonliness is often kind of part of the teenage condition isn't it? ('Nobody understands me' and all that stuff). She could be hitting it a bit early. She might be focussing on the fact that she is an only, but if she had siblings it might be something else.

I also agree that you should check there's nothing else bothering her. But other than that all you can do is be open with her, reassuring and supportive and I'm sure you're doing these things already.

I was (am!) an only, and I hated it. However I did not have the luck to be in a happy settled 2-parent home like your DD. I absolutely adored going to stay with family friends who had 4 children and what I felt was proper family life.

I now have a few friends who have onlies and they all seem to enjoy it much more than I did. And DD sometimes says she wishes she was an only!

Has the feeling upset only just started recently? MAybe it's more to do with growing up? I remember that by that age I hated feeling different too, but I think that could be a problem for any child, as they can all complain that they don't want to feel different for different reasons.

I wouldn't worry too much about explaining to her why you decided to just have one, just keep on making sure she has plenty of opportunities to spend time with other children. Maybe you could try to develop the friendships with other onlies a bit more?

I think Eleanor is right in that acknowledging her feelings is important, which you seem to be doing anyway.

There is an only child section on MN somewhere, if you look for a thread called the tea room, you'll find lots of parents of onlies who can help you.

Thanks for all these thoughts. I've talked to her already about whether there's anything else bothering her...there either isn't, or she's reluctant to say. I think there is some kind of hormonal thing going on- plus boredom with primary school (she's desperate to start sec school). The sadness is worst when she has time to reflect (ie. mostly at night). That said, I think it'd be wrong to fill her timetable more than it already is (she already does handball, Guides, ice skating and riding) - we have usually one day a week when she doesn't have anything on, and that's homework/catch up time.

Suggestions re. social networking are really good thanks - she does a bit of that already,and we try to have a healthy limit on screen time.

In a way it's an opportunity to talk about sadness in life in general ways (all families have their issues, life can be sad etc.). I don't want to wallow in all the distress. But at the same time, that's reality; life has its painful bits and we all expierience them in diff ways. Part of what she's experiencing, I think, is recognition that the adult world can be hard and scary.

I think, as others have suggested, that part of the problem may well be that she is feeling anxious for other reasons (hormones) and trying to rationalise those feelings by pinning them on her only-child status. And onset of puberty is prime time for feelings of loneliness, so anything that seems tied in with the loneliness concept looms very large. At the same time, those fears are real to her, so must be acknowledged.

I would acknowledge them, but at the same time not tie yourself into knots trying to justify your decision. That decision has been made and is now part of who she is. Comfort her, but don't apologise.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families

There you go.

Bucharest - I will check out that thread, many thanks.

"Part of what she's experiencing, I think, is recognition that the adult world can be hard and scary."

I think you've answered your own op