My 14mo thinks I'm a boat and she's a barnacle

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

My husband and I have had various childcare set-ups, but since our daughter was 10 months old the basic set-up is this:

I spend 2 days a week at home alone with her, 4 days at work, 1 day is family day.
He spends 2 days a week at home alone with her, 4 days at university, 1 day is family day.
The 2 days where work and university overlap, she goes to nursery. He does drop-off and pick-up because his days are shorter/more flexible than mine.

When she's alone with her Dad, they have great fun. He is able to get various things done around the house and garden and she'll amuse herself eating snails playing next to him on the grass.

But. As soon as I walk in the door, she crawls over and clings to me. And won't let go. If I leave her with him so that I can go get a glass of water, she'll burst into tears and then crawl towards me, whining, and wrap herself around my leg. If I take her back to him, so that I can do something non-baby-compatible like drain a pan of boiling water, she bursts into tears. And then crawls back towards me.

This is the case on weekends. It's the case on the days I've spent with her - that is, even if he's not there she needs to be physically attached to me every second. I just had a four day stretch off work, every second of which I spent with her, and the behaviour didn't ease up at all. If anything, it got worse. By yesterday evening, she started to whine if I looked in another direction.

Now I know that separation anxiety ramps up when they start to walk, and that's exactly where she's at - we're getting occasional tentative steps.

But please, will someone come along and tell me that this is a short-lived phase? Because I'm getting nothing done. I'm spending all my time with her, and getting resentful that he can go do something else for an hour or two on the weekend and I never can. The only solution is for him to take her somewhere where she can't see/hesr me for a bit (give her a bath, take her for a walk) so that I can cook dinner or just lie down for half an hour, but then he and I never get to interact, and we miss each other. He's losing confidence as well, because although they get along great when they're alone together, if I'm there she wails at the prospect of interacting with him. And then I take her back, exasperated, and he feels like I think he's an awful parent. I don't, he's great. I'm exasperated at the situation.

I know this sounds like nothing if you're a lone parent, or have a husband who doesn't help. But it's beyond annoying.

So, after that novel, I guess my question is: do I try and ignore her more? Push the issue that she's got to stay in the living room with her Dad if I'm on the loo/at a hot stove/having a shower, and ignore the wails? Or suck it up and pretend I'm a single parent until she grows out of it?

I hate to say this, but this is pretty standard behaviour. Between 1 and 3 years old for example, it was impossible for my husband to put our kids to bed if I was in the house. My 2.5 year old is just clingy by nature, can't even sit in front of TV if I'm not there. My 4.5 year old is not clingy at all, but still sides with me, however bad a mum I've been that day.

It is really tough on the father, who needs to put so much more into the relationship and gets these slaps in return. I have two girls, I don't know if they're worse.

With bedtime, we set a rule that my husband and I alternate nights - that's the rule, they know it and they always know when it's their turn for me to put them to bed. In the kitchen, I just involve them in the cooking process or sit them on a chair so they can see what's going on but are out of the way.

I think it's a matter of breaking down each instance and seeing how each situation can be tackled.

It does depend on the child, but it is pretty standard - they are just incredibly jealous of any attention you give someone else, however much attention they get from you. The real challenge is when child no. 2 appears...

Thanks There. Much as the prospect of another four years of this makes me want to cry, its good to know that it's just how it is. I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong, should be 'teaching' her to be more independent, etc.

But today I was at work, and it was lovely to have all those cuddles in the evening. And I was able to be much nicer to my poor husband, who isn't at fault here.