SIL told to not make the same parenting mistakes as us!!!

[OprahWinfrey]

My SIL had a baby 8 months ago. My ds is 3. DH and I tried CIO - but as I was bf we ended up doing attachment style parenting. We co-slept and carried ds in a sling etc. I bf ds for over a year and gave up the idea of going back to work to spend more time with ds. I was enjoying it at the time and could afford to. It also felt like I wouldn't be able to 'do it all' if I went back to work iykwim. Took ds to playgroups and swimming and played all day. He was/is a very wonderful healthy happy child. Except we didn't sleep for a very long time. DS was also very clingy which was regarded by SIL as a very bad side effect of my bfeeding him.

SIL has been advised by my in-laws to not make the same mistakes as us and bf, so she didn't. Her dd sleeps in the cot in another room and sleeps through the night. She was forced food from 4 months in order to help with sleeping through the night. She sits in a bouncy chair almost all day unless DD's daddy picks her up when he comes home from work. She totally dismisses anything I have to say on parenting. Recently SIL said that her dd is so wonderful that she forgets she's even had a baby! .... And then she goes to check on her and her LO is sitting in her bouncy chair entertaining herself. She doesn't buy many toys as this causes mess.

I am so annoyed that family members regard me as the new way to NOT parent (!!) My ds has a very different nature to sil's dd. Her whole family are very quiet and withdrawn and you wouldn't notice any of them sitting in the corner. DH and I - and now ds, are very 'lively'. I mean I don't want to say that one way is better than another because really I had even tried the CIO and sleeping in seperate rooms. It really alarmed me to see that SIL just leaves her dd for hours without any interaction. And when I saw SIL force feeding her it was awful. I'd call it a sort of abuse. Poor thing. Her dd seems to look zonked out to me and withdrawn.

I would say that at least I know I've tried my best, and yes I'm still left with some sleep issues but ds sits and eats with us and makes decisions and has choices, and seems to entertain us now for hours with his banter. We can't get enough of him. He is very bright and HV used to advise us to keep him challenged as he was a quick learner. We would never 'forget' we've had a baby. Where am I going with all this. I don't even know. Please can someone just talk to me. Maybe I'm just stunned that people are criticsising and looking at me as a 'bad mother' ?

ach, horses for courses, don't sweat it. your in-laws sound grim, tbh.

We have a similar situation in our family. I did all the same things as you when my boys were babies and would do it all over again. They are quite boisterous and sometimes drive me to distraction but they are always thinking and creating and are very loving towards each other as well as dh and me. Relative's child doesn't seem to interact with others like my boys and his mother was surprised at the toys I offered him when they came to visit. She thought they were too advanced but they were absolutely age appropriate.

Anyway, people will always have their opinion and family is generally the worst of all! Just go on with what you are doing and enjoy your lovely son

Nobody's business but yours what you do. The same applies to your SIL. Just get on with it and don't worry.

It's really sad that having a happy, active child is thought by your in-laws to be doing it wrong!

We have 5 aged between 17 and 4 months. All of them have been given lots of attention. The result has been alert, well-behaved children (ok, some of that is luck. But you certainly don't have to ignore a child for them to end up well-behaved). The twins got less one-to-one adult attention than the singles, I admit, but I never thought the ideal was to forget you had a child! Strangers would often exclaim on how bright-eyed and interested they were as babies. How awful it would be to think that was a flaw!

You can't force your SIL to change, though. At least it sounds like her husband is a bit more interested. I don't think this is abuse but it certainly seems like less than ideal patenting.

Er, parenting, not patenting!

Well it sounds like you enjoyed the time with your ds as a baby, and you are happy with the way things have turned out for you and your ds's development. I'm sorry that you feel judged by your ILs, but then you are also judging them and their baby aren't you?

I also have very lively and bright children, who slept in a different room and were weaned at four months (the advice at the time - I wish blw had been around more as a concept at the time though, it sounds way less stressful). I would have loathed slings and co-(not)sleeping, and suffered from huge sleep deprivation if I had tried that long term, and I suspect that although dd woudl have loved it, ds woudl not (although I did bf - it's sad that your MIL obviously associated that with the sleep problems, which almost certainly were entirely unrelated).

