Teenagers - DH is driving DD away. How can I stop it?

[pellegrino]

DH is slowly losing DD1. She is in Y8, nearly 13, and she is very teenagery - we've had various issues with in the past few months, but nothing out of the ordinary for her age, i don't think.

DH does not have the first clue how to handle her. He has ridiculous rows with her about relatively trivial matters, eg last night over make up - he told her that she shouldn't wear it, said it would give her skin cancer, and when she argued back he resorted to throwing insults at her (stupid little girl, ignorant etc). She pretended not to care by laughing but later in bed she was crushed.

I tried to talk about it but he will not back down. I have tried to explain that with teenagers it is all about listening, talking and compromise and that dictating a long list of don'ts just drives them to secrecy and dishonesty.

His response was to throw in the towel. Said "so you deal with her when she goes off the rails, I can't do it".

What can I do? It's horrible watching him destroy his relationship with her and DD2 and DS are suffering for it too

I do sometimes think that when you have a bully in the house there comes a point where you have to stand up to the bully and yes, go ahead and undermine the bully. Tell him he can either change his behaviour, treat the rest of the family with respect, or forfeit the right to be respected by them. And if he is calling your DD stupid, say 'Don't listen to Daddy when he's being unkind.'
Obviously, give him warnings that this is going to happen but be prepared to go ahead. Because he doesn't have more rights than other people in the house and he certainly doesn't have the right to be a bully.

mmme, I don't mena this in a drastic way but it might be useful to have a few sessions with a family therapist? Too many people assume this is onyl for crisis point and when things are dire.... But actauly if you can get to see someone and balance all your concerns out (his yours, your dd's) and explore the dynamics then you might be able to head this thing off.....Think of it as an neutral party who has the expertise to be able to balance and hold everyones views and help you all come to a compromise

This is all made so much harder by the fact that he is generally such a nice bloke. He is thoughtful and kind, and has been a great Dad to all of them, and still is, even with DD1 most of the time.

DD1 can be quite a wind-up artist and she knows which buttons to press (with both of us) but DH, unlike me, is stubbornly unwilling to read or talk about teenagers or attempt to change his behaviour in order to improve this now shaky relationship. I quite like the idea of family therapy but he won't, unfortunately.

I would say that I have to disagree with the undermining him. The problem there is that there is the risk of the teenager taking it too much to heart and simply discounting everything the father says and it could eventually ruin their relationship just as surely as his attitude could. I think undermining him merely would cause more tension in your relationship as well, and create a situation where you are divided and end up being played off each other by the teenager.

He needs to learn better ways to communicate to her. Perhaps by discussing exactly WHY these things upset him. He also needs to realise that she's growing up and he may need to choose his battles a bit more carefully and compromise on some things. And she needs to understand that he is not trying to simply be mean, but that he has concerns but doesn't express them very well but in more of a "knee jerk reaction" type of way. She also needs to learn that some things are non-negotiable and she will need to follow some rules, even if she doesn't like them.

You want to help them find a way to communicate better, compromise a bit, and see where they can meet up in the middle somewhere, IMO.