Feeling Guilty About Being a Working Mum...

[8rubberduckies]

I work 4 days a week in a job I love; my Mum has my ds (18 months old) one day a week (up until recently his Dad stayed home a day a week as well, but he's just been promoted so has had to start working full time) and he goes to a childminder for 3 days. He loves it at his childminder's and has a great relationship with her and her son, but recently he's started hitting, scratching and kicking me, alternating this with being really clingy. He's not so bad with his Dad, but he does tantrum a bit with him, but sometimes he won't go to him for a cuddle when we get home from work. He's an angel with his Granny and his childminder.

I'm the one who takes him to our childminder's and picks him up. My MIL and my Mum have both said that maybe he's punishing me for leaving him and I'm now starting to feel really guilty about working so much. I always thought he loved his time with his gran and at the childminder's, he has seemed really happy and well-balanced up until now. Any thoughts?

That's a bit unkind of your MIL and mum.

I think it is more likely to be the old chestnut of your DS being most comfortable with you and so playing up with you and not with the others whose love, it might seem to him, relies on his good behaviour.

Please dont feel that your son being more clingy and rough with you is because you work I am a SAHM and ALL my children have gone through phases like this. If he seems happy and well balanced he probably is .
Oh and I feel guilt too for being a SAHM - we cant win!

I tried to post a reply earlier but my router crashed.

I have a 2 year old and he goes through phases of hitting and kicking too - think it's a very normal toddler thing to do and developmentally very normal - this would happen whether you worked or not.

Sounds like you have a good work/ life balance and it's shame your Mum and MIL are guilt tripping you. Don't let them.

I haven't been able to post a reply all morning sorry! Computer playing up at work . Thanks for your comments, they've made me feel more positive about the situation.

After writing this down I went to bed last night and it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, my Mum and MiL are being really unfair! My MiL was a SAHM and very proud of it, but my Mum was single and worked pt/ studied from when I was tiny, so she should know better! Think getting my thoughts down and reading yours clarified that the issue is with their attitudes not our parenting! it's just been getting me down this week as I've got scratches all over my arms from DS scratching me when I change his nappy, behind at work and knackered! okay, rant over...

He probably is learning this hitting behaviour from the other children at his childminders. Initially when you leave a child if they are at a certain age they might cry or get upset with you for leaving them. But this is a development stage, its a natural thing that a healthy well developed child will go through.

Just try and make the time you do have together really special and joyful, really concetrate and have set things to do together.

My son has gone through this himself as I was a part time student for the first three years of his life and he reacted to my leaving him at nursery differently depending on what developmental stage he was at. Just keep showering him with love and show him you will be there no matter what, when he pushes through it hel be all loving all the time and youl think whatever were you worrying about!

My child is a single child with no childminder, I was not working when DS was that age. He was hitting and kicking out of his own frustrations, nothing that he learned from other children.

It is a phase (or a prelude to the terrible twos)

Now, your mum and mil saying that... that is nasty behaviour, obviously they don't aprove of your working but that is THEIR problem not yours or DS'.

Where I grew up, hardly any mother worked, and my mother was often criticised by other women. In my eyes, my mother was the most intelligent woman on Earth because she had managed to be a mother and many other things the other mums weren't. So I believe you are giving your child a better example by working than by not doing it. And I'm telling you this as a SAHM with a child who often complains "he has so much work to do going to school" while I get "to stay at home and do nothing"

Mongolia - your ds needs to spend a day clearing and washing up after himself I reckon . Moonand2 - I'm really lucky to have a childminder who only looks after ds and her own ds, who is a real sweety, so I think the kicking etc is all down to his own frustrations /development rather than learnt behaviour.

I don't think I'll ever change my MiL's attitudes as she's very old school (doesn't even think that parents should leave their children overnight with family and have some time out together ), but my Mum should know better; I felt the same about her when I was growing up as you do about your Mum Mongolia and it's partly down to her I work so hard today. Think I may have a chat with her about her comments not helping dissipate my constant Mummy-guilt!

Don't feel guilty. Well, it's easy to say that. I work full time and despite rationally knowing that not only do I not need to feel guilty but am actually doing the right thing for me and my family, emotionally it's not so easy.

You yourself and Mongolia are prime examples why there's no need for guilt. And as others said, all children go through phases.

I can rationalise my need to work, but, Yes, it's when things get emotional that rationality disappears. I am beginning to realise, browsing the threads (I'm a new Mumsnetter) that lots of Mum's doubt themselves and feel guilty sometimes... I'm always presuming everyone else around me is a super-Mum and I'm not quite getting it right cos my ds is acting like a werewolf (well, it is full moon)...

I feel like I'm missing out sometimes, like when I say to my childminder that ds has learnt soemthing new and I can just tell from her very positive reaction, that he's been doing it for days at hers! I need to make more of our day off alone together I reckon and do some lovely things like groups, swimming, softplay, rather than just catching up on housework.

Ah, yes, housework. It helps in my situation that I'm a crap housewife and avoid housework where I can. I keep the place functionally tidy, but a lot of people would probably still think it's messy.

I also wait with most of the housework until the daughter is in bed. The time between getting home and going to sleep is quality time with my daughter, where we play, cuddle, look at books etc, and nothing else gets done. No computer, no TV, just family time.

Sometimes we play the "tidying game" together, e.g. when I need to put her clothes away after washing, which I can only do when she's awake. She's too young to really help yet (13 months), but it doesn't stop us from involving her. Mostly by letting her rummage through the pile.

The nursery gives us a sheet everyday telling us what she's been up to, which helps, too. Whatever she's learning, takes a while until it sinks in. She's been practicing walking for weeks now, at nursery and with us. It won't matter where she takes her first truly free steps, as it's a gradual process. You might be missing a moment, but never the whole thing.

Oh yes rubberduckies, sorting the laundry and filling the dishwasher are part of his responsibilities, mind you... some years have passed since he was the age of your DS

Rubberduckies, you are not missing that much, once they start school, they are gone anyway. Besides... well, I noticed I was more ready to have fun with DS (and also way more patient) when I had some time away from him.

I noticed I enjoyed DS more once I started working, when I was at home the day were endless, much more so at that age. Neither DS or us were having much fun.

Once in nursery, he got to play with other children and again with very enthusiastic mum.

Sorry about my late reply, we've been struck down with a tummy bug all weekend (DS was even sick in my pocket Saturday) . I have realised I've got too wound up about trying to catch up with stuff that needs doing when I'm not at work, but that is starting to change now, it's no good and no fun, and I think that's been why I've been feeling guilty in part.

And Yes, I will just remember how (dare I say it) bored I was for the last couple of months of maternity leave (I took 10 months off) when the sun wasn't shining, whenever I wish I could be at home 24-7.

I just wanted to say thanks for this thread. I've been back at work full-time for a month now and I have terribly guilty moments, especially when DD is grumpy. But reading this has really made me feel better. You've all put things so well! And we should be very proud of ourselves. Thanks.

to Naomilpeb