I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to cope

[chickane]

I've just had our first child, a beautiful boy. It was a difficult birth that resulted in an emergency c-section and me with a general. Our son was in an incubator for the first few days.

I haven't been coping with looking after him (but we have great support from our parents so baby is fine). Had to go to combination feeding within the first week which, I think, makes me feel like I've failed at something. Since then, I cannot shake feeling guilty all the time over not being able to cope on my own, about the birth, about feeding him, about everything! Plus I am really scared that I won't ever be able to cope. All this negative emotion is also masking any real love I'm feeling for my son. I love him when I see him or hold him but I feel like he's a burden when I'm not near him.

Have other people felt this too? I'm so worried I won't love my son enough to want to look after him. Please help.

Hi chickane

I think you've probably described what every new mum (parent?) feels in the first weeks and months. It's totally normal to feel all those things. I know I certainly felt all of them. However, for me, it went on longer than that and developed into PND. You really need to talk to people about how you're feeling. Talking may help to stop PND developing by helping you realise you're not alone - we all feel like this, to a greater or lesser extent.

Keep coming to Mumsnet and talk to everyone you know about how you feel. If things get worse then ask for help. Knowing when to get help is difficult to judge but it is a sign of strength.

Keep doing what you're doing, by the way, as you sound like you're doing a great job!

I am sorry you don't feel happy at the moment. I know you don't feel like you are are coping but I bet you are doing just fine as a mother and your DS is loved and well cared for. If he is your first child, I know from experience that the whole thing can knock you for six. It is like being hit by a train and I felt like I was walking around in a daze for most of my DS's first couple of months. It does get better eventually, honestly.

I do think that you need some help though. You sound a bit depressed to be honest and it might be worth talking to somebody. Maybe your HV is you get on with her - they can do a questionnaire with you which will show whether you are slipping into post natal depression. Or if you don't know your HV maybe visit your GP? It sounds like you need to talk to someboby and get some help.

Please don't feel a failure though. You aren't. Your life has been turned upside down not to mention your body and it is no wonder things are taking a time to settle down. How you are feeling is not unusual and can be fixed.

How old is he?

I didn't stop crying for a few weeks. I found it extremely difficult at first and was thinking 'what have I done?'. I also felt a bit of a failure/guilty and still do sometimes if I'm having a bad day. I think it is normal to feel like this at first and you're not alone. Becoming a mother can feel overwhelming and no-one prepares you for it.

If he is more than a few weeks old and these feelings have been persisting I would mention it to your HV or doctor. Although it's probably normal to feel down for a while after birth, it isn't normal for it to persist for very long (or to return later on as it did with me) and there's plenty of things they can do to help you.

Also, it is common to have strong feelings about the birth if it has been difficult. A lot of people on here will talk about feeling traumatised and hopefully someone will come along who can support you with this.

It does get easier all the time, I promise!

I felt like this for the first six weeks - really negative emotions about DS which i felt so guilty about and crying ALL of the time. My mum kept reassuring me that she felt like that too and that things would get easier and they have. Nothing can prepare you. I think it is prob normal for a lot of new mums. Keep talking to whoever you trust the most. It would be helpful if people around you are aware of the warning signs of PND in case it does drag on. You aren't alone.

I had a relatively 'easy' birth with DS1 and breastfed successfully and still felt unable to cope, that I was failing him, that I'd never be able to do it properly etc.

I tried to ensure that I had people with me all the time (spent a lot of time at my parents' when DH was at work / away) as when I was on my own with DS I felt so utterly overwhelmed, terrified and helpless. After 4 months I recognised that I was suffering from PND and strangely, just recognising that and accepting that I needed help, made a big difference. I didn't take anti-depressants or anything, just found ways to get more support, take things easier, and take the pressure off mmyself a bit.

I'm now expecting DS2 (DS1 is 2.5 yrs) and would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about having the same experience again.

Don't mean to hijack - just to say that yes, what you're feeling is utterly normal in my experience. I found becomign a mother the most wonderful and equally most terrifying, frightening and unsettling thing I'd ever done. I still doubt myself and my ability to cope, but have discovered that putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time is often the best (or only) way to cope. And it does get better.

Definitely talk to people about how you feel - friends, parents, health visitor, GP if necessary and get all the support you can. You will come out of it, but it's a scary and overwhelming place to be while you're in it. Good luck, and keep posting on MN, I wish I'd known about it when DS1 was little.

I felt the same utter hoplessness after dd1 was born following a straightforward normal delivery and luckily managing to breastfeed. I felt - what on earth had I done? I thought my life was over. It took me ages to bond with her. Like the above poster - I spend a couple of days a week with my parents trying to catch up on some sleep.

Looking back - I'm not sure if I had PND or just serious adjustment issues. I remember finding it hard just to spend time on my own with her - I found looking after her just utterly exhausting. I was anxious about everything.

Anyway - time sorts things out. DD1 is now 3 years old and just absolutely gorgeous - I love her with every fibre in me. She is fab and great company. DD2 came along and I have loved, loved, loved every minuite of her - she is now 9 months. I cannot believe that I am saying this but I am gagging for another baby. I have also turned back into the horizontal mellow person that i was before!

I think the feelings you have are completely normal. Take each day as it comes - don't try and run around doing all the things that you did before. Just sit on the sofa and absorb this new baby. Every bugger gives you advice on what to do. Think to yourself - If I was in a cave a million years ago with no-one to tell me what to do - what would i do in this situation? The answer you give yourself is the right answer.

Also - give yourself a break - you have been through a really traumatic time - a crash section under GA is enough to give even the strongest person some post traumatic stress. It's really scary stuff to have gone through. As regards to the feeding - give yourself a bloody good pat on the back for managing to do combined feeding - you can still get back to full breast feeding with good advice and support. However - do not get stressed about this. The important thing is to take some time out to give yourself the chance to heal physically and emotionally from what you have been through.

I think you have done marvellously, the fact that you are worrying about things shows that you are a lovely mum! With the regards to you saying you feel he is a burden - it will feel like that for a little while as he is causing so much worry and changing your life so profoundly for you. Before you know it, you'll feel like he's been there forever and life just ticks along nicely.