Different people do things differently, and for many people attachment parenting is at the very least unusual. From the outside it can look like very hard work, but if you are happy with it, then why worry? ILs just often are annoying I think, unless you happen to think alike, and comparisons are always annoying (I was very worried when my sister got pregnant shortly after me for similar reasons, although it's not turned out to be a problem)

What's CIO by the way?

Broken nights are inevitable with a baby but I must admit that I did pretty well what Nooka did: tried to make this stage as 'least bad' as I could.

That was what worked with our family. I'm sure some people thought we were being unnecessarily fussed about trying to extend periods of sleep but we both knew we'd be better parents if we could sleep more.

Whats CIO?
Also how do you know their baby spends all day in a bouncy chair? are you there all day?

I would get on with your life and let them get on with yours.
If you were secure in your choices theirs wouldn't bother you.

Have no idea what CIO is. However you seem to judging your SIl for her parenting choices as much as you feel that you are being judged yourself.

People parent in different ways.

Well, sounds as if you're as judgy as they are. And if your SIL totally dismisses anything you have to say on parenting- then it does sound a bit as if you are doing the same thing as your ILs did to you: trying to tell her how to parent.

The good news is, once your children are old enough to have their own ideas, they may decide to complete ignore this parental competition.

Myself and SIL were chalk and cheese when it came to parenting: she believing that I was neglectful and I that she was over-protective, both equally convinced that the other family were going to hell in a handcart. Dd and dn are now both in their early teens, both totally delightful children, very good friends and totally uninterested in maternal one-upmanship. There were two ways of arriving at the same goal.

CIO = Cry it out

Her baby is 8 months old - the best is yet to come for her!! Dont worry about it, your family is yours, hers is hers.

Crying it out and attachment parenting are both extremes. There is plenty of room in the middle. If someone told me I should be co sleeping, always using a sling and give up work so my child could be as good as their child I would be dismissing them too.

imvho I think that the perpetuation of the myth that in order to bf you must never put your baby in a cot or a pram has a devestating effect on bf rates. Statments such as "I was bf we ended up doing attachment style parenting" are damaging. Please stop it.

You do sound pretty much as judgemental of your SIL's approach, than they are of yours. Well, if your OP is nything to go by anyway.

People have different approaches to parenting. Some work well, some less well. But much of this depends on the child/baby you have. No baby is the same and what works well for one, may ot be right for another.

Is your niece being neglected? Is she being ignored and left alone all the time? or is she quiet and "withdrawn" because it is her personality - you say her parent's personality is like this too?

Nothing you can do about other peoples opinions, so don't worry about it.

One of the most interesting parts of seeing dcs and their friends grow up has been to see not only how widely different parenting styles produce delightful children, but also how children develop their own personalities seemingly regardless of parenting styles. So you get two children both attachment parented and one is boisterous and open and the other is quiet and timid. Very reassuring imho.

And you seem to have quoted two extremes. Many of us could cite having tried your method with a child turning out like your DN and vice versa. For instance, I've always been pretty laid back and parented according to the "cutting corners" approach. DD spent a fair amount of time in her swing. But both of mine are lively, articulate, opinionated, busy individuals who, thankfully, know how to occupy themselves without me necessarily being involved in it. As others have said, there is middle ground here, and you have to choose your own approach, trying to avoid secretly hoping that SIL ends up with the child from hell, thus proving you right!

I think you need to remember that babies are different people too - my DS spent a LOT of time in his bouncy chair before he could sit up by himself - neither he nor I like being smothered with cuddles all the time and he would get very fractious if he was constantly handled. He spent time under his playgym and slept in his cot but the rest of the time he was in his chair when we were at home - what the hell else was I supposed to do with him? Does that make me a neglectful parent??

From the outside I would seem a lot like your SIL in my parenting style, but we co-sleep at night. My point being that unless you're there all day every day you don't really know how she's doing things.

Oprah, you do sound as judgey of them as they are of you.

I am sure you are both good Mothers. Most of us are, for all the things we get 'wrong' in the eyes of those who do it differently.

I have a good friend who parents very differently to me and dh, but all our kids are happy, healthy little things despite us. We have both done things we have later wished we hadn't, be it cio (me) and co-sleeping (her).

Do what seems best for you and your own family. Sod the rest of them and their judginess and don't get drawn in to comparisons!

