really concerned about my 4 year old dd. Long. Sorry.

[camille]

I don't really know where to begin with this one.
I am very concerned about my 4 year old's behaviour/personality and I think she may have an emotional/behavioural problem. She is extremely emotional/very needy. She has recently started sucking her thumb, having never shown an interest in it before. She clings on to complete strangers and ignores me. She is surly, rude, furious with me. Now it may be that this is all "normal" 4 year old behaviour. The problem is that, as I come from a family fraught with mental illness and emotional trauma, I think I am on the look out for it in her. My dh has no truck with all this, but he is rarely about and has never really seen her behaviour at its worst, as with him she is generally much better behaved. My main concern is her utter need to have someone's adulation and attention at all times. For instance, if we go on a family day out, she will attach herself to another child, calling him or her her "friend" and showing no interest in the thing we are doing outside of whether this "friend" is in the vicinity or not. I think I am compounding the problem somehow in my parenting. I am loath to get her labelled or involved in cmhs at this stage. Also we live in a very closed community and I think this will cause problems as she storms and rants her way through all the 5 possible friends she could have at school! I am slightly despairing about what to do. I think it is all my fault.

Don't blame yourself - I can't offer much advice, only support!. Have you thought about seaking professional advice, or health visitor (if you've a good one!).
Could her clinging onto strangers and ignoring you be because Dh isn't around much and she is blaming you??
Let me know how you get on...

Sorry I also can't offer much in the way of advice but can sympathise with how upsetting this would be.
Has her behaviour changed to as you've described
recently ? Is there an event that you think may have triggered off her insecurity?
I agree you should speak to a good HV and not think her behaviour is your fault . Good Luck

I also sympathise, I think as parents we worry too much though. I have had, and still do have, very similar concerns to you, constantly on the look out for signs of depression or excentricity and seeing it all too often in one of my children, I get sick of being told that I worry too much although I believe they may be right. We are at present on waiting lists to see all sorts of people.

For your situation I would advice, as Helenpad and colette do, that you seek reasurance/assistance from a professional body, if you dont get on with your hv go to your gp. In the meantime I think you should shower your dd with unconditional love while ignoring but not direspecting her rejection, I know how hard this is, you need support from your dh or another relation or friend. You're not alone with this behaviour from a child, there is probably a reason for it, will she talk to you about her feelings? Certainly dont blame yourself, you've recognised her distress and want to help her.
Good luck and keep us posted.

hi camille,do you know if shes being bullied at school?my friends 5 year old dd behaved in the same way as your dd,she hated her mum and was desperate to be friends with any child,it turn out that theres a boy in her class thats been bullying her,when she was questioned about it she said yes and that she hated mummy for taking her to the school and not protecting her,that`s how she saw it,find out if this is happening to your dd,good luck

If you do suspect she's being bullied, you could ring ChildLine, which is very good on this. It does sound worrying, but like you I too worry too much about this sort of thing!

hi camille - I have to agree with whymummy on this one. If this behaviour is a big change from her usual manner (and it certainly sounds like it) then there is cause for concern and you shouldn?t ignore it. Bullying at school would be top of my list and worth having a chat with her classroom teacher. She might be able to fill you in about how she is acting at school - fallen out with friendship group, acting differently, is she eating her lunch? participating in class etc. etc. They can also monitor her behaviour for you and give you a ring if anything crops up. If they are concerned and have reason to think it worth involving professional help, then they could draft in the area educational pysch - always with your prior knowledge, consent and involvement. They can be very helpful and just another route to consider as well as the traditional doctor referral route.
Another thought - can you date the change fairly accurately? If so, can you think of anything at all that may have been a trigger? - eg. pet dying, friend moving away etc. A bit obvious but sometimes what we think of as small issues grow out of proportion for them.
Another thought is to try a few home therapy/investigation techniques - eg. try putting her into the third person and have a little chat on the lines of "I was talking to a friend this morning and she was so worried about her little girl as she doesn?t seem very happy any more etc. etc. - and I said I would ask you to see if you could think what might be wrong?.." (used a similar version of this as a teacher all the time and often helped them talk about things relating to them but in a less painful/stressful way)
Another tactic is to invite some of her friends around for tea and watch her interaction with them - can be very revealing.
The fact that she is better with your DH is revealing - is he stricter/compensates for his lack of time with ehr so lets her get away with more or treats her to things? Worth considering any discrepency between the way you both handle her. Alternatively, does she blame you for the time he isn?t around? (could be totally irrationally but if she misses him then she could be taking it out on you)
Sorry that was a bit rambly - long night with tricky DD! Hope I have given you a few ideas to think about - Good Luck - no one knows your DD like you do so if you think there could be something wrong, then do follow it up as you are probably right.