What on earth do you do if your DC is friends with a kid who is a bad influence on them?

[SpawnChorus]

DD (just turned 5) has been absolutely inseparable from a girl at her Nursery for the last year. I used to think it was sweet, but to be honest the relationship is now worrying me a bit for he following reasons:

a) DD is inconsolably upset if the friend isn't at Nursery for any reason, and will mope about for the whole day.

b) she is weirdly obsessed with gaining approval from this friend. Seriously, everything she does/talks about is in the context of how much her frind will like/dislike it. c) DD is by no means an angel, but the friend is (I think) unusually catty and manipulative for her age. I've overheard her being really spiteful to other friends and encouraging DD to join in . Like I said, I'm absolutely NOT labouring under any illusion that DD is some sort of Little Miss Perfect who is being led astray, but I've noticed her developing an "attitude" of rudeness and cattiness which is definitely not being helped by hanging out with the friend.

What on earth do I do??!! The Nursery teachers are also very aware of the relationship, and have been trying to encourage DD to branch out a bit more with her friendships. I'm trying to encourage friendships through play dates, and I'm trying to (subtly) talk about things that the friend might be doing that are unkind or otherwise unacceptable.

Unfortunately, they are likely to be in the same class all the way through their schooling, so it's not as if the transition to primary school will separate them.

Has anyone else had this problem? Any advice gratefully accepted!

I think you just have to ride through it

this won't be the last time you encounter this problem and you have to hope that your gentle introduction to playing with other children and the way you've brought her up will win in the end.

At some point, something will happen and she will suddenly see the light. But you can't tell how quickly it will happen or how long you'll have to put up with this. But I guess them getting to that point themselves is what makes them learn about themselves and relationships with other people.

Oh I really really hope so FIS. It just seemsto be getting worse at the moment

it's frustrating isn't it

it's a very typical age for this sort of problem tbh! I remember all sorts of friend traumas when dd was this age (of course ds sailed through infants without any of this sort of nonsense as boys tend to not do the bitchy catty stuff!)

she may just be fascinated by her as she is so different and seemingly influential

children get the hang of the different personalities as they go through school (it's quite interesting to watch but I really do feel your pain!)

I think you just have to make it clear to your dd that she will be held responsible for any bad behaviour perpetrated by her. Because if you think about it, what worried you is not that she is friends with this little girl (who might well need a nice friend), but that she might start behaving like her. And that doesn't have to happen, does it? Another scenario is equally possible: that her friend eventually grows out of her bad behaviour. It does happen, I have had some surprises along the way, some children I really didn't like much in Reception who then grew into lovely older children.

So my tendency has been not to tell dcs who they should be friends with, but to tell them how they should behave- and to come down like a ton of bricks on them if they don't. Latest example is new addition to the family of a couple of stepsons who swear like troopers. Ds knows he is not allowed to swear. I have not said a bad word about his new cousins- but if he uses a swear word, he is in trouble. End of story.

If your dd is rude- tell her moff for her rudeness; it doesn't matter where it came from. She can learn to be friends with someone without imitating bad behaviour; children are capable of that.

Something similar was happening with my DD and a child in her reception class. It got to the stage where the other girl was starting to turn on my DD and we began to notice a change in her. For example, her behaviour deteriorated so much that at one point, I was literally tearing my hair out with it and had all but given up on her, leaving DH to deal with behavioural issues. As a result of that, even now, DD still refuses to listen to me but will react when I mention telling her dad.

Secondly, we noticed that she was starting to lack in confidence. The other girl regularly made her cry and one day got in her face and told her "the more you cry, the more I like it." She would hit DD and call her names. It started to affect DD's enthusiasm for school, in that she started refusing to go, was clingy and often cried when she went. But still she seemed to love this other girl . DD then stopped eating her lunch and it was at this point that DH and I decided to take action. We hadn't really stepped in too much, aside from doing the things you have mentioned, as we felt that DD could be just as bad, that it was kids etc etc.

In the end, we removed DD from school and sent her somewhere else in September for Year 1. She is excelling once again. She is back to her confident self, is eating like a horse, and has made some very nice friends which she previously found difficult to do, being in the shadows of the other child.

DD still wonders about her "friend" and asks about her quite often but to be honest, I am so pleased we made the decision to move her. I understand the issue of kids being kids and leaving them to sort things out, but the more things continued, I felt DD was losing her capabilities to sort it out.

Moving her was the best thing we ever did and she is almost back to her old self. It's been quite a long process. And this is all as a result of befriending a child who was a bad influence on her, but who she loved all the same.

We had a similar experience with dd. I feel guilty because the initially I encouraged dd's friendship with this girl(lets call her X). I became friends with the mum and we met up alot after school. X's mum was very strict and it turned out that X was very sly. She was all sweetness and light in front of adults and extremely bossy and mean when there were no adults around. It appeared to be that dd was almost idolising X. However, we noticed her losing her confidence and over a period of two years, we noticed that X was isolating dd and being very mean when she thought there were no adults around. It got to the point where dd was scared of playing with other children or doing the things she enjoyed if X didn't approve. I remember asking for advice on her ages ago and alot of people saying it's something children go through and nothing to worry about. That might be true in some cases, but some children can be incredibly domineering and I really don't think she would have ever let dd out of her control if I hadn't intervened. I spoke to X's mum and insisted that dd didn't play with X at all for a few months. X doesn't bother dd as much now. She still tries, but dd has got better at standing up for herself. I also spoke to the teacher to ensure they weren't sitting at the same table or put into the same groups. If I was you I would speak to the school and ask them to put her in a different class. I can see how much dd changed in the years she was X's friends and how she almost shrank into herself. Don't be embarrassed about being vocal if you are really unhappy with the situation.

Ds is like this, drawn to the more exciting and exuberant ones at nursery and for a while at primary, although that was more because he and another boy were artificially put together at the beginning as the only two not to have attended the preschool beforehand. In fact the school arranged a play-date so they'd know someone before starting, which is actually a nice idea.

However, whilst ds is no angel, he is kindly natured, unfortunately the other little boy can be tormenting and quite often not very well behaved. He'd provoke & provoke to the point of ds reacting and then they would both be in trouble.

So with ds we'd certainly discuss his behaviour and give him examples of how he is to behave and also what to do if... scenarios. We also made very clear what was and wasn't nice behaviour and on the walk home (often part way together with the other boy and his mum) ds knows to follow the expectations I have for him (like not running off down the street) and it doesn't matter what the other boy does.

Fortunately the school have recognised that the two don't go well together and have firmly separated them, both in class and also told them not to play together at playtime, something that has relieved ds who now has a wider circle of friends.

Also, ds can make clearer judgements for himself and sees that the other boy is naughty and he tells us in horrified tones what he's been up to, as only a censorious 5 yr old can! But in relating to us he's also looking for our reaction and opinion and making sense of social rules and expectations, which is a stage your dd will get to too.

I'm so glad a posted a thread about this. Thanks you for all your advice. It's been really interesting!

Heated - the "what if" scenarios are something DH and I were discussing yesterday. It's good to hear that you;ve found them useful. Although I think my DD is prone/drawn to mischief, so it might be more of an uphill struggle for me!

Vinegar and SecretSlattern - The school thing does worry me, as I really can't move DD from the school. She goes to a non-English-speaking school and there's only one in the region (can't really elaborate as it might out me to other parents at the school!). There is also no option for moving her to a different class. HOwever, the teachers are excellent, and I do think they are keeping on top of the situation as much as possible.

FIS and cory - your posts have been very heartening! I like the idea that children can be friends without imitating each other's behaviour.