There seem to be two things going on here:
1, you are worried about your niece
2, you are hurt and annoyed by the criticism from your ILs.

If the conversation comes up again, stand up for yourself. Point out that you are different people and that you will have to agree to disagree as to what the best way to bring up children is. but that you do the best for your child, and if she thinks she is doing the best for her child then it shows that you both love your children. Not that either one of you are doing things wrong but just differently.

If she gets snipy or snotty then of course point out the error of her ways too in the same way that she points out yours and dismiss her ideas - she only has the power to annoy you if you let her - why is her view any more valid than yours? Why not say how dreadful if she says she forgets she has a baby when she is expecting a lucky you type response?

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that your way is best TBH. I can understand that, it's bloomin hard doing attachment parenting - but if you feel it is right, then that is what you have to do. On the other hand, if your SIL doesn't feel like that, then that is up to her. There is a risk that you could come across as a martyr if you express your real feelings about how she is bringing up her child (she sounds happy enough btw)

No way is best, what works is best.

Enjoy your baby and feel proud of what you have achieved. And leave her to it. Maybe in future she will look back and think that she has missed out on something important - probably not, but at least you know you won't.

I can understand how it is upsetting that your ILs make you an example of "how not to do it".

It's them who are saying there are good and bad ways of parenting, rather than each to his/her own.

On that background it is very understandable that you would start comparing and being competitive.

My MIL has always said that the baby clothes she will knit for me will have to be much larger than those she knit for my SIL. In a tone as if having a small baby were a good thing and well, it was just unlikely that we'd achieve that as well as my SIL did.
Irrationally, I now find myself hoping for a smallish baby - if only to prove her wrong. . I really do think IL-comments can do weird things to your head.

My advice would be to confront your ILs about it - let them know that you find it hurtful that they dismiss your parenting as bad parenting.
But try to steer away from competitiveness with your SIL. It's hard, given the circumstances, but it's just not worth it.

Thank you ladies. Your comments have made me realise that actually I am judging her parenting style. Actually, I think deep down I even envy the ease she seems to have. We had been close during my ds's baby years and I had valued her opinions. Its other family members who seem to be advising her to not be so attached as I had been.

The incident that make the relatives think this is during one lovely long bank holiday, they came round for the day to visit. Dh didn't pick up ds when he came back from work. He started talking to the relatives. Ds who normally climbs all over his dad tried to climb onto his dad as usual. Dh was ditracted and didn't notice that ds was getting upset being totally ignored. He eventually had a tantrum until his dad picked him up and played with him. The relatives had tried to tell us to punish him for the tantrum. DH and I obviously knew why he was acting up and it's just his habit to sit with his dad after he comes home. The relatives now think we are too baby-led and have been telling SIL that we have spoilt the baby (!!)

I'm not judgey about other parenting styles btw. Well at least I didn't think I was. Because they seem to be finding faults in my parenting, I'm trying to defend my parenting and even nit-pick. I know I know this is so childish and not a good path. I need to find a better way to deal with this. I'm only venting here.

My 2 close mummy friends have very different style to myself. We don't judge eachother. Not even secretly....Secretly I envy most mothers who seem to make it look so easy and usually want to find out their secret. My sister raised all 3 of her children in very different styles and I benefit from her wisdom. You know, whatever works, that's what I say. But then, none of these people criticise me either.

I think that's what suddenly hurt. Plus, I wish she hadn't told me that these relatives have specifically pointed me out as the way NOT to parent. They didn't say it to me. Can parents really be judged by the child's tantrums?

newsflash There is no "best way" to parent. You do what works for you. End of.

DS1 was with me 24/7 (although not bf) until i went back to work and he went to playschool 2mornings a week,he was weaned at 4 months as per the guidelines at the time, he is now a quiet 6 YO who would much rather read a book than tear around the park..

DS2 (Mix fed) spent most of his time in a bouncy chair because he HATED being held and cuddled. He was weaned at 5 months because the guidelines had changed it was then 4-6 months, we also had allergy issues. He is now a tearaway child.

DS3 is somewhere in between - blw at v nearly 6 months initiated by him, bf for 9 months and will happily cuddle up on the sofa and have quiet time and screaming his head off running round the garden.

Feeding aside, i have done everything the same with all of